Monthly Archives: June 2009

Reader Blogroll and Giveaway Reminder

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Happy last day of June, y’all!

Thanks so much to our readers for following us over to our new internet address.  We like it here, we hope you do, too.  Today is the last day to enter our housewarming summer giveaway, so if you haven’t already, please get your entry (and the extra ones, too!) over on the giveaway post.  You can also make sure to subscribe to HDYDI in a reader, and follow us on Twitter if you’re so inclined.

And one last bit of housekeeping before we get back to our regularly scheduled posts… We’d love to have a blogroll of our beloved readers!  So if you’ve got a blog that you’d like to be listed, please leave a comment below with your web address.  Also, please let us know what kind of multiples you have!  (b/g, frat boys, identical girls, b/g/b trips, etc.)  If the blogroll is large enough, we may split it up by sections…

For Now

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I’ve been seeing a lot of newborn twins recently. While out and about with my 15 ½ month old twins, we’ve seen quite a few Snap N Go Doubles with little ones snuggled in their infant seats, pushed by frazzled looking moms who are trying their best to put on a happy face for the world. I smile when I see them. I once was that frazzled new mom. I remember those days. And while they had their good moments (between all the crying and just trying to survive), I’m glad we’re beyond them.

Sometimes I’ll catch a new MoT’s eyes and she’ll notice that I have my own double stroller in tow. She’ll smile back, and we’ll chitchat for a bit about our kids. But I’m always careful not to say the words that still echo in my mind on a daily basis: It gets so much easier. If I had a quarter for every time someone has said this to me…

The first few times I heard those words of encouragement, I actually felt reassured that better days were surely to come. But when things continued to get harder and harder during weeks 6-8, I had to grit my teeth to keep from shouting, “But it’s hard NOW!” And it was. With little help, and even less sleep, I was pushing myself through the tasks of each day just trying to make it to tomorrow and those easier days that I had coming to me.

Now, for those of you with newborns, I will not even try to pretend that my dealings with 15 ½ month olds is even remotely close to what you’re going through. My kids take two hour+ naps each day and sleep through the night. I get to shower each day, and I can’t remember the last time I missed a meal because I was too busy caring for my children. However, there are still plenty of difficult moments, and those moments happen almost everyday- someone’s crying/screaming/whining, someone’s throwing food, someone’s making a scene in a public place, someone’s trying to wiggle their way out of a stinky diaper change and making an even bigger mess than I already had to clean up, and the list goes on and on. While this may be easier, it’s not quite what I had in mind when I thought of things becoming much easier.

But, just like every mom out there, I love my kids. Even through the tough parts.

So while I’m chatting with that MoT while her newborns gurgle, coo, or squawk in the Snap N Go, I do not tell her that it gets so much easier. Instead, I tell her that everything she’s describing- feeding ‘round the clock, getting very little sleep, no time to eat, shower, or go to the bathroom, dealing with babies who sleep all day and fuss all night- is right on par for those early days/weeks/months with newborn twins. And then I try to paraphrase some of that Avenue Q song that gets me through the tough parts of our days:

Nothing lasts, Life goes on, Full of surprises.

You’ll be faced with problems of all shapes and sizes.

You’re going to have to make a few compromises…

For now… For now… But only for now…

So what about you? Experiencing those promised easier days or still trying to make it through the tough parts? What words give you hope for the future?  

Troubles with Doubles?

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The Diagnosis: Urine boys in 2006

The Diagnosis: Urine boys in 2006

When we discovered we were having twin boys, we hoped they were fraternal so they’d have a better shot at some individuality. We aren’t certain they are identical, but they look enough alike that most people cannot tell them apart, and many times my husband or I will have to get a good, head-on look to be certain which boy is which.
 
The novelty of identical twins is fun, to a point. Mine dress themselves and are rarely dressed alike, and we have always used a color coding system around extended family, to make it easier for relatives to bond with the boys individually. It is hard to get close to someone when you’re worrying about getting their name wrong.
 
