Monthly Archives: August 2011

Making the Bed Transition

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Hello, I’m Meredith and this is my first post on HDYDI. My twins, Elizabeth and David, are 16 months old. I consider myself quite the Twin Momma (capital TM) and have all the shirts and coffee mugs to show it off. When it comes to my kids though, I acknowledge I have two very different children that happen to have been born at the same time.

I am a major planner and the thing that has been on my mind lately is planning the kids’ transition out of the crib and into a bed. I know I am still a little early since they are only 16 months old but as I said, I am a planner. I struggle because I also need to separate their bedrooms. Part of it is that they are boy/girl but the bigger part is that the bedrooms are so small in our house, I do not think I can fit two twin size beds into one room.

The logistic side of me says when they are ready to leave the crib and move to a big bed just move their rooms then. I was thinking we take a weekend where the kids can stay at Grandma’s and my husband and I can play musical rooms. Then the kids can be totally surprised and excited about each having their own room with their own stuff and it will be lots of fun.

Then the motherly side of me kicked in. No longer in the safety of their crib, no longer in a room with their sibling, and poor David will be in a completely different room. I worry that it would be a huge shock to their little bodies and no one will sleep for months (I can’t go through that again!).

So far, the best thing I thought of is when the time comes, still take that weekend, play musical rooms but keep one crib in each room. That way each room will contain one twin size bed and one crib. My hope is that that will let them deal with the transition of being apart and get used to their new rooms while still having the comfort (and confinement) of their cribs. Let them be in that arrangement for a few weeks and then start to use the twin bed.

What did you do to transition your children from the crib to the big bed?
Did you separate their rooms?
How old were they when you made these transitions?

A Mother's Belief

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A Mother’s Belief

Hi! I’m a wife to a talented carpenter, I work part-time as an RN, I’m a mother of three and am originally from Finland. I’ve been in the US since 2000 (at age 8 I informed my parents that when I grow up I’d move to America and marry a black man). Well, my husband is not black but he tans pretty well!  We’ve made our home in the outskirts of Boston and are enjoying the adventures that come with 3 little ones.

I always knew that I would be a mother. It took me longer than I had planned or dreamed of. I thought I’d be married by 21, have kids by 25 and then raise them up when I still had lots of energy. Life doesn’t always go as I plan. I was 30 when I got married, 31 when our first child was born and 32 when the twins came. Talk about not having ‘lots of energy’.

Being a mom came very naturally to me (after all I had planned my whole childhood that when I grow up I’m going have 100 children!). Of course there was physical tiredness but that was expected. I didn’t go out much with three little ones but again that was expected. I didn’t sleep many hours in the first year but it didn’t bother me too much. We still had lots of sex and I still cooked good dinners so my husband was happy. Our lives formed to be very family-oriented and we liked it.

Nathan is now 4, Joshua & Beth just turned 3 yesterday. They are full of energy, from before the sun rises until when we tell them it’s time to go to bed and that reminder is most often greeted with piercing cries of ‘one more game! One more story! One more show!’ It seems that the calmness of the ‘baby time’ has disappeared (you know, how they’d stay where you set them down, how they didn’t protest when you dressed them up, or didn’t throw a fit when the meal was, once again, breast milk or how they didn’t talk back to you and question your every decision). I suspect that they have meetings in the middle of the night on how to outrun us. They seem to take turns in finding ways to get in trouble and test our unconditional love for them (like that time when they made ‘art’ to their playroom walls or the time they cooked dinner in a play kitchen with water from the toilet and flooded the entire basement in the process, twice!). They’re cute and they’re adorable but keeping up with them is so utterly exhausting, in so many levels. I don’t mind the physical tiredness that much but I would give a lot not to have to do (or say) same things over and over again throughout the week (who am I kidding, I repeat myself several times a day!). There’s the regular and mundane stuff that happens at every house; the kitchen with its many visits during the day. The dining room floor is clean only couple hours or so between meals and snacks and tea parties and picnics. There are the strong verbal protests against or lobbying for what we’re eating or not eating (and yes, they all like different things. I pat myself on the back almost daily for deciding to deal with dinnertime protests with simple ‘Sweetie, remember how you don’t always need to like the food we eat? Maybe tomorrow is your turn to like the food. Now go on and finish your plate’). The toys are scattered everywhere despite of my pre-baby plans to keep them in the basement, organized just like they are pictured in the Pottery Barn catalogues (yeah I know, was I naïve or what?). There is setting up for crafts and cleaning up after crafts, there’s bundling up to go outside and coming back in and did I mention the ‘I do it myself’s’? ‘No sweetie, you’re not old enough to slice your own bread quite yet’, ‘wahaaaaaaaaaa wahaaaa’. You’d think she lost a leg or something.

