Monthly Archives: May 2011

What's mine and what's yours?

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4

I’m going to be travelling next week to attend a conference. This is my first time away from the kids for longer than overnight. I’m looking forward to the chance to focus on work and the research I’ve worked on for the last few years. But, I’m also worried about being so far away from the kids for so long. I’m sure the novelty of not having to worry about potty visits, snacks and cleaning up toys will wear off fairly quickly, and I’ll miss them a lot.

But, before I can even get away for the conference, there’s a lot of organizing I need to do. It seems like it will take a dozen people to look after the kids while I’m gone. Between family, friends, our nanny and my husband, I know everything will be looked after and the kids will be cared for. But the logistics are quite complicated. I know my husband can look after his own children, but I want to make it as easy for him as possible since he’ll be looking after all the parenting responsibilities.

The need to put down things down on paper has reinforced how many things I do intuitively and naturally as part of my daily routine. Despite my attempts to include my husband in parenting decisions and my expectation that he does his share when he isn’t at work, there are things he rarely has to deal with. For example, I realized that I have all the health insurance cards and birth certificates in my wallet. I have the nanny and doctor’s phone numbers on my computer and in my cell phone. And, I know which cream is for regular diaper rash, which is for more serious diaper rash, which is for dry skin and which is for S’s rash on her foot.

My husband is definitely the expert on baths. He is able to get three kids clean and ready for bed, and they all enjoy the process completely. I, on the other hand, usually end up wet, frustrated and wondering what I’m going to do with these slippery bodies trying to escape my grasp.

What aspects of parenting are “yours” and “your partner’s”? Do you try to balance the responsibilities and make sure both parents are involved in childcare, or do you each have your own specialities?

I want you to see me

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9

A few weeks ago, I had a dream about my daughter. Recently, she has been an unhappy little girl, always clingy and whiny. We’re trying to find out why. We suspect that she may have allergies. But since I don’t have any definite answers, I thought this dream conversation would be a good time to ask. Her response, which was well beyond her current language skills, was “I want you to see me.” I can tell you that, even in a dream, that statement hits all my mommy-guilt buttons.

I am certain that my children (singleton or multiple) are well cared for, treated with love and respect, and valued for who they are. But, there is always a nagging voice that makes me wonder how our efforts to treat them like unique individuals are perceived in their preschool minds and hearts. Do they feel a tension between wanting to be special and wanting what their siblings have? Do they try to differentiate themselves from each other? Are my little one’s clingy and whiny behaviours really an attempt to get attention? Could she physically manifest her need for attention because she has no other way to express her needs? While continuing to figure out if our daughter has allergies that might explain her mood, I am also focusing on making sure everyone gets one-on-one time with mommy or daddy whenever possible. Fortunately, we have a new nanny, so I have some flexibility to do errands and take time out with just one child. That’s all I can do. Caring for three small children, plus working full-time, doesn’t leave much time for worrying about questions that have no answers. Which, I think, is in many ways, one of the blessings of having multiples. We are so busy doing what we need to do, that we can’t worry about we could or should do differently.

How do you deal with mommy guilt about raising multiples? How do you talk about your children about what they feel about being multiples and what they need as multiples?