Even with these measures, though, their grandparents seem to view them only as a unit: The Twins. The Boys. And don’t get me wrong — I have no problem with someone referring to them that way. Saying each name is silly when “the boys” gets the point across more quickly. I don’t mind hearing them spoken of in abbreviated terms, but I mind when I feel they’re being shortchanged.
 
For example, my parents’ tradition is to choose a special gift for each grandchild’s first birthday. They are gifts that the child will use for 10 years or more. Some have gotten nice wooden table and chairs sets, or child-sized upholstered chairs for their bedrooms. My oldest nephew received a big wagon. And for my boys’ first birthday, they were given the same wagon. It bothered me, not because I wanted us to have two wagons, but because each boy got HALF a special gift for his first birthday, instead of receiving something individually.
 
There are other issues with overnights or weekend visits, where the boys are only invited as a unit, while other grandchildren are invited for individual visits. This happens with both sides of the family, and for now it is fine because my boys prefer being together, but it’s a symptom of the over-arching problem. Conversely, the boys were brought into Grandma’s office and shown off a lot more than either of my girls have ever been. Because they are twins, and because they look alike, they are more fun to show off. They are more attractive because they are a unit.
 
As a family, we were recently talking about how the boys look very much alike, but we can see differences between them. One of my boys said, “But Nana doesn’t.” His brother nodded in agreement. I was upset. Of the many people who can’t tell them apart — including sometimes me and my husband — he picked out his grandma as the person who doesn’t see differences between them.
 
Anyone else deal with this at all? Any advice? At some point we will have to speak with our parents and establish some ways to ensure the boys get even time, and I dread those conversations because I hate to ask them for more. Unfortunately, they are missing out on getting to know my little guys because they see them only as a moving clump of boy instead of as two guys who have their own strengths and weaknesses.

The Story of How My Three Came to Be

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Part I

christening-4

Our story is a sad story with a happy ending.  I offer it as a story of hope to those who may be in need.  There was a time two and a half years ago when I was that person scouring the internet in search of hope.  And I found it in pictures of identical triplets.  At that moment I simply wanted visual proof that identical triplets could be born alive.  I found what I needed and avoided the internet as much as possible throughout the remainder of my pregnancy, which was suggested by my doctor.

Did you know that you were having triplets?  This question holds a permanent spot in our top 10 list of frequently asked questions.  I remember the first time this question was asked.  I was unsure of how to answer it.  Did that person think that I could actually waddle into the hospital at 35 weeks and say, “Um, I think that there’s a problem here.  I can’t possibly have only one baby inside of me.”  In my case, this happened at 17 weeks instead of 35, which is why I was unsure of how to respond to that question the first few times it was asked.  “No.  For 17 weeks, I did not know that I was having triplets.” 

This pregnancy was considered high risk before I was even pregnant.  My first pregnancy, which was supposed to be an average, run-of-the-mill type, ended tragically when my daughter, Abigail, was born sleeping at 40 weeks.  The doctors and hospital were unable to determine what exactly caused her death.  There was a hint of placenta issues.

My first ultrasound was scheduled for 17 weeks and 4 days.  I can honestly say that I suspected that I was pregnant with twins.  Each moment of my first pregnancy was fresh in my mind so I knew that my uterus should not have been that high.  As I lifted my shirt to expose my entire abdomen for the ultrasound technician, she said, “Oh no, the baby is still down here.”  She pointed to my hip area.  I turned to Rich and whispered, “Well, who has been kicking me in the ribs.”  It was Baby B.

I wish I had some fabulous story where Rich and I laughed and cracked jokes when the technician told us that we were having triplets.  She actually did not say anything at all at first which caused me great concern.  I was close to panic, begging her to tell me something.  She placed the wand aside and asked, “Did you take any fertility drugs?”  I looked over at the frozen screen and saw two tiny heads.  She then said, “I see three babies.”  I immediately started crying while Rich attempted to calm me down.  If one baby couldn’t survive inside of me, how could three?

After the technician measured and analyzed each baby, she told us that she was going to look to see how many placentas she could find.  I closed my eyes and whispered, “There’s only going to be one.”

The conversations that took place with the doctors after that ultrasound were beyond difficult to understand.  I was pregnant with identical triplets and all three shared one placenta.  There were very thin membranes separating their amniotic fluid which was a good sign as they could not tangle their umbilical cords.         

