One baby envy

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Categories Infants, Mommy Issues

So, I’m going to admit to the un-admitable here for a MOT.

Sometimes I have one baby envy. Not that I don’t love my kiddos, because I do. Not that I have a baby picked out that I would choose not to have (at least not since Danny stopped waking up every two hours, ALL NIGHT LONG, to breastfeed. At six months). But, twins were never in my long-range plan. I wasn’t the little girl who thought having twins would be fun. I wasn’t even the newlywed who thought twins would be great. It wasn’t until I had experienced two years of infertility and a failed round of IVF that twins started looking pretty fantastic. That got me through the first nine months or so, saying things like, “I wouldn’t change this for the world!” and “Twins are so much more fun than just one baby!”. And it’s true, I wouldn’t. And they are.

But…..lately I’ve been looking around and feeling a bit of one baby envy. A friend tells me about a trip to California site-seeing when their baby was 11 months old. Um, no thanks. I can’t even imagine the stress and lack of sleep that would occur if I tried that with TWO babies. (Props to those of you who might be planning such a trip).  I see a couple out to dinner with their six month old. At six months, I was simply trying to survive. Besides, my kids melt down by 6pm—no dinners out for us. Friends start to talk about baby #2. Baby #2? We’ve GOT baby #2. And my husband begins yelling very loudly, “I can’t hear you!” with fingers in ears if the topic of another baby ever comes up. Mommy and me yoga. Baby swimming classes. Running into a store/friend’s house/work with one baby propped on my hip—no stroller or carseats involved. Getting a babysitter. (Do you know how many teenagers are NOT into watching two babies? Shocking, really.)

And then my babies got sick. Not a little cold or an ear infection sick, but two weeks of every symptom imaginable, rotating through our household one by one. Vomiting for 12 hours (which my husband and I had the pleasure of experiencing as well), fevers (104.2 for Abigail), ear infection (Abigail again), probable pneumonia (also Abigail) and for the duration, clingy, sad, needy babies. Times two. Who ONLY wanted…yep, you guessed it…Mommy. Not Daddy, who is usually Abigail’s favorite person ever. Not my mom. Not the sitter. Me. It’s hard to hold two babies, much less comfort and care for two inconsolable little ones. All I wanted to do was let Abigail nap on me for two hours, since it’s the only place she’d sleep. But Danny needed to be held, and changed, and fed. So I would have to disrupt her, put her down, listen to her cry, while I took care of Danny. And then Danny would cry when I picked up Abigail. Fun times, really.

So, I’ll admit it. The past few weeks, I’ve been pretty down on the two babies at a time thing. I love my kids. I’m so happy I finally got to have them. But, boy does that one baby only thing look fun sometimes. Especially when I’m juggling two babies in my arms, an iced coffee and a bag of groceries and I drop my keys. (Yeah, I think the neighbors watch out the windows all day just to get to catch amusing incidents like this). So, I’ve been in a pissy mood. And I feel even worse when I feel guilty about my one baby envy (made worse by a fellow MOT who said to me, while I was in the thick of it, twins are so great, I NEVER wish there was only one. Yeah, the mommy guilt really went nuts over that one. )

Of course, then I look at their cute little faces, or at them giggling with each other, and it’s hard to have one baby envy for long. It helps that they are no longer sick. The envy will will return at some point soon, I’m sure…….probably the next time I walk by a mom carrying her (one) baby out of Dunkin’ Donuts, happily sipping on the iced coffee she’s got in her other hand.

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19 thoughts on “One baby envy”

  1. i really loved this post because as a twin mom i find that i have those feelings and want to hear that others do too. i mean, we all know we love our babies and would not give them up or change our circm,stances for the world, but i do think we as twin moms really try to stress the positives, to help ourselves and each other. it is refreshing to admit these things. on my ppart, the twins were spontaneous and our first children, so there are days when i am like, hey, this is not what we signed up for….etc. but it does not mean i do not love those little buggers. and we are in the midst of a week trip with them right now (sans husband, with gp’s…will never do this again.) it has gone well so far but my babies want to be home….so it can be done but it sure does not feel like a vacation. now just to make the 12 hour car ride home. whew.

