Am I a Fraud?

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This post is cross-posted (w/ a few minor changes) from my blog,  Sorry to be playing up the “If you’ve got twins, you must be infertile” stereotype, but I feel like there’s probably an audience here for these thoughts.  And I’m curious to know if other multiples moms post-infertility feel less stressed about a second go-round.  Or if you’ll even go around again?  Read and discuss…

Am I still supposed to be pissed off about infertility? Maybe I’m not one to hold a grudge, but I think I’m kind of over it. Is that wrong? Does it mean I wasn’t suffering enough during those four years? Like, I didn’t want a baby enough? That can’t be it, can it?

But these days I don’t get mad when I read about people who adopt and then get pregnant a month later. I’m happy! I might roll my eyes a little, but I swear, I’m happy! And I barely cringed when my friend with the 18 month old baby called me all down in the dumps about not getting knocked up with #2 after a couple months. I acknowledge her pain, even!

So, what is up? It was four long years of pure hell. Aren’t I supposed to be damaged and bitter? I can’t change how I feel, but I admit I feel like an IF Fraud for getting over it like this.

I guess part of it is that I don’t really want infertility to define me. I so appreciate blogs like Mel’s which was such a huge help to me when I was in the trenches, but I just don’t know how she does it. How can she spend so much time reading about so much struggle and loss? She’s doing such a great service to the infertile community, but I know I couldn’t and wouldn’t devote anything close to the time, energy and heart that she does to the cause. Maybe I’m just a lazy jerk, but the truth is, I want that part of my past to stay in the past. I’m there to support, but I will have a hard time conjuring up the anger.

I wonder if I would I feel the same way if I’d had a singleton. Knowing that I might try again would really keep me “in the game” if you will. But I’m so happy with our family as it is right now, that it’s been very easy for me to chuck my Infertility Anger out the door.

Don’t worry, though. I will never be an actual “Fertile.” Uh uh. I’m just a non-practicing infertile. Until some media type comes on tv talking about how many embryos that fool had “implanted.” Then my inner infertile will rear her ugly head, I promise.

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13 thoughts on “Am I a Fraud?”

  1. I kind of feel like you do. I’ll never forget where I came from (IF hell) or how long it took us (6 years) but the bitterness of it all is gone, which is still amazing to me…your right. Aren’t we supposed to be bitter about this?? But I don’t have time to sit around and be mad about someone getting pregnant on an “oops.” It happens. I have so many friends who are still trying…it hurts. It hurts so much to see my friends hurt…but I have my hands full, I have 2 beautiful daughters, I’m very blessed. And if we wouldn’t of done THAT cycle, with THOSE embryos, my life would be totally different. And i wouldn’t want it any other way….
    As far as a second go round? I’ll never let my family again see me as a person going through IF treatments. I just can’t bear to do it. So if one day we decide we’ll try again. It will be the old fashion way…I heard you can get pregnant by having sex! Who knew? 😉
    .-= Christina´s last blog ..Enjoying the weather while we still can =-.

  2. I guess I am still a little bitter and our IF journey was less than half your’s. I don’t think I dwell or spend any more than a few seconds being angry, but the thoughts do cross my mind. Mostly it’s at comments like “we just look at each other and we get pregnant” I mean c’mon I’m older than 12. And I mourn for those still struggling with IF. So I’d say I’m mostly over it but not all the way.
    Our twins were another round of IF treatments, so we did do it again. And it was just as rollercoaster-y and unpleasant, but shorter than the first time around. And just as full of fear and paranoia until delivery day (probably more so since it was twins).

  3. I wasn’t over it after my first daughter, but after a year of trying (and several failed rounds of ivf) I was done and emotionally ready to move on. We decided to try one more time, knowing it would not work, but then it did and we had the twins. I’m so exhausted from having them that I don’t have the emotional space for crabbiness over infertility. Hopefully this will be a lasting thing in terms of being over it, even when I am getting more sleep!
    .-= nonlineargirl´s last blog ..I am not a shill (f)or a clown =-.

  4. Relatively, our IF experience was easy – one round of IVF w/ICSI after exactly 12 months of trying (we got tested after just 9 months of trying) and we got our twins. Now, we are trying for #3 with our frozen embies and it does bring back some of the pain of IF.

    Having the twins has certainly taken the edge off but it’s still hard to hear about people getting pg so easily. A friend of mine got pg her first month of “not trying to not get pregnant”,meaning they weren’t technically trying, they just weren’t avoiding it either – oh ya, and they had been married for 2 whole months! I’m SOOOOO happy for her but it’s hard not to be a bit jealous – not of her pregnancy, per se, but of her getting there.

    I don’t want to be bitter or angry but still, it’s hard not to be when I feel robbed of an experience i expected to have. Going through IF means you never get to surprise people with, “OMG, we just found out we’re pregnant!!” For some reason, that’s the part that bothers me the most about it.
    .-= Nicole´s last blog ..Reunion =-.

