Monthly Archives: July 2010

Ironic- don't ya think?

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Ahhh… Alanis Morissette brings back memories of my junior high years. The times when I hung beads from my door, screwed a black light bulb into my fan, and rocked out to Alanis with my girlfriends in my room. Ironic was a fav. It popped in my head the other day when I was thinking ‘anything that could go wrong, is going wrong today.’ It’s quite ironic. Or some may call it “Murphy’s Law.” I’d like to share with you:

Ironic-  Having Multiples Edition

Miss I’m Never Sick will start feeling bad

but only when your big trip is planned.

THEN sister gets it.  Should you take that flight?

You have to cancel plans, and think “Well isn’t this nice…”

And isn’t it ironic… don’t you think

It’s like rain on your errands day

It’s two dirty diapers when you’re already late

It’s singleton advice that for you didn’t work

Who would’ve thought… it figures.

The kids don’t sleep in after staying up late

You cook dinner, and neither kid thinks it’s great.

It’s like ten-thousand toys and they scream for the SAME  one

It’s playing with boxes and paper. That’s the most fun.

And isn’t it ironic… don’t you think

A little too ironic… and, yeah, I really do think…

It’s like rain on your errands day

It’s two dirty diapers when you’re already late

It’s singleton advice that for you didn’t work

Who would’ve thought… it figures.

Multiples have a funny way of keeping you on your toes.  Multiples have a funny, funny way of changing your plans… Changing your plans…

:)  What are some other Having Multiples Murphy’s Laws???!

Twin connections

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Our identical twin girls are now 18 months old, and they have just recently started to show signs of the special twin connection or bond everyone talks so much about.  Most of the time they are either doing their own things or competing for attention. But, every now and then they’ll show that they are aware of and concerned about each other.  Here are a few examples.

The girls are only allowed to have their soothers in their cribs or in their bedroom.  When I’m changing R, and S is on the floor, S will crawl over to her crib and get her soother.  Then, she’ll get R’s soother and bring it to her. R will do the same thing if I’m changing S first.

S was riding around the living room on a toy car while R was playing in another part of the room.  S wanted to pick up a toy but couldn’t reach it from on the car. She pointed at the toy, but I said she would have to get off and pick it up herself.  Meanwhile R came over and picked up the toy for S. R then went back to playing with her toys.

Recently, I was breastfeeding S before bed.  Nana took R for a walk down the hall to keep her busy for a couple of minutes.  When it was time to trade, I started feeding R and Nana went to put S in her crib.  S was quite upset.  She kept pointing down the hall where her sister had been walking.  So Nana had to take her for a walk even though she hadn’t seen where her sister went while she was feeding.

At dinner they will often trade cups or spoons or bowls. This transaction is a different from when one reaches over and takes something from her sister. They just suddenly pass each other their cups and then continue with their meals.

It is so refreshing to see these moments when so much of my time is spent refereeing or mediating between the two girls and their older brother. I’m looking forward to seeing how this connection develops as they get older, more mobile and more communicative.

Do your multiples share a special bond? When did your children start to develop a special bond? How do you nurture it?

One-to-ones

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A friend of mine has twins who are about a year younger than mine (which would put them right around 15 months). She has a babysitter who comes in for 4 hour chunks several times a week so she can do some part time work at home or run errands or do whatever needs doing. But she also uses her sitter as an opportunity to spend some one-on-one time with each kid. For example, the sitter might come at a time when she’s signed up for a mommy and me type of class, so she’ll take just one (and alternate from week to week) instead of taking both. I’ll admit, at first this seemed strange to me. Why not just take both? I know the other gets to go the following week, but I felt bad for the kid left at home who didn’t get to attend the music class or art class or whatever sort of activity it was. And I prided myself for being the kind of MoM who can handle taking both of my kids out to a library storytime or playdate at the playground by all by myself.

But recently, I’ve begun to see her strategy as very, very wise and healthy. Because Tiny and Buba spend all day every day together. And yes, I have some one on one time with each kid throughout the day (as does my husband when he’s on duty in the afternoon while I do some very part time work outside the home), but the other kid is always nearby. On the weekends, we tend to spend our time together as a family, something there really isn’t much time for during the week. Our kids have seemed happy enough with this arrangement, so we haven’t questioned it much.