We were then told that one of the babies had a “birth defect.”  Spina bifida.  The lower portion of his/her spine had not closed properly and as a result he/she may never walk on his/her own .  In addition, there was an accumulation of excess fluid in his/her brain that could not drain properly.  When I heard the words “birth defect,” I immediately thought of something life threatening.  This, spina bifida, we could deal with.  The thought of another baby dying, I didn’t even want to think about. 

My doctor was the head “high-risk” obstetrician at a leading Boston hospital.  He told us that it had been eleven years since he had had a patient pregnant with spontaneous identical triplets.  If there had been a happy ending with those triplets, he did not share it with us.  We received a short lesson on placenta sharing and its risks, pre-term labor and all the things that can go wrong during a pregnancy.  At the end of the conversation, I was given the option of terminating the entire pregnancy.  That wasn’t an option for us and we were told that at 17 weeks and 4 days, we should remain “cautiously optimistic” about the pregnancy. 

How far along were you when it was discovered that you were pregnant with multiples?  Was it a complete surprise or did you have that feeling?

I’ll be back in two weeks with Part II of How My Three Came to Be!

Two late to take it back

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In my first post of this series, I talked about preparing for twins during pregnancy. I am going to continue that theme today.

 

The Issue: Family support

 

What I thought: When I was pregnant, I had so many people wishing me well and offering help. I honestly felt like I would have gobs of folks lined up and out the door when my twins were born. I never thought otherwise, in fact.

 

What really happened: No one showed up. We had help the first two weeks and barely anything after that. I was overwhelmed, depressed and exhausted.

 

My advice now: Even if you think the world will show up, plan for it not happening. In fact, I’ve spent a lot of my blogging days writing about this topic because of my experience. There are lots of ways to help mothers of multiples and for MOMs to help themselves, too. Check out these old HDYDI posts of mine here and here.

Differentiating Between Multiples

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Earlier this month, our identical twin girls were at the health unit for 4-month check-ups and their immunizations.  Of course, they were measured and weighed.  To my surprise, our “smaller” baby now weighs more than her “bigger” sister. I knew she’d been eating more often than her sister recently, but I didn’t really expect she’d have caught up with and passed her “older” sister.

As I reflected on this new information, I realized that even though I have told myself I wouldn’t label the girls I still had this picture in my mind of our “younger” daughter as our “little baby”.  Until now, our “younger” daughter (by 4 minutes) had been about half a pound smaller, she had spent a little bit of time in the nursery after she was born, and she’s had a minor medical condition.  I guess I expected her to continue to be the smaller baby, and I even imagined her as the more fragile baby.

In retrospect, the picture I formed conveniently left out lots of information. Our “younger” baby was the first one to roll over, weeks before her sister did.  She was also the first one to smile. In many ways her “older” sister has recently needed more care and attention because she’s been having ongoing problems with diaper rash.  But, with my picture of this small, fragile baby in mind, I only looked for information that affirmed my view.

I can now appreciate how easy it is for outsiders assign labels to multiples. Usually they chose opposites or dichotomies like big/little, quiet/loud, calm/fussy, etc to try and differentiate between multiples. Without even realizing it, I was doing it.  I was trying to figure out how these two little babies, who look and act so much alike, are really unique individuals. I didn’t want to treat them as identical clones, who have the same appearance, the same personality, and the same needs, so I overcompensated because I wanted them to somehow be different.

I am already certain that finding a balance between what is the same and what is different is going to be an ongoing challenge for my daughters and me. As a parent, I want to protect my children from labels. I want them to have the opportunity, as they grow and develop their own personalities, to be unique individuals. At the same time, I want them to learn to value to the special blessing they have as twins.  The challenge will be to ensure that all of my children, both the girls and their older brother, are treated equitably, so they each get what they need regardless of age, gender, birth order, size, hair colour etc…

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I am also struggling with how to identify my children in my writing while maintaining their privacy.  I’m looking for names or nicknames to differentiate them without assigning them characteristics they don’t yet possess or reinforcing dichotomies. It is proving to be a challenge, but hopefully in my next posting I will introduce my children.