They’re bundles of joy and terror, bound together in such a way that it’s impossible to separate one attribute without getting little of the other in it. We love them, we’re so grateful for the opportunity to parent them but sometimes I wish we could package them up for a day and put them in storage. When I close my eyes I can see the pre-baby neatness of the house, the food that was always warm when we sat down to eat it, the bed that felt oh-so-good to sleep in on weekends, the spontaneous walks we took without having to spend half an hour getting everyone ready … but I don’t hear the little giggles of our daughter as she goes around playing ‘cute princess’, nor do I hear her twin brother reading books in Spanish (how DOES he do it? What happened to Finnish that I speak??) and I don’t hear our oldest ‘fixing’ my beautiful wood furniture and pretending to be ‘just like Daddy’. So I open my eyes and see the destruction and chaos and constant ‘noise’ that is now ever present in our home. Never mind how I sometimes wish it away, it is a sign of LIFE; that I have chosen to believe.

So dear HDYDI readers, what are your coping mechanisms and delusional thinking patterns that help you get through your days?

 

Singled Out: Life as a Red head and Twin Mom

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When I was a child, old ladies would often come up and ask me, “Where did you get your red hair?” Too young to fully understand the complex system of genetics, I went with what I knew. “My uncle!” I would proudly reply, since he was the only redhead in the family that I knew of. So to prevent any unwelcomed invitations to appear on the next episode of Sally Jesse Raphael (Yeah, I’m a product of the 80’s), my mother taught me how to say recessive gene, because neither of my parents were blessed with ginger locks.

Talk to any red head and they will tell you that it is both a blessing and a curse. People will notice if you have red hair and they have some pretty strong opinions. I remember being called Big Red on the bus in middle school, I hated it. There have been times where all I wanted to do was be a wall flower in unfamiliar places, like our trip to Cuba, where men would call out at me on the street. However, over time I have learned to embrace my copper top because it has uniquely shaped my whole life.

I feel like my experience as a red head has been preparing me for the public life as a mother of multiples, beginning with these questions:

“Does red hair run in your family?”

“Is it natural?”

“Better you than me”

“I wish I had red hair….”

“My cousins’ third wife had red hair”

Substitute twins for red hair and you may get a sudden feeling of déjà vu. Both twins and red hair are very rare. Around 2% of the population has red hair. Around 2% of the population are twins. Let’s face it, people are fascinated with things they don’t see all the time and they feel compelled to comment.

I know we all want to get in and out with our multiples without drawing undue attention, especially when they are about to spontaneously self-destruct within five minutes of entering the building, but we need to remember what a blessing we have. Mothers of twins, triplets, quads+ have the unique opportunity of getting to hear a choir of baby giggles and coos on a peaceful morning.

When I am stressed out and I have had a rough day with the babies, that is exactly when I want to go out because I am reminded that I am doing what strangers don’t hesitate to tell me they don’t know how I do. I am loving every minute with my two little genetic rarities, hair color TBD.

What unique experiences have helped to prepare you for being a mother of multiples?

Jamie is a redheaded mother of three lively boys, big brother age 2 and identical twins age 6 months. Check out Jamie’s blog and podcast, The Playdate Crashers. 

Daycare Jitters for Momma

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This September, my 14-month old twin daughters will start daycare. Up until this point, they have been at home with me and/or my husband, or with extended family. I was recently asked back to my previous company and was faced with the big decision of whether or not to “leave” the girls. I tried working full-time when the twins were 6-months old and it ended up being too hectic for us. Though the girls were at home with family, I couldn’t stand leaving before they woke and returning just before they went to bed. After trying to suck it up for a few months, we decided it was best if I stayed home. I loved my time home with the girls but also realize the effects it could have on my career if I was out of the job market for a long period of time. Granted, having twins is a good “excuse” for being out of work but, it’s a tough market out there!

I have worked it out with my employer that I will work one to two days a week from home. The girls will go to daycare just two days a week and my husband can watch them the extra day as he is a Firefighter and his schedule is quirky. We are very lucky in that we will only send them to daycare two days and I will be home two days. Honestly, I don’t think we could afford more than two days a week for each of them. Daycare costs are outrageous!

