Share and (not) Share Alike

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Categories Behavior, Development, Mommy Issues, Relationships, Singletons, ToddlersTags , , , ,

Our house is turning into a “sharing-free” zone. It has been to a certain extent for a while, but it’s now almost complete. So if you are sick of saying, “honey, you have to share your puzzle with your brother,” only to have both kiddos freak out, take refuge with us for a while!

It wasn’t always this way. For the first six months, EVERYTHING was shared. It just didn’t matter, to them or to us. Ahhhh…the simplicity of it all! Then “I want that!” entered their developing psychologies, and while it wasn’t a substantial strain, it ushered in the era of disgruntled babies who had their siblings rip toys out of their hands. One of mine handled it far better than the other, but it made me realize I needed a consistent strategy for mediating the situation. So I decided, at this very early stage, that if someone was playing with a particular object, it was theirs for the time being. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Only when they were finished could the other one have it. And if it were taken prematurely, I stepped in and returned it to its temporary owner. Of course I did this as gently and comforting as possible. As far as non-toy items (clothes, etc.) the boys still shared everything.

This was all fine and dandy until the boys hit one, and the concept of territory became acute. The battles over toys, food, clothes and attention escalated at a rapid clip. Reffing became a full-time occupation. The rules of the game: no hiting, biting, hair pulling or pushing. Yah right. It was truly trying to ref and call no-holds barred fights. No matter what, though, if you took something, you had to return it. I was generous in giving them plenty of time to process the concept of returning. And it took time. And many times of me returning the object for them. But they started to catch on and I saw real progress. Stealing became less and less. And if they did steal, they even started to catch themselves and give it back without prompting. The praise flowed like the Nile on these occasions.

We would go to the playground and I’d watch (and still watch) other kids bulldoze themselves into toys – grabbing, throwing, taking. The parents of the accosted would say to their dumbstruck child, “you have to share! Johnny can play with that for a while.” I say, screw that philosophy. How would you feel if you were sitting on a park bench, totally content surfing the web or texting on your iPhone, and some random stranger ripped it out of your hands and started emailing their friend? And then pitched a fit at you when you were forced to nicely ask for it back! Oh, the injustice of being a child sometimes.

We’ve maintained this no sharing philosophy pretty well. Of course, they need to play with a few things together, namely the train set. And this becomes a challenge. But we even set up the tracks to have many options so they are not constantly bumping into each other. However, I’ve just begun to realize that the boys still technically “share” everything. They have no toys, no books, no clothes, not even their comfort blankets, that are expressly theirs. The only thing they don’t share is their shoes – and this is by necessity because Oskar has mallets for feet and wears a Stride Rite XW. But I’ve noticed the boys becoming acutely aware of whose is whose and starting to naturally assign ownership. It started a few months ago. Oskar pointing and saying, “Abie’s milk.” Abel doing a roundhouse ID of where everyone sits at the table, “Mommy’s chair, Ozzy’s chair, Daddy’s chair!” And their overall general interest in identifying themselves as individuals. Abel points proudly to himself and say’s with a big smile “ABIE!” This is a big deal, because three months ago, if I showed them a picture of Oskar and asked them who it was, they’d both exclaim, “ABIE!”

So things are changing even more in the direction of no sharing in our house. Shirts are being identified as expressly Oskar’s or Abel’s (and it’s their doing – Abel got the monkey shirt from Lee-Lee for Christmas and he as required it to remained so. And vice-versa). Salty is Ozzy’s train. Thomas is Abel’s. And they have developed an awesome system for “sharing” their belongings all on their own. It’s called the trade. They actually ask each other if they want to trade, and if they are both in agreement, whaalaa! If they are not both in agreement, no go. Pretty cool! Of course, now I find myself reffing “trading” matches when they’re not on the same page, but I’ll take it.

I think given their strong self-awareness and human nature, the tide will continue to turn in this direction. Which makes things more complicated to manage. However, I can’t help but believe this no-sharing philosophy has some merit. Multiples are confronted with identity challenges that don’t enter the world of singletons. They are also forced to, on many levels, share so many things from conception on. This is a remarkable blessing and a curse. The more I can foster their own sense of individuality and ownership in things, the better off they will be. Because even though I maintain this “no sharing” mantra, the reality is they have to develop a sense of sharing and one another way earlier than a singleton child. They are birthed in a world that doesn’t solely revolve around just them.

I’ve often wondered if multiples behave differently than singletons in larger play situations? If they steal less, respect personal space more? Or if kids will be kids, regardless. Sounds like a cool HDYDI study. Leave your experiences with how you handle your kids sharing (or not sharing!) in the comments and let’s see!

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4 thoughts on “Share and (not) Share Alike”

  1. When you describe how you handle things, we do the same thing. But I have always thought of it as teaching them not to take from others rather than teaching them not to share. I have always thought of sharing as the fact that the majority of the possessions are jointly owned. Like your duo, they have naturally assigned some ownership of items.

    The one thing we have started to notice is that lately Alex bends to Nate’s will. If Nate wants to trade and Alex doesn’t, Nate will cry and Alex will hand it to him. I’m trying to think of the positives of this and think it makes Alex more sensitive, rather than think Nate is pushing Alex around.

    As for larger play, my understanding from talking to their teachers is that the boys don’t share more, but they share with each other more. They will trade with each other more frequently than they trade with their friends, maybe bc they’re so used to negotiating that relationship.

  2. So timely. Our girls are 7 mos, and we have been talking about what our strategy should be in this department. I think I have intuitively been doing what you described, but like Laura, I think it has been to teach them not to take from others. However I also know that there is a twin school of thought that as twins grow, the power dynamics in their relationship will be constantly shifting, and unless someone is actually being hurt, we should let them navigate this on their own. It does indeed seem easier said than done though especially when one tends to be more physically aggressive in taking things from her sister. Thoughts?

  3. hmmm, great food for thought. we have the same issues, of course, and i have always dealt with them in a similar way, but their nature is so different. mace is the ‘i want what you’ve got’ kid with everyone and everything. it kills me a bit but i remember being that kid when i was small. so, i talk to him differently than owen. owen is much more content to use what is there.

    a lot of our toys are ‘generic’ so the labeling is not that big of an issue. but today it was all about a specific hot wheel fire truck…and we took some time to discuss all the aspects of the toy and then found another. but man, it takes work to mediate toddlers.

    i notice in public, my kids go to other kids with toys and ‘take’ them, which i return and explain and then distract. i do think i want them to understand how to deal with each other without constant intervention…we are not quite there yet, but there are many times in the day when they are in the room ‘playing’ with each other out of my sight and it goes well for awhile.

    they are not quite 2 yet, so we will see. three months still seems to make a huge difference in development. btw: happy almost bday to the boys.

  4. You want it, whack brother and take it…seems to be the best idea at the moment.

    My boys are 17mo and they are in the “if I want it I’m taking it” stage. It is funny since they are both at the same skill level and the field is pretty even. It’s really a completely different situation that having one. They get away with defining their space much more than my first two singleton girls. They are starting to give each other the look and conspire against me but rarely use their telepathic abilities to settle their own disputes with sharing toys and such.

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