But last weekend, while we were poking around at a yard sale not too far from our house, my son got very, very fussy. It was clear that he needed to leave. So, my husband pulled an umbrella stroller out of the car, and took off with Buba while Tiny and I stayed to look around. The second the van started up Tiny began to scream and cry, “Buba! Buba!” She didn’t want to stay if he wasn’t staying too. She demanded that I hold her and refused to walk, as she’d been doing since the moment we’d gotten out of the van. Instead of smiling and waving to all the people and cars who came by, she clung to me. And whenever a stranger spoke to her, Tiny tried to bury her head into my shoulder. This was not the Tiny I knew.

I don’t doubt that my twins share a special bond that I’ll never fully comprehend. But seeing Tiny fall apart like that has made me realize that without the one-to-one time, I’m not helping my kids to see themselves and each other as individuals. And  I really want my kids to feel confident and happy when they’re apart as well as when they’re together. But I don’t know how they’ll learn to feel that way if we don’t ever give them the opportunity to practice.

Making Food Healthy and Fun!

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I’m super lucky that my twins are far from picky eaters, but they are still toddlers and therefore have opinions- strong ones, so I’m always trying to get creative to make food healthy and fun.  I recently read an article on CNN.com titled, “10 Nutrition Powerhouses for Kids”.  You should too!  I found it so interesting- it listed 10 fabulous powerhouse foods and explained WHY they were so good for our kids and ways to get them into our kids’ diets.   Great ideas!

Here are some things I’ve tried lately spice up our meals:

-use cookie cutters to make the girls sandwiches into fun shapes.  (Or LunchPunch sandwich cutters are fabulous- there are animal shapes and even shapes like puzzle pieces!)  They LOVE it.

- My girls love to dip!  Anything into anything, basically. :)  veggies in hummus, fruit in yogurt, toast in peanut butter, chicken in ketchup.  If they can dip it, they will eat it!

-And for a fun summer treat, I’ve been making popsicles!  I got popsicle molds for $1 at Michaels (also seen them at Target and Walmart), and used sugar free, fat free Jello pudding (after following directions on the box) and popped them into the freezer.  Easy and delicious!  Another idea- blend fruit and milk, pour in, and freeze.

What are YOUR healthy and fun food ideas/tips??

My Child, The Starfish

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So the twins are almost 27 months now and we’ve been in a phase of NoMommyIDoItMyself for several months now. That, we’ve got down. It’s the new-within-the-last six weeks Starfish Syndrome that is new for us.

Our most independent, most spirited twin has taken to wanting ME to do EVERYTHING when an adult is needed. Except that I work full-time. And well, having another child who wants me sometimes, too.

For ever and ever, my partner and I have alternated children for bedtime routine (they sleep in separate rooms). But now Clingy Clingerton wants me every.single.night. To the extent that Clingy will cry and scream as if being mauled. Culminating with vomit that requires sheet and pajama changes. Smart kid, eh?

My partner’s feelings are hurt.

Clingy’s twin says “it’s my turn now, Mommy”.

It used to be that we could read a book or two, say prayers, kiss Clingy on the forehead goodnight, and walk out. Now, it’s all “I lay by you, Mommy”, through tears if you so much as lift your head off the pillow. And don’t even think about leaving the bed before Clingerton is fast asleep. And so what, right? It’s maybe 10-20 minutes next to a miracle and it feels safe to the kiddo and I’m not in a rush to go cook dinner.

But still.

I’m told that it’s just a phase and to enjoy being “needed” because soon enough they’ll not want me at all. Maybe. But it sure makes getting anything else done difficult. And my other kid sure is missing Mommy time.

**********

Rachel re-invents the rearing-a-toddler wheel over at Motherhood.Squared .

more on separation

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As I wrote in my last post, we are gently working with our boys on separation from each other. Our boys will be 6 in August, and will start kindergarten. They’ll be in the same class, and we have no interest in forcing the two of them apart. Their bond is tight and they’re far more outgoing when they’re in a room together, than when they’re out of eye- and earshot from one another.

G, my “baby A,” wants to be a baseball player when he grows up. P, his twin, wants to be a chef. This caused them some stress for a while, until they worked out an arrangement where P would locate his restaurant next to the stadium, and G would eat there before his games each day. P is also willing to work as a food vendor in the stadium while G is playing.

Anyway, G wanted to play T-ball this spring, and P did not. This was the first thing they’ve done separately, without any coaxing from us, so we were anxious and interested to see how it would go.

During the first practice, P stayed home with me and grew increasingly agitated over his brother’s absence. He eventually laid down in his bed and cried a little, just before G arrived home. When G came in he asked me, “Was P crying because he missed me?” before he’d even seen his brother.

We all attended G’s games, and P wanted to get a foam #1 finger he could wave to cheer G on. G participated fully and cheerfully, which was interesting because he was the more dependent twin during this past year of preschool.