Summer housewarming party! (aka bloggy giveaway!)

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Hello dear readers and welcome to our new home, HDYDI.com!

To help launch our new site, we are proud to be hosting a summer giveaway. One lucky reader will win a tote bag filled with two kids’ beach towels, kids’ sunscreen, swim diapers, and some sand and water toys. The summer tote will be customized to the winner, so if you don’t need swim diapers, we’ll substitute something else.

There are FOUR ways you can help HDYDI get launched and earn entry into the giveaway:

1. Leave a comment on this post to let us know you are here!

2. Follow us on twitter! (twitter.com/hdydi) After you follow us, leave *another* comment on this post.

3. Tweet about our site launch or this giveaway. Post your tweet in *another* comment on this post.

4. Write a post on your blog, linking to this giveaway or site, and leave *another* comment on this post.

Got that? Only comments on this post will be eligible in the giveaway,  but you can enter up to four times. Deadline for the giveaway is Wednesday, July 1 at midnight EST. Don’t forget to update your bookmarks, blogrolls, and feed readers.

Highs and Lows of Parenting by: Krissy

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I have noticed a trend among mommy-bloggers and facebook-ers…either the posts and updates are sugary-sweet and upbeat, with the goal being not to seem ungrateful for their multiple bundles of joy; or they are wise-crackin’ disaster stories rife with sarcasm and self-deprecation. An example of the later would be The Meanest Mom. Have you guys read her stuff?!  Or how about Jen at Amazing Trips?Hysterical, honest and definitely not your regular mommy-blog.

I think I fall more in the first category, putting a positive spin on sleepless nights (time to pray over the kids!); illnesses (it could be worse! at least it’s not serious!), and behavioral issues (must be another developmental stage!). As a christian mom, and a mom who conceived due to infertility treatments, I often craft my blogging posts to reflect the best part of the day, so that I don’t seem ungrateful or ungodly…if that seems silly to you, then maybe “ANONYMOUS” has never commented on your blog at the slightest hint of a complaining attitude!

However, I had a day with my kids last week that got me to thinking about the highs and lows of parenting. (Please forgive the crudeness of this story.)

I woke up excited about meeting a couple of friends to go horseback riding. I only go once or twice a summer, and I was so looking forward to trying to hang on and have fun with out falling off or looking like the untrained rider that I am. The ride itself was a blast, I was some what in control of my horse, we cantered in an open field, I didn’t split my head open or need medical attention…as success in my opinion!

Upon arriving home, coated in horse grit and hot from wearing heavy jeans, I was greeted by two unhappy children. For whatever reason, when I leave them with a babysitter (in this case their grandmother), they choose to punish me for leaving them for a few hours. The whining, hitting and unhappiness was at an all time high.

They had been having a great time playing in the sprinkler until I got home, then nothing would satisfy them, and I could feel all the good endorphins from my fun ride and time alone quickly dissipating. Soon, I recognized the unmistakable odor of toddler poop. Realizing that the kids were in soaking wet bathing suits, which are lined with washable swim diapers, I decided to undress the culprit in the front yard rather than risk a wet, nasty mess getting on my living room floor. Can you see where this is headed?!

Pull down 1st diaper…water logged poop and gravity are not a good combo…poop all over the grass. Gagging, I clean up the culprit and leave the mess in the yard. Anxious to get my kids into the tub, I yank down the 2nd diaper, only to find an equally disgusting mess. Child #2  is scrubbed without mercy with the ever present diaper wipes. Two heaps of poopy swim suits are left in the hot sun.

Cajole naked kids up the steps. Place in tub. They fight, fall several times, get scolded, are clean, dry and put in fresh diapers and clean clothes. Nap time begins 1/2 an hour early.

I head back outside to deal with the mess, only to encounter a hoard of flies which have descended upon my children’s feces. Consider blasting the mess with the hose, but realize that will only spread the mess out further. Dispose of used baby wipes, and carry the mess downstairs to the laundry room. I am really unsure of how to proceed, as this has never happened before! Decide to rinse the diapers out in the deep sink-INSTANT MISTAKE! Did you know watery bits of poo can clog a sink?! S***!

