Singleton fantasies

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Categories Mommy Issues

I wrote a post two weeks ago about how 1% of me wants another child. That post has been the topic of many conversations in my personal life since then. Most of my friends were shocked because I wasn’t exactly the poster child for pregnancy or the newborn period. And I’ve been very adamant that we are done, finished, and complete.

Writing that post made me realize I have a serious case of singleton fantasy. I don’t mean that I want to give up my twins (who are 28 months today!). I want to experience life with one baby. I have fantasies about how easy it would be. Breastfeeding would be successful this time, unlike last time. I would shlepp the baby everywhere, taking her out to peaceful dinners with my husband instead of being trapped inside with one colicky twin who screamed in his car seat. I would improve on everything I did wrong with my boys. I would be able to relax and enjoy the experience because I wouldn’t have the same preemie and health worries. I would have so much more patience, and get so much more rest. The boys would gaze lovingly on their new little sister and quietly play independently while I tended to her needs.

Oh yes, it is a complete and utter fantasy. And I am quite honest with myself that it is a fantasy. Life is crazy in my house with two 2 1/2 year olds, so adding another child into the mix would make it even crazier. But having twins first is bittersweet some days, because I will never know what it is like to have just one child. Each stage is here once and then gone, which is both a blessing and a curse. Putting fantasies aside, Jon and I are the best parents we can be when we have two children and that is why we are done with two.

And a big fat PS – I’ve read enough of your blogs to know that if I tried for another child, I might end up with twins again, so I wouldn’t even get my fantasy!

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16 thoughts on “Singleton fantasies”

  1. I have a singleton daughter (4 yrs), identical twin sons (2 yrs) and just found out I’m pregnant again (a sort of “happy” accident…lol!!). I am only around 8 weeks at this time and will see the OB later this week for my first appointment. Everyone keeps saying “I hope it’s not another set of twins”. I couldn’t agree with them more! At this point, I feel like I could care for another singleton with my eyes closed….But, another set of twins….well, they may as well just check me into the hospital now and leave me there for, oh, I don’t know, the next 18 years or so! :-)

  2. Ahh, the singleton fantasy. Can you imagine how peaceful and serene life would be? Except, of course, that moms of just one don’t always seem so content and peaceful. I have these thoughts too, wishing I could try it again with just one. I really, really don’t want twins again, though.

  3. I have posted on this very subject before on here, several months ago I think. But yes, I am still there with you about the singleton fantasy! I feel so guilty that I want more… like maybe I am being so selfish because I already have 2 healthy children: one boy and one girl. But I do wonder often how life would be different with only ONE baby. I think I could handle it just fine, but who knows. One baby with potential colic might be too much on top of having 2 kids that are almost 5 years old and dealing with school issues… etc. I am SO with you about the different phases coming just once and then gone forever. Its so sad! Very bittersweet, like you said. Thats why I had such a hard time when mine started preK this year :( Thanks for showing me that I am not alone in these “fantasies” and am not a terrible mother for entertaining them.

  4. Laura, mine are only 3 weeks old and I already think about how things would be different with just one baby. Then I remember – oh, right, but my twins would probably be toddlers and so it wouldn’t quite be the peaceful fantasy I imagine.

  5. Well said. I think about this when I look enviously at people coming to the office with one baby in a sling, taking a kid to dinner, grocery shopping with a newborn… not to mention both parents getting to eat dinner every night, getting to take turns getting up early, etc. But you’re right, it wouldn’t be the same now. And as much as it all looks easy to us, I’m sure it doesn’t feel easy when it’s the hardest thing you know!

  6. I completely identify with every single word of this post. We went through a lot to have my twins, so more are probably not in the cards for us. But I often wonder what it would be like to have “just one” baby. In my mind I forget how trying those newborn days are, and trick myself into thinking how easy one set of diapers, one baby breastfeeding, etc. would be. On the other hand, I see my two giggling & playing together and feel sorry for singleton parents who miss out on the wonderful aspects of twins!

  7. I hear you loud and clear.

    I have often said, that if Faith had been an only child, I would have had the easiest baby ever (not so much a toddler!) If Jonathan had been an only child, and I still had to deal with the nursing strikes, reflux and inconsolable crying, I would have thought differently!

    Does it seem to the rest of you like we twin moms are a little gun shy about having more kids???

  8. All I know is that I have the biggest single stroller envy. I hate all the double strollers, side by side, tandem, joggers, they are all huge and annoying to push. Having a singleton in a single stroller, I could breeze through the isles of all my favorite stores. Ah, fantasies.

