You got to have (mom) friends

It was actually a smaller gathering than we’re used to. And a much higher adult-to-child ratio, too.  Normally, when we’re hanging out in this particular backyard, we expect to see about 10-12 kids under 3 and maybe four or five adults.  This time it was down to only seven kids, and a whopping six adults.  We hardly knew what to do with ourselves.  Ah, Memorial Day weekend with your twin mom friends.

Memorial Day BBQ

Building a community and a support system is always important.  You need people to talk to, people with whom you can share advice and stories and favors.  But while I am certainly a big fan of getting to know people with a wide variety of experiences, I also think it is key to find birds of a feather. Full-time at-home moms need to find other full-time at-home moms.  Working moms need other working moms. Homeschoolers need other homeschoolers.  And twin moms need other twin moms.

Memorial Day BBQ

While there are plenty of things that all moms have in common, there are most certainly different challenges (and joys) when you have multiples. So it’s key to have other people who understand you. Even if it’s in a virtual space like blogging, at least that’s something.  But in person is even better.

Memorial Day BBQ

What a difference from when we used to have “playdates” that involved babies asleep in carseats or bouncing around in the exersaucer.  Now we’ve got a pack of toddlers who know each other’s names, steal fruit off of each other’s plates, and play interchangeably as though they were all siblings.

Memorial Day BBQ

And the moms can hang out and marvel over how much easier it has gotten over the last two years.  Because, tantrums aside, this is oh so much more fun.

Memorial Day BBQ

We’ve survived breastfeeding (or not), first foods, sleeping through the night, shared viruses (ugh), and all the rest of it… times two. It’s nice to have people who have that shared understanding. We know the craziness, we know the fun. We are, perhaps as much by necessity as by personality, a fairly laid-back and practical bunch (just don’t get us started on people who keep their kids up too late or don’t have a nap schedule).  We get each other.  And that’s a mighty nice thing to have in your life.

Memorial Day BBQ

11 thoughts on “You got to have (mom) friends

  1. Love it! Most of my twin mom friends have older kids and are actually kind of depressing. Can I say that? This inspires me to make a few friends with twins about the same age as mine. Love it.

  2. I hear ya! I have a wide array of friends in different phases of life and it is fun to learn from one another but there is nothing like talking to another twin mommy who has toddler boys!

  3. General question: Am I the only one who lives in an area where the twin parents’ club requires something more than just an application and annual dues? My local club wants new prospective members to show up once at a monthly dinner, which is inconveniently scheduled on weeknights right after rush hour ends. I really wish I had joined during pregnancy when I had actual free time, because now I’d have to go to the trouble of getting a babysitter and being in a mad hurry all evening. Perhaps this is their way of weeding out members, but it makes me wonder why they aren’t more open and accommodating to new parent schedules.

  4. Ughhh…envy is an ugly thing, but THIS is what I am longing for.

    Connection – that is what has led me here, in fact – a desire for connection with other people who ‘get it’. As the mother of a six year old and one year old triplets, getting dressed is an accomplishment. But damnit, I’ll spend showerless days in a t-shirt & gym shorts if that’s what it takes to find some other MOMs! My kids deserve it & I may need it to stay centered & sane…

    What a beautiful post – esp with those incredible pics!

  5. Excellent post! I joined a twin Peps group with K and M were 3 weeks old and we are still meeting 17 months later, every Friday. Our group has even added 4 more Moms (for a total of 13 Moms)! Such an amazing bunch of women. I am thrilled that my kids have such a great connection with so many other children their age and the advice/tips I have learned from my friends is more than I ever, ever, ever could have gotten from any book, workshop or class on parenting or raising multiples.
    Glad you had a fun Memorial Day.
    Trina

  6. I’m jealous too. Like Sadie, the twins group I joined when my boys were born discouraged bringing your babies (mine were breastfed, though, and I worked and barely pumped enough for when I was gone) and had everything scheduled for weeknights when my husband was working.

    Another thing I’ve found: My kids are 6, 4, 4, and 2. People with a set of twins and no others are living a whole different life than I am — this was especially striking when my twins were 2 and under. I’ve met loads of really nice people, but sometimes I’m lonely because of how very intense it is having this many kids so close in age. It’s certainly not like having triplets or quads, but it’s very different than what the average mom of twins or mom of four experiences.

  7. Yeah, birds of a feather are great and all, but everyone’s situation is unique to one degree or another. I’m a working military mom of twins. Working mom friends? Twin mom friends? Military wife friends? Sure! But none of those groups of real-world friends overlap.

    I think you can find different kinds of support and empathy from different groups of friends.

    My mother of multiples group also meets kid-free on a weeknight, and has playdates during the day on weekdays. But I can’t really ask them to accommodate me, since I’m the only one who works full-time outside the home. I try to be active on our e-mail list, make it to meetings when I can, and pursue individual friendships with some of the ladies.

    I’m lucky that my neighbours are my closest mom-friends. Our five toddlers have grown up as near-siblings.

    But there are some days that LauraC (with the job and the twins and the traveling hubby) is the only one who has any clue what I’m talking about. ;) Online friends can be as much of a community as the real world kind.

  8. I strongly believe that you need MOT friends who “get” you. (Obviously, since these photos were taken at my house). But, it takes a lot of work to get where we are, with a group of great moms and kids. You have to reach out, go to moms-only meetings, arrange playdates etc…And, some friendships don’t quite work out. A mom might go back to work and have no free time, or you just don’t click as friends or she parents really differently than you do or just isn’t interested in meeting new friends. But boy, when it works, it is really worth it!

    Also, two of our moms were moms to 3 under 2 at some point. While those of us with just two certainly don’t get the struggle, we do try! And, we certainly hold babies if we do nothing else.

  9. Ya, I feel more comfortable around twin moms, like they get me, or my situation, at least. I feel like a freak of nature when I’m with moms and their one baby. Its too bad but that’s why I love my MOT club!!

  10. I went to a barbecue on Memorial Day and was the only one there with kids. Twin tornadoes at that. I wasn’t even able to chat and catch up with friends since I spent all of my time locating both of my daughters.

    While I know I need to cultivate my local twin mom friendships, I haven’t yet put in the time. I’ll take this post as the push to do it!

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