Pull out an old craft paintbrush, wiggle around the stick part, dislodge the mess, comence gagging, and pull out the bleach. Oh, did I mention I had to clean up my lawn with baby wipes?!

Nap time did not help my kids’ dispositions. They wake up hungry, demanding and irritable. Irritable is also a good word to describe the state their mother is in. Call my husband to inquire about his ETA. We had plans to take the kids on a short bike ride. Hubby says he will be home soon, and asks me to bring the biking gear to the front yard so he can quickly load it on the bike rack.

While the kids are eating a pitiful dinner of rice crispies, I dash around to the garage and haul up the necessary bike helmets, bikes and tag-along seats. When I return to the dining room, I am greeted with an abstract art piece made of rice crispies. Milk soaked, these little crackling cereal bits coat my dining room table, chairs and floor. Trying not to get flustered, I decide to wait until later to deal with the mess (impossible to clean up the cereal while wet, better to wait until it is dry.)

I get the kids in clean diapers, shoes, and send them outside to wait for their father, who with any luck, will show up in 2.5 seconds. Thankfully, my knight arrives and quickly loads up the bikes and gear. The kids, who are normally ecstatic to go bike-riding, yell at each other the entire 20 minute drive to the park. We quickly assemble the bike seats, plop them in them, and start peddling. I pulled the short straw apparently, as I have the complaining one directly behind me, issuing orders in a pint-sized voice.

What I did not count on is the effect on my legs and posterior from the horseback riding…I could barely pedal my bike up the hills…my toddler companion is swatting me in the bum saying “Go Mommy! GO!”

Bedtime is nearing, and I call it quits. We head home to the chorus of more whining, and my nerves, frayed from the day, are ready to let loose…we pull into parking lot to pick up dinner (what can I say? I don’t like rice crispies for dinner!) and I beg my husband to let me be the one who gets to stand in line at Chipotle! Anything to get me away from the kids!

We get home, change the kids into their pj’s, brush their teeth, pray with them, rock them and put them to bed with a kiss and assurances of how much we love them. And love them we do!

Now, if I had just blogged about the morning horseback riding, and the evening family bike ride, I would have painted a much less accurate portrait of our day…but it would have been a tidier post! Personally, I relate better to the bloggers who speaking lovingly of their family with a good dose of realism thrown in. Any blogs you regularly read for the honest portrayal of parenthood? Are you a glass full or glass empty blogger?

Would love to hear your comments and see your blog recommendations!

What Did You Say?

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I have long excused the fact that Aaron and Brady do not speak nearly as well as their big sister did at this age. They are not the first born, they are multiples, they are boys. But as they approach their second birthday and their communication frustrations are now rising along with mine, I’ve been thinking about this thing we MoMs often hear about:

Twin Talk.

Is it true? Do twins really develop their own language? If you listen to Aaron and Brady with each other, they seem to understand each other. They babble back and forth to each other in their cribs when they wake up in the morning and before they fall asleep at night. They “chat” in their car seats in the car. But are they really communicating? Or, do they simply enjoy each other’s company. I used to think it was the former, but the more I watch them and the more reading up I do on “twin talk”, the more I think it’s the latter.

If you truly listen to them and their mispronounciations, they have the same ones. For example, they substitute the “B” sound with the “D” sound universally. I don’t think this is a function of twin talk so much as one started and the other is copying him. And now that the second is reinforcing the first, he’s not apt to change his habits.

So, what to do?

I’m not sure they’d qualify for Early Intervention programs at this point (especially with the level of “need” rising with budgets being cut), but it’s still worth inquiring about at their 2-year check up in a few weeks. I do think, however, that there is quite a bit of work that my husband and I can and should (and don’t currently do enough of) with them at home.

For starters, we are fairly terrible at getting them alone time with us or with other children. They spend a good 90% of their time together, as a unit. The few times we’ve separated them for outings, Aaron has embraced it and Brady has looked lost. For that reason alone we should focus more of our energy getting them apart. But I think speaking to them one on one, without the influence of the other, would help with their language skills as well.