This weekend G’s T-ball league was invited to march in our town’s Independence Day parade, so he and my husband left early and headed for the fairgrounds while the other kids and I staked out a spot downtown. P was quiet during the parade, although he happily scurried to collect candy thrown from the floats with the other kids. A few times he asked how much longer it would be until he’d see his brother…

By the end of the evening, he was getting agitated and upset. He was very anxious to get home, and spent the whole car ride wondering aloud whether G would be home yet when we got there. Fortunately they’d beat us home, and the boys hugged for a long time when they saw each other.

Their relationship is so far beyond my understanding that I’m hesitant to do much to manipulate it. The only punishment that affects them at all is separation. One in the basement, one in their bedroom… and that is 10-15 minutes of the two of them calling to each other through the HVAC vents. Absolutely nothing else gets through to them, because they have each other and what more do they need?

I love their closeness. I love that they are making these small decisions to be apart, even though it’s a little uncomfortable for them. Mostly, I love that they are making these decisions, because the guilt of it would drive me nuts if I’d been the one to separate them. Watching them take responsibility for pursuing their own interests is fascinating.

Jen is a work-from-home mom of 5-year-old twin boys, and two girls ages 3 and 8. She also blogs at Diagnosis: Urine, where she examines the finer points of potty training failure.

Guest Post: Review and Giveaway – One and the Same

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Hello, dear HDYDI readers!  We have a special treat for you today.  A guest post from the super-awesome twin mom and blogger, Sadia, of Double the Fun.  Sadia has given us a very thoughtful review of One and the Same, by Abigail Pogrebin.  Even better still, the author is letting us give away a signed copy of the book!  Don’t forget to leave a comment that includes a valid email address in the form (email is never made public, never passed out or sold to anyone) so that we can contact you if you win. One entry per person, please.  Comments will close this Friday, July 9, at 5PM EDT and a winner will be chosen at random.

And now, here’s Sadia!

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The other day my husband said, “You’ve been reading a lot of parenting books. Don’t you think you’re a good mom?”

“It’s not that,” I told him. “I think I’m a pretty good mother to Jessica and Melody. I read these books because I want to stay ten steps ahead of them. I want to be challenged by other people’s ideas. They’ll either help me recommit to the parenting philosophies and practices I already subscribe to, or they’ll make me rethink how I parent.”

Abigail Pogrebin’s One and the Same is a book that has challenged me as a mother of twins, causing me to change my parenting in some ways and dig in my heels in others. I hadn’t yet heard of the book when Abby asked me to review it several months ago, but I’m sure I would have bought and devoured it by now even if she hadn’t.

Abby is a journalist and an identical twin herself. She set out to write about twinship, and explores the myriad experiences of twinhood in depth. One and the Same balances intimate stories of individual sets of twins with patterns identified by researchers who study twins. Much of the writing is intensely personal, but it speaks to the mystery, joy and challenges of the universal twin experience.

I was particularly intrigued by the way that twinship can impact marriage. Abby describes it beautifully. She says that being Robin’s twin has given her, “a congenital clarity of what it is to be wholly close to another human being.” Some of the twins Abby interviewed drew parallels between the twin relationship and marriage. I hope that the compromise skills that my daughters are learning to survive life with one another serve them well should they choose to marry. On the flip-side, Abby points out that during her time at the Twinsburg convention, she notices a high number of twins, mostly male, who have never been married. Might women be put off by the intimacy and affection that twin brothers share?

I wept my way through the chapter on twin death. Abby interviewed a man who lost his twin in the Twin Towers on 9/11. She also found a number of people who thought they were singletons and developed an inexplicable fascination with twins, only to discover that they were the sole survivors of twin pregnancies. I look at my daughters and can’t imagine how one could navigate her life without the other.

The only part of the book that I didn’t like was, ironically enough, the one that dealt with parenting twins. Whereas Abby spent the rest of the book showing us how different and unique each experience of twinship is, this chapter spoke in generalities, many of which failed to resonate with my experience as a mother of twins. Like Abby, I take exception to the experts’ assertion that every mother of multiples has a favourite child. From time to time, each of my kids drives me nuts, and from time to time, one needs more of my attention. The love, though, is equally infinite. The takeaway of the chapter was that the challenges of raising twins, especially in the early years, outweigh the joys. I disagree. Yes, it’s often hard, but good parenting is hard, no matter how many kids you have.