  2. Sing it sister!

    I too have had many many moments where I longed for just one baby. It wasn’t always the times when they were sick or my husband was traveling… it was also the times I wanted something NORMAL. Nothing ever comes easy the first year (and more!) with twins, and I can’t tell you the number of times I cried, I screamed, I seethed with anger, and generally got grumpy because it was hard hard hard. There is just no break.

    Something changed for me roughly around 18 months. That’s when all my singleton mom friends started to get pregnant again. And now I’m starting to feel glad I had two at the same time because I don’t have to worry about dealing with the logistics of two, jealousy of the older one, being pregnant with a toddler…. and SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP is what we do in our house. They have to now deal with the transition from 1-2 and I have no more transitions.

    But there are still days where I am amazed at how easy it would feel with one kid. And I try to take my boys out by themselves with me to do stuff like groceries or go for walks so I can pretend I have one kid.

    PS. The other thing that helps is seeing how it takes two parents to do things with their one baby. I say to Jon all the time – how does it take two people to do that?? I can do that with two babies by myself!!!

  3. I totallu have had all the same feelings. I would add though that I envy the cute little strollers, diaper bags, etc. People with only one baby somehow have everything match! There’s nothing that cute about our travelling circus.

  4. Oh I love this post! I have felt this way also and as soon as I have those thoughts I get hit with the guilt of thinking them!! My friends with 1 baby run around town and do this and that and visit. That seems like so much work. I honestly feel like a traveling freak show whenever we go anywhere!

  5. My boys are sick right now too and I am planning a trip to the ped’s tommorrow which is always a delight with 2 sickies. I had to laugh at the coffee, kids, grocery bag moment b/c last week I had my house key off the rest of the keys so that I could warm up the car (long story but the bottom line is the auto. car start feature that I LOVE isn’t working) and dropped the single key off of the porch into a foot of snow. Oh the fun doesn’t stop there I COULD NOT find it. The neighbors were probably popping the popcorn for this one. DH ended up having to come home from work and letting us in. Such fun!!

  6. here’s what is getting me over single baby envy. you mentioned friends starting to have baby number two. and i say my way was the better way. a two-year-old and newborn? sounds harder to me. now that they are 15 months old, anyway. i, too, have those moments but in the long run having one healthy pregnancy and two healthy babies and being done is so much better than being able to hold iced coffee. though i do miss it. 😉

  7. I feel the SAME way sometimes. I think it’s really hard for me not to. since i had a singleton first…so i DID get to experience the fun of lugging on child around everywhere. THEN, TWO more were added to my one…and i just can’t do the fun things anymore. I can’t even just jump in the car anymore to take a child to the dr. It’s all about strategic planning…of coaxing my hubby to stay home so i can go..or having him go with me. I also, LOVE my children and also feel guilty thinking about just one…but i also LOVE watching my two precious sweet babies hugging and kissing each other. Grabbing hands to dance to the teletubbies. AND i can’t wait till they get older and have a built in best friend forever…something i never had. I’m looking forward to watching them grow up together..i couldn’t imgaine my life any other way…i’d just be nice if i could be able to make a CVS or Walgreens run every once in a while and not have it all planned out and just jump in the car and go. BUT, i wouldn’t change my life for anything in the world! We TWIN Mommy’s are soo blessed!

  8. yep and yep.

    i get jealous when i think “ok we’ll just run in and…”there is no just running in anywhere.
    also, i tried carrying my huge babies downstairs together for the first time in a long time this week and by the bottom, all three of us were gasping for breath.