Second, we are also very quick to respond to their communication attempts even when they are not clear. We have identified patterns in their spoken language, patterns in their body language and just patterns in their behavior depending on the time of day that lead us to be able to anticipate most of their needs and interpret their grunts and whines when the words that they do have are not sufficient. This does nothing to encourage them to work on their vocabulary or language skills at all. They know Mommy and Daddy will get them what they need — and we are always the ones caring for them — so they have no need to fine tune their communication.

I hope that by making an extra effort as parents, we will start to see some of the frustrations go away – on their end and on ours.

What about you other parents of multiples? What is your take on Twin Talk and what have you done to get past it?

The {ScArY} 1st Night Alone…

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At times, I feel being a first time mom to twins is quite the comedy of errors- at the beginning especially.  Ever feel like the guy from ‘Candid Camera’ is going to jump out and tell you that you trying to balance multiples is all on film for the world to laugh at??! Well, new moms of multiples: hang in there and have hope!   Of course with every stage there are new challenges, but I think that we have finally gotten the hang of it (for the time being!).  I will never forget that very first time I was alone with Reese and Riley though…

Flashback:

halloween

(R & R were both home by Halloween, so I dressed the tiny girls up in cat tutus from PetsMart- ha!)

About 10 minutes after the evening my parents left after staying with us for a week when both girls were finally home from the NICU (at the time my hubby was in grad school and in class), BOTH girls started crying in unison wanting to eat.  (We call that our chorus line.)  So… I gave Riley her paci and started feeding Reese… then switched.  There was quite a bit of crying, but we made it thru and even managed to “fight off” nosy Cali dog (she’s a toy poodle) who LOVES milk and LOVES the girls.  Literally an hour later the same thing happened– hungry again- both crying.  I finally fed, changed, and calmed both down (AGAIN) and warmed up some left over pizza for dinner.  I was sitting on the couch with the girls by me on their Boppy pillows when I bit into my crust and something HARD was in my mouth!  I thought my molar had fallen out!  This is SO RANDOM, but it was a BOLT (as in nut and bolt) that was IN my pizza crust!!  YUCK!   So that threw me for a loop!  The girls were still sleeping (a solid 20 minutes- whoo hoo!), so I decided I needed to pump. I brought the pump out into the living room since the girls were sleeping there in their bassinet.  As I was putting it on the end table, I knocked over my entire glass of water- all over my phone, remote, pump, the floor… you name it.  So after cleaning it up, just as I was “hooked up,” Riley was screaming… all the way across the room in her bed.  I figured she was hungry again- I was clueless… desperate…- so I “unscrewed” one of the bottles to give her.  Not to go into too many details… (probably TMI!)… I wasn’t paying attention, but dripped milk ALL over the pillow in my lap as well as ALL over my jeans!  I didn’t notice until Cali started licking it uncontrollably.  So- I fed Riley, changed her, put her down, and changed all while Reese was screaming.  I picked Reese up and put her on the changing “table” which really is just a bassinet- she was surrounded by sides– couldn’t fall out of anything, and she fell right asleep, so I sat by her, but hooked back up to finish pumping.  In the meantime, Cali noticed this blanket bundle (AKA Reese) moving and she was scared of it.  She began barking over and over and would not stop… which was then waking up the girls. Cali then needed to go outside, but it was storming- raining like crazy, which made her hesitant to go out (she’s a poodle- remember??), so I just cracked the back door for her.  When I went back to close it a few minutes later- it had rained IN my house a TON- duh!  Oh what a night- the girls then had been down for about 20 minutes and then Hubby came home—Hallelujiah!   The early days are such a blur, but oh my goodness so many times- we just had to laugh!

My girls are now 9 1/2 months and Reese is crawling!  So as I now try to balance one crawler and one sitter, the challenges never cease, but look at these faces… I find them irresistible!

fun-ride

(Reese, Riley)

I still have those “candid camera” moments, but being a mom of multiples is so special!  Every day and every stage is worth it (and gets easier to some extent!)- I promise!  Do you agree?  What’s been your favorite stage with your multiples?