That first little bit of doubt about more kids

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Categories Family, Mommy Issues

I’m pretty much freaking out. On many levels. I may need some people to talk me off the edge.

My husband Jon and I wanted two kids. We still only want two kids. We have twin boys so that is perfect. One pregnancy, two healthy kids, and we’re done. I don’t want more kids for so so so many reasons. We’ve already given away everything baby-related. We can’t afford a third in day care. We feel complete as a family.

But but but. BUT. My husband Jon and I went to a wedding without the kids over the weekend. We had lots of opportunities to talk and we both brought up interesting facts. I’d love to be a foster family or adopt a child. Jon wishes we could have another chance at the 9 month and up phase. I’d love to have a little girl with pigtails.

I’m really freaking out. We went from 100% sure we are done to 99% sure we are done. Is this normal? Is this a phase for us (longing for the newborn phase with just one kid) and soon we’ll go back to being 100% done? Is this some kind of backlash against the terrible twos times two? How do you ever really know you are really done?

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25 thoughts on “That first little bit of doubt about more kids”

  1. I also sometimes feel nostalgic for earlier days, or envy friends with their second baby. But I know we’re done. I’m old, we’ve given the gear and clothes away, and I don’t think we have the energy to switch from man-to-man to zone defense. I guess we’re also lucky because we have “one of each” as people always say, so we don’t feel we missed out on the other. That said, I totally respect those who choose to have more.

  2. I find myself toying with the idea of more kids, though it’s still a theoretical thing for me because I’d want them a bit farther apart in age if I did have more. Whenever I bring it up, M just smiles and nods and doesn’t get into it. He feels like we’re done. He always wanted two, we got the boy/girl combo. I think he also has genuine concerns about being able to financially and emotionally support more kids. I think he already feels like he can’t give each of them the attention he/they’d like, so he feels like more would be too much.

    I’m not sure why I sometimes feel like I want more kids. I don’t really want the pregnancy part, and I don’t really want the first six months except for the sake of being able to do it with the benefit of knowledge of the first time. Who knows.

    I suspect the decision will be a somewhat passive one on our part. We’ll talk about it, I’ll hem and haw. And the next thing we know, our kids will be five and we wouldn’t want to have them so far apart in age, and I’ll be older, and it will just be a default decision to not have more.

  3. Well, it’s crossed my mind, but like you we definitely can’t afford another child. In my opinion, it’s definitely something you should wait at LEAST a year or two and see if you still feel the same. Plus, just thinking back on how tough a twin pregnancy is helps to keep my mind off of more babies!

  4. Yeah, so what about the opposite? We always (ok I always) wanted three, but I cannot imagine adding another baby to the mix right now. We are barely hanging on as it is!

  5. I’m the wrong girl to ask–I thought we were done after one, then after two—and now, we are the blessed parents of eight, our twins being # 7 and #8. I have friends who say they just ‘knew’ they were done after their second or their third–I have just not had that kind of certainty.

    Our plate certainly seems full at this point–I don’t really see us having any more–but I don’t know that I will ever have that sense of certainty that others seem to have. What I do know is that we are on a wonderful, exhausting, hilarious, sleep-deprived ride!

  6. I think this is pretty normal…my husband and I were just talking about it yesterday! He wanted to put off the decision a little longer, when I was forced to remind him while we may feel like we’re 20, we’re knocking on 40’s door…

    But I think we’re done. 99% sure 😉

  7. Totally normal!
    You pretty much verbalized my exact same situation.
    We have twin boys. Think we’re done but I would love to adopt a girl in the toddler age range.
    I love the balance of our family now. I feel whole-ish as a family unit. We’ve always talked about adopting since even before the boys. But financially it’s just too much of a burden to even think about.
    If it weren’t so expensive to adopt…If affording education was easier…. if, if, if.

  8. People already ask us if we want more (and we just had our B/G twins!) but Husband and I are not ruling it out. I think it is unfortunate that so many loving families feel like they can’t “afford” more than 1 or 2 kids when those are the exact parents who should raise more. It is hard to imagine sometimes with everyone’s current obligations but I bet each of you would be a wonderful parent again and some kid would be really lucky to be part of your family – whether by adoption or birth.

    I agree with What A Card though – the hardest part will be our age. It is hard to imagine doing this in my late thirties and be in my fifties before all kids have moved out!