  9. Yeah … at times.

    Like when I just want to curl up on the couch and snuggle instead of duking it out with a second 28-pound child.

    Like when I wanted to go the pool this past summer but couldn’t go it alone with two.

    Like when they are sick and you want to sleep with them on your chest but there are two and, well, see first point.

    Like when you want to run in real quick some place but you can’t just grab a kid and go … it’s all a very big production. Even a gallon of milk — production!

    I’ll never know the singleton thing either … but I have heard even after twins — well, especially after twins — it is easier!!

  10. Thank you for bringing up your breastfeeding post again. We went through the exact same struggle though our boys were in the NICU for a full month. They are 6.5 months old now and I am 15 days away from turning in my pump and enjoying more time with them. I’ve pumped exclusively since they were about 35 days and that helped tremendously with the stress…and in the end I do have one on breastmilk and one on formula but that’s because of allergies.

    As for a singleton- we talk about it all the time- how easy it would be- how dreamy it would be- how fun….and then we’d probably end up with triplets.

  11. The cure for singleton fantasy? Go through four years of infertility. Welcome your boys after successful IVF. The week of their first birthday, find out you are pregnant with the second SET. We now say: Can you imagine how easy it would be if we had just ONE set of twins? Disclaimer: I actually do not recommend this cure.

  12. Just happened to come across your blog today and wow, you just tapped into my thoughts on this one! As a mother of 2 sets of twins, boys (4) and girls (2), I catch myself dreaming of exactly the same thing – OFTEN. My specific fantasies include:

    -one child falling asleep on me for a Sunday nap (ha!)
    -a quick trip anywhere
    -only one child complaining about his/her vegetables. Each likes a different one (maybe I could manage and maybe win an argument with one)
    -getting a babysitter not freaked out by 4 kids
    -going on a vacation with my husband while my parents watch my ‘no fuss, totally easy, singleton child’.

    The weird thing is though, that my friends with one child don’t seem any less stressed……which leads me to believe that motherhood, in general, is just hard. So I try to count the pluses. What I love about twins, that they don’t get to experience is:

    -nobody is clinging to my leg like I’m their best friend – they know who their best friend is and that’s who they want to go outside with or play Candyland with for the 8th time (thank god!)
    -I always get help in the grocery store, bank, etc. Because you really do have your hands full sometimes.
    -realizing that 95% of EVERYTHING is genetic and many things are really not all that influenced by you. Hard to believe these kids were raised by the same parents some days…..makes me more patient if I think it’s their own DNA making them evil.
    -LOVE the fact I didn’t have to be pregnant 4 times for 4 great kids!

    thanks for letting me stop and indulge my ‘singleton’ fantasy along with you!

  13. I had my singleton, and then 5 years later I had my twins.
    A mom who has multiples as a second pregnancy knows that having one IS light years easier than having multiple, because that comparison is there. In my townhouse, for example, one trip to the store involves about 6 to 8 trips up and down multiple flights of stairs: (two times DOWN to load kids in car, two times UP to bring in kids, one more time UP and DOWN to unload bags, etc). It is the physical demands that are so incredible with twins, the logistics of going anywhere, the extra safety concerns as they hit toddler stage.
    I do really see how all the first time mommies of multiples- have a unique perspective because you did not start out with any point of comparison.

  14. Hi. as a mom of a 12 year old, two 1.5 year olds and one due in January, I can understand the delema about having another and taking the chance that it might be two again. But choosing to have a baby (or 2, 3 or 4) isn’t something that involves a lot of logic. It comes from somewhere else completely irrational. Emotional reasons and some strange drive (dreams of a big family, labito, who knows) find us there doing it again despite how tough it was the first time. I get a lot of negative reactions from people who see that I am having another after twins. Stupid things people say to you when you have twins is a whole subject by itself. What matters to me is that it was a decision we made as a family and people will judge and I can’t live my life around that.
    People say all the time “just one this time I hope.” Which I think is pretty horrible to say. If we found out it was twins, we would have to deal with it just like we did last time and the joys and frustrations would be double. I am not relieved it wasn’t 2, but I do see how having just one while raising twin toddlers and a teenager would be easier.
    Anyway, one thing I like to do is to grab time with just one kid. Go shopping or to the playground or whatever. It is special time with mom or dad for them and you get to be less stretched and you can give them full attention and you both can pretend for a little while that there is only you two. This will be important to do when they are teens too and you will need to make the extra effort to connect with them.

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