I have brought them to visit the daycare about three times in the past two weeks so they can adjust to going in and out of the building and so they recognize their teacher and the environment. Each time, the girls immediately leave my side and run (waddle, new walkers!) in to explore and check out the other kids. The first two times they didn’t even look to see if I was there and they cried when I made them leave. Obviously, we have no problem with socialization here. Is it awful that I wish they needed me more??

The third time my husband and I both brought them in and we left the room to work on paperwork. I could see them through the glass and they were playing very well. The instant we went back in to get them, “A” came to me crying and whining and clinging to my legs. Now I know this was all an act but I can’t help but feel guilty! I could see that it had just registered in her clever little brain that she was LEFT THERE! Her little sister (by 1 minute) was oblivious and again threw a fit when we made her leave the other children.

I have already returned to work and the girls are doing great at home with Daddy. They are napping and eating well and greet me with hugs and kisses. Though it seems they adjust well, I have this weight on my shoulders that is growing heavier as next week comes closer. I am dreading dropping them off. Perhaps this is harder on me than it is on them. I am taking solace in the fact that they will have each other; they can look around the room and see a familiar face in their sister.

At least they have each other!

Parents – how do you deal with the anxiety of dropping your children at daycare/school for the first time?

Back to (pre)School Week Roundup

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Thanks to all the bloggers for sharing their posts on our theme of back to (pre)school.  Here’s a summary of what’s been posted over the last couple of weeks:

Is it Labor Day yet?by Goddess in Progress

The GOOD ENOUGH Mother (teaching through example) by Dr. Lisa Mazzio

Daycare passage by Sadia

Lazy Mama Preschool Tips by AmberD

The Preschool Process by Reanbean

Preschool, Food Allergies and IEP’s “OH MY”! by Laraplus2

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes by LeslieH

Preschool at Home with Toddlers by Jen Wood

Prepping for Preschool by Renae

Speech Delays and Multiples by Jenna

I hope you enjoyed the Theme Week.  We’re planning to do more, so please let us know what you’d like to read about it.

Speech Delays and Multiples

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I’ve blogged before about our daughters’ speech delays here and other moms have also shared their experiences.  Speech delays are more common among multiples than single babies.

Here are some of the reasons that may explain the increased frequency of speech issues:

- prematurity

- less one on one attention

- less need for verbal communication because they have developed their own language or they seem able to communicate nonverbally.

It was about this time last year that we began learning about speech delays when our 18 month old girls weren’t yet saying 18 words. (A general guideline is about 18 words by 18 months).  Our girls had some words, quite a few signs and lots of gestures to help the communicate.  The girls had a developmental assessment which was part of a research study.  They were about 4-6 months behind in their expressive communication.

It took a few months to get through the health unit process.  First there was a parent workshop where we learned how to support our children in their speech development.  Then there was a hearing test to rule out hearing difficulties.  Then an assessment with the speech pathologist.  Then the actual speech group sessions began.  Once a month three children, their parent(s), a speech therapist and assistant (and sometimes a student or intern) would meet. The kids would play while the therapist and assistant observed them and offered suggestions for the parents to practice at home. At home we worked on using words and signs to encourage their communication. We used words for things that interested them (food, babies, books, etc) and we used short sentences (1-2 words to start). Our girls quickly went from one word statements, to two words, then to three and four word statements.

We’ve had almost 6 months since our last session, and our girls are due for a follow up assessment.  They have improved significantly, but I still have some concerns about their language development.  Fortunately, from what I’ve read, if you catch speech issues early and provide support, there is less chance they will impact your child’s academic progress when they start school. The sooner they are addressed the better, and in our community there seem to be ongoing supports available for children with speech delays.

If you are concerned about your children’s speech development, there’s more information available from this site: Twin Speech Delay at About.com

Do your multiples have speech delays? What tips do you have to help other parents?

Dragon Phoenix Twins

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“Are they Dragon Phoenix Twins?”  I am asked every day, everywhere, and by everyone around me in Chengdu. “Yes, they are,” I reply.

“Waaaaa” they exclaim with glee, and huge smiles, “You are very lucky. How happy you must be.”

Twins generate as much or dare I say more excitement here in China as anywhere else; in particular, the Dragon / Phoenix (boy/girl) combination. The ancient Chinese emperor was symbolised by a Dragon, and his wife by a Phoenix. And so since boy / girl