  9. Every once in a while I get the baby lust. My twin boys are 2 and a half and while that is exhausting and I know having a baby would send me right back to the sleep deprived lunacy of infanthood. I sometimes wonder if I want another pregnancy to make up for the one I had with the boys: a near miscarriage at 20 weeks, cerclage followed by 16 weeks of bedrest…an emergency c-section with a pulmonary embolism which caused cardiac arrest. The three of us are lucky to be alive.

    While I realize all of that – I wonder what it would be like to have a ‘normal’ pregnancy…shopping for my baby while rubbing my big belly in a store, rather than online while laying on my left side…bonding with one infant, breastfeeding one while not feeling guilty that the other is waiting (that tandem thing was hard for me to master). I just think that it would be nice to experience what most women have in a regular pregnancy. And then I realize, I have everything I need and there is no need to risk all of this for a chance at another.

  10. I have twin 3 yr old boys. We only wanted 2 as well but have second guessed that a couple of times. I know that part of me would like to have one more just so I can experience a singleton pregnancy and infantdom. That said, since I already have 2 it, it’s not possible to have the “full” singleton experience. As time goes by, we get closer and closer to being sure we are done. Hard to go back to diapers, diaper bags, bottles, no sleep (we still feel like we get no sleep but know it isn’t the same as waking up hourly for an infant), etc. Also hard to know what dynamic we’d be bringing into the family – child’s personality, health, etc. Long answer but 99% sure we are done.

  11. Like so many above, we’d always said “two,” we just never expected that they’d arrive in a single pregnancy.

    As our twosome got older I occasionally toyed with the idea of more, and even gutsily mentioned it to my husband (usually in the presence of an adorable toddler), but I think we both “knew” we are done…to the point we did a maternal medical intervention (he’d had a lot of recent surgery for reasons innumerable, it was my turn) to try to make sure that four is where our family population will remain.

    However, I have to admit, that when I had a late cycle last year, I DID kind of find myself a bit sad when my period came….

    Think ambivalence is entirely normal…right until nature makes any more an impossibility.

  12. Oh yes. Very “normal”.
    From your post, I don’t know how old your kids are, but mine are 2.5 years old (twin boys) and they have totally thrown us for a loop.
    I really wanted to try for another one soon after they were born, but once they started walking, talking (fussing, crying, screaming, fighting over stuff, etc) my heart told me that I need to focus on the three that we have and raise them properly and not try for more.
    We feel we’ve made the right decision (for now…I’m sure my heart will flitter back and forth for many years to come).

  13. Well….we always said we wanted 3 (my husband’s reason – joker that he is – was just in case one “offed” another one… then we’d still have two. oy). When we had the twins we looked at each other and thought “does that change things?” Nope! We now have our 3rd who turns 1 in two days (the twins are 3.5), and I wouldn’t change it at all! He’s such a little charmer and sooooo laid back.

    It definitely changes the family dynamic, but in a good way – at least in my opinion. Sure, it gets hectic when you’re outnumbered, but it’s neat to see all of the kids playing together. And having the singleton after the twins is CAKE. LOL

    And yes. We’re done. 😉

  14. When my fraternal boys were almost 2 we decided to take the plunge and try for the “normal” singleton pregnancy and get a girl, HA! I became pregnant with twin boys again! The odds of twins are pretty good if you already have fraternal twins. Though we are done now due to medical intervention, I still get weepy at the idea of no more babies. I think a lot of it is due to the fact that I KNOW there will be no more. I wasn’t as weepy when I had my first set and we were still deciding whether to have more.

  15. i like to tell ppl that i’m done (i hv a 4-yr-old and 1-yr-old twins, all girls), but deep down i have this feeling that i don’t mind having more, perhaps a boy…i sometimes ‘forget’ to take my pills, and i still keep most of the baby stuff for ‘just in case’, i don’t know..i guess i just want to keep my option open, until one fine day when i’ll be able to decide..

  16. My husband and I have two-and-a-half year old boys, and we have a third boy on the way in a month. We debated about having the third, too. We always said that we wanted two or three, and being that we got two in one swoop, I felt like we should go for the third. However, we didn’t want to make “trying” for the baby a big, stressful part of our lives – we were lucky to avoid that the first time. As the months went on, we continued to go back and forth while not NOT trying. I think I finally knew that I really wanted the third when a friend told me, “you know, I think if I felt that I might want another child and then never did it, I would always feel like there is something missing.” For me, she hit the nail on the head, and I knew I felt the same way she did. Luckily for us, just two weeks later I found out I was pregnant, and we are hanging on for dear life as we go for another round and add a third boy to the family.