  9. OK–now I’m totally freaked out. How am I ever going to handle twins when I already have three other children?! This is a completely unexpected pregnancy and the idea of wrangling 5 children under the age of 7 is completely alarming to me. Will I ever get to a place where life is comfortbale again?

  10. OMG I could have written everything in this post. It wouldn’t have been nearly as fluid and entertaining though, and…. sorry, two babies are crying for my attention, so I must go tend to the one crying loudest and let Baby B suffer until I’ve relatively made happy the Baby A and then let her cry while I figure out what might keep Baby B happy for more than 60 seconds. Gotta run! 😉

  11. This post really made me think…. I couldn’t agree with you more about ‘one baby envy” especially since I too had a singleton first, twins and then another singleton… but it got me thinking in another direction… my two singletons will NEVER feel the bonds that their twin sister do and have. It made me sad for them, even more so for my son because his pregnancy started out as a twin pregnancy (sadly we lost the second baby at 6 weeks). The world of being a MOT (or MOMS) mom is a wonderful one and I am forever thankful that I have been blessed to have been chosen to be one :) Good luck and I hope that your family is germ free!!!

  12. I cant tell you what relief it is to hear SO many MOT’s feel the SAME way my husband and I do!!! I dont know anyone with twins, so all this time (4 years now) I have been dealing with the envy-then-guilt cycle of wondering what life must be like with only one child at a time. I do know I am so blessed and am so thankful for each day I have with my b/g twins. Now that they are 4 though, I am really wanting to have another baby. There has been so much I have learned and so much I would do differently if I had another chance to be a mom of a newborn(s), (although yes… I can imagine I would be completely overwhelmed if we had another set of twins. I just feel that the odds are that we would only have 1 baby). My husband, on the other hand, is still suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome after barely making it through the first couple years of the babies lives, so he hardly even wants to have sex out of fear of getting pregnant again- HAHA. So the idea of actually TRYING to get pregnant is the last thing on his mind! Am I crazy or do any of you actually WANT another baby after having twins? If so, how does your husband feel about it? How can I try to convince my husband? I just have a deep down feeling and yearning for another baby… like life is still not quite complete, ya know? Am I just being selfish and sounding ungrateful for the 2 healthy babies I already have?

  13. THIS IS LIKE THERAPY FOR ME. Sorry to yell, but that’s how excited I am to find this blog site and hear that so many other MOMS feel the same way I do!!! My girls (11 months old) have both been sick and omg, I didn’t think I would make it… So, you all are my new best friends. :-) Thankyouthankyouthankyou for blogging and hoping other MOMs feel normal.

  14. Rebecca-I am currently in CA with my 9.5 month old twins and I think we were crazy to take this trip. They have not adjusted to the time change and have gotten up for the day at 3:30am two days in a row.

    My SIL and her hubby and one baby are here, and I admit to totally having one-baby-envy! I just seems so EASY. :)

    Fantastic post! And so fun to see all the comments it generated!

  15. What a great post! I know exactly what you mean and I could have written this too – some days are worst than others.
    However like you when I see them playing and giggling together they melt my heart and make it sing louder than the noise they are making.
    Mine boys were iVF so I am blessed.
    We had so much baby stuff taking over our house too LOL

  16. So nice to know other people feel the same way! We are totally guilty of the “can you believe it takes two parents to get ONE baby into the car?!” I can totally do that on my own AND with my super size diet coke to boot! Love this site and all you other MOTs!

    I am totally obsessed with my 15 month old boy twins – but I do get the envy sometimes. And then I think I would be bored with just one! ha ha

  17. I know exactly what you mean! My husband and I have thought this many times. There are certainly pros and cons but since we have twins who overall have NOT gotten along well so far, we don’t have as many of those adorable twin moments to “make it all worthwhile” like so many MoMs talk about. 😉 I think there are definitely pros and cons to every combo and I’m hoping that as they get older the pros to the same-age thing will increase and the cons will decrease a bit. I feel like we’re starting to see that already as they’re almost 3. 😉

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