  5. “Nonpracticing infertile” — I love it! I can relate to your post. We tried for 4 years and finally gambled on IVF/ICSI and got our 10 mo twins. We are Done with that capital D. I’m the only sibling of twins and my experience has made me feel that three is a very lonely number when two are twins. But although I am very happy that my family is complete and I am ready to move on with my life after feeling stuck for so long, I’m a little agitated when new mom friends start talking about TTC #2 already. I begin to feel like an outsider again. It’s a reason I took my blog password-protected recently — otherwise you could read all about such an experience with TTC #2 talk. : )

  6. I’m with you. Totally done with it. When I had my c-section, I insisted on a tubal. My doctor said, “are you sure?” After 4-years, 5 clomid/IUI, two miscarraiges, and three IVF/ICSIs culminating in 25 weeks of bedrest during pregnancy in which I bled the entire time, I said, “seriously?” Like I haven’t had time to think about this? I am so done with the whole trying-to-get-pregnant and the being-pregnant thing.

    I DO feel very, very, very badly for those still in the trenches, and do feel some “survivor guilt”, but I just don’t have the energy for it anymore. I just want to let go of all that crap and enjoy our life now.

    I also still get pissed when people get it wrong…like say “implanted” or make other such uneducated comments.

  7. Sorry for my ignorance, but can someone tell me what’s wrong with saying “implanted”? Not that I say it all the time (or ever), but I’d like to learn something here.

  8. We tried on our own for 10 years … yes, you read that right … 10 years. Finally, we sought help as a last ditch effort. We were ready to start adoption applications, but my husband felt it was worth the expense to try this last option …
    We were the lucky ones, pregnant through IVF on our second try with a single … used our remaining 4 frozen guys 6 months later and we had our twins.

    Our “Journey” was fairly easy and I have to say I’m so over it all … Had I been one of the women to go through that for multiple years, I know I wouldn’t have done … I admire all of you who had the courage to continue …

    For me, adoption was never off the table and never seemed second best (I’m not sure that is the right way to phrase that)… I grew up in a home where my mom and dad thought it was important to help kids without homes, so we always had one or two foster children living with us … so my experience with infertility never seemed to be about having my own biological children … I think that aspect holds a different level of importance for everyone.

  9. Suz- Implantation is what the embryos do when you actually get pregnant from an IVF. The doctors transfer one or two (or maybe more embryos) into you and hope that one implants and becomes a baby.

    Infertility doesn’t make me angry, but it does make me sad. Especially as people start asking me if we’re having more kids—I mean, do I really want to explain that I’m not sure I want to do months of shots in my butt again? It seems like TMI. I’d rather be able to decide that we’d liek another baby, and within 6 months tell my husband we’re expecting another baby.
    .-= rebecca´s last blog ..Threadless Tshirt Giveaway at =-.

  10. I’ll admit to still being a little bitter. It was all I could do to not roll my eyes at the woman who told me her husband sneezes at her and she gets pregnant. I still see people with multiples and wonder if they did it with IVF. I’m still really pissed off at my body for putting me through IF hell. But, if we hadn’t lived through IF hell, M&M wouldn’t be here, and I can’t bear the thought.

    Is my family complete? Not just yet, but I do not want IF to consume me next time. I need to figure out how to rise above it (if it is even possible – see, still a little bitter) next time.

  11. You are not a fraud. Feelings are not rational or irrational; they just are.

    I am still a bit bitter about the whole thing. It doesn’t consume me, but there are moments (like the ones most others have eluded to… when someone announces they are unexpectedly pregnant or declares that conception was as easy as their husband sneezing in their direction) that I feel my anger rise.

    My period was actually 5 days late last month, and I allowed myself to entertain the thought that sex=pregnancy. When the test was negative, I again mourned the fact that I will never just wake up one day and discover I am pregnant. Keep in mind, we are not TTC, and I don’t even know if I want another baby at this point. I just wanted to be “normal.”

  12. Just found your blog and your post really resonated with me. We have 6 month old twins from IVF (after 3 failed cycles on IUI) for unexplained infertility. 2 work collegues are now pregnant, I am amazed that I am still feeling bitter and confused despite having 2 wonderful babies and having the life I have always dreamed of. I am hoping that the bitterness will fade in times and I am making an effort to enjoy this precious time with my little ones and keep any negativity out of our house. My thoughts will always be with individuals who are still trying to conceive and I will offer support in any way that I can, I just don’t want to be consumed by infertility any-more.
    .-= Globetrotting Cacti´s last blog ..Sunday reflective time… =-.

  13. Wow, I’m right there with you. I had a pretty long IF journey…about 3 years and 11 medicated cycles before we got pg with our twins. But I never had a lot of anger or hopelessness…I think everyone has a different experience. I think for me what helped was that I’m lucky to live in MA, where IF treatments are covered by insurance so we didn’t have big money worries surrounding treatment, I was in my twenties at the time so I didn’t feel a big “ticking clock” yet, and I was very open to the idea of adoption. Add in a wonderfully supportive spouse, and I know how incredibly lucky I was through my whole IF journey.

    I actually just had baby #3…a surprise baby conceived when we weren’t “trying”. Well, okay, we were relying on our IF as birth control, but in my mind, if I’m not going to an RE 10 times a month, it hardly counts as trying to get pregnant :) Once in a while, someone who knows our story will pull a “see, you just needed to relax and stop trying”. That’s the only thing that pisses me off. Yes, we did finally get pregnant on our own…after SEVEN years without using birth control. I’d hardly say we’re poster children for fertility, and I think I’d managed to be relaxed more than once during those seven years! That’s such an annoying source of misinformation, and I’d hate for anyone to pull me out as their “she stopped trying and got pregnant just like that!” urban legend.
    .-= WhatACard´s last blog ..Discrimination against new moms =-.

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