The parenting lesson I took away from One and the Same is that twinship does not have to compromise individuality. Twins don’t have to choose between their twin identity and their personal identity. A singleton myself, I recently realized that I had assumed that emphasizing my daughters’ twinship would cripple them as they developed their individual identities and interests. Abbie shows us that does not have to be the case. Being a twin is part of what make my daughters, Jessica and Melody, unique. However, One and the Same doesn’t shy away from the reality that there are pairs of twins out there for whom their twinship defines them. For instance, it quotes Debbie Ganz, who, with her sister Lisa used to run a restaurant in which all the waiters were pairs of identical twins. “A guy once said to me, ‘I don’t want to know about your twin thing: what are you like?’ I froze and started to feel upset. Because I couldn’t answer him.”

One and the Same is the most astute book I’ve come across that discusses the twin experience. I would have enjoyed it equally, although differently, if I’d never met a twin in my life.

Q and A with Abigail Pogrebin

Abigail Pogrebin was kind enough to answer a few questions that occurred to me while I was reading One and the Same. This is what she had to say.

Sadia: You share intimate and sometimes heart-breaking details about how you feel about your changing relationship with Robin. Has she read your book? What was her reaction? What about your parents’?

Abby: I didn’t feel I could write this book without Robin’s blessing (and her editing – she’s a formidable journalist) and so I showed her a draft as soon as I finished it. I admit that it wasn’t an easy read for her at times, and she even challenged me in some places, which I think made me revisit certain sections and rethink them. But the truth is that Robin was incredibly supportive of the book, both privately and publicly. I was grateful that she agreed to go on the Today Show with me and that she worked so hard to prepare for a special event we did together last fall in New York in which she interviewed me about the book before an audience of 200-plus; she made it a wonderful evening. Most importantly, this book made us closer in ways I can’t quite explain. It’s like the truth finally was on the table and we could get on with this phase of our relationship.

As for my parents, they were also tremendous boosters, but feel somewhat baffled by why twinship can end up being complicated when it felt so simple to them during our childhoods.

Sadia: You’ve described twin romance beautifully, and have been able to convey how normal and natural that intense relationship is, even if much of society is unable to comprehend it and sometimes views it as pathological. My husband and I see that romance growing in our own daughters. Do you have any advice to parents like us on how to prepare our kids for resistance they may get from others regarding their twin relationship?

Abby: My only advice is to talk about it ahead of time, to discuss the fact that their twin romance can be intimidating, excluding, or off-putting to other people and sometimes they may want to keep their intimacy to themselves, if that makes sense.

Sadia: Many parents of young multiples are careful not to refer to their children as “the twins” or “the boys”, because they want to help the world see their children as individuals, and not just members of a set. If your children had been twins, would you object to them being referred to as “the twins”?

Abby: Yes, if I had twins, I would object to people calling them “the twins,” because I do think it has a cumulative negative effect over time; it  underlines their two-ness as opposed to their singularity. It may seem unimportant, especially when the twins are young, but I know I hated the term growing up. It felt lazy to me when someone called us that; is it really so taxing for them to say our names when they’re talking about us?

Sadia: If you could give parents three pieces of advice on nurturing both their twin’s closeness and their independence, what would they be?

Abby:

  1. Spend separate time with your twins. Even if they resist doing things apart.
  2. Encourage different activities, lessons, playdates, pursuits.
  3. Let their insularity be. It has its own magic, and at the end of the day, the intimacy wins.

Sadia: We have a set of triplets in our extended family. I can’t help wondering how having more than one same-age sibling would affect relationships between multiples. Do you know any higher order multiples? How would you compare their relationships to those of the twins you interviewed?

Abby: I don’t know any triplets myself, but I did interview one in my book and her story is worth reading – it appears in the chapter on competition. It amazed me that a triplet can feel like the third wheel when the other two triplets are twins.

Sadia: You quote Joan Friedman’s distinction between being known and being noticed, as it pertains to twinship. Could you please explain this distinction to HDYDI’s readers? You acknowledge that her distinction resonated with your sister’s experience of being a twin. Do you ever feel less “known” because you were a twin

Abby: As twins, you’re often “noticed” because you stand out – especially if you’re identical. It’s an oddity, a novelty, people notice you, look at you longer, compare you. People are curious, they confer all sorts of ideas about what your bond and relationship must be like. But most of the time, they don’t really get to know you; even the people who see you regularly –relatives, friends, teachers. They don’t necessarily make the effort to get to know who you really separately (and yes, it may take more effort to ascertain those differences.) They seem content with the superficiality of your twinship. So they notice you, yes, but they don’t know you.

* Disclaimer – Although Ms Pogrebin did contact Sadia to ask her to review the book, Sadia purchased her own copy. This review was not influenced in any way by the author.