    Hubby and I definitely went into the “not NOT trying” phase totally okay with whatever pregnancy outcome we got – boy or girl, twins again or not. I think you have to be.

    And yes, after this one, we are done. 100% positive.

  17. We did not find out what we were having, and my ‘joke’ during the pregnancy was “If there’s not at least one boy in there, my husband says we are doing this again.” We got the girl and then the boy. My first words when they said it’s a little guy were “It’s a boy — I never have to do this again.” I’m older, I can’t imagine bathing babies in the tub when I’m 43, everything went so well i fear there’s nowhere to go but down, and i dread that first trimester plus waiting to find out if everything looks ‘normal’. I cling to my first reaction. I do feel envious of the moms who get to that “I KNOW I’m done” feeling, be it after ever how many. I kinda backed into my decision but feel extremely blessed with what I’ve got. It’s a head over heart decision, yep.

  18. My boys aren’t even here yet (due in Dec) and the DH and I have been discussing it. Well mostly I keep saying I want at least one more and he says “we’ll see”. He assumes we will have twins or more next time and I think that possibility scares him. We always said we wanted 2 or 3 so we’ll have to see how the first two go.

  19. I have a 13 yr old and 10 month b/g twins. I would like more but after suffering so much heart ache, 2 IVF’s and the whole twin pregnancy I second guess wanting more.
    Someone asked DH the other day if we are done and he said no! hehe

  20. When my husband and I were dancing at our wedding reception (9 yrs. ago), our good friend recorded us and asked us a few questions about what we wanted in the future (kids, job etc…). I said I wanted to have 4 kids, my husband wanted 2. I was still shooting for 4 until we had our first daughter, and before we could get use to the first, we found out we were pregnant with our second daughter. She was born 16 mths later. My husband and I were pretty freaked out about how fertile the ground was and we decided that a vasectomy would be a good option for our fast growing family.

    I get those bouts of wanting more kids, but those feelings come and go. We definitely would take into consideration adoption.

    I think the amount of kids a family has depends on how well you and your spouse can hold it all together. For us, we know that 2 is a good number for us. It could change, but for now it’s all good.

  21. My husband and I both agree we are completely totally DONE having kids. We have our three boys (singleton age 6 and twins age 15 mos.). Upon delivering twins my doctor performed my requested tubal ligation which I hope is effective forever. I suspect I’m very “fertile” as it only took one unprotected time to conceive older son, and (YES, believe it….) ONE unprotected time to conceive our twins. Scary!

  22. We also have two two-year-olds. We suddenly heard ourselves last week saying, “No more yet,” where we had been saying, “No more ever.” Like you, we’d planned for two, were delighted with two, can afford to give two the opportunities we want for out kids, and wanted just two.

  23. On the cusp of my husband getting “snipped” I find myself wondering “What if we did have one more?”. My husband feels definitively done. And he’s right; we agreed on two kids and now have three: a 4yo and b/g twins who are 10 weeks old. But I think – What If? I’m 33, but What If in two years I am ready for one more. But What If we decided for another and had – gulp – twins again. I don’t know that I can take that chance. I really can’t go through another twin pg again (Kudos to those of you who have!!). And 5 kids? We’d be buying a passanger van. No thanks. I guess we’re done, but it makes me sad knowing that we’ll never go through this again.

  24. I’ll just throw in my .02 as a twin who also has a younger sibling. I know it’s hard on the parents, and a really personal decision…but I’m really glad my parents decided to have one more. I have a different relationship with my little sis than I do with my twin – there’s not the automatic twin-on-twin competition, and I enjoy the difference in our ages (BTW we were 3.5 when she was born). The dynamic with her is different, in a good way. Both of my sisters are my best friends on earth although they are really different people. My twin and I truly are identical in alot of ways, but it seems like the areas where we are different, are the areas where me and my younger sister are the same, if that makes sense. She really completes our family as cheesy as that sounds. Although my dad did run out and get a vasectomy when little sis was only 3 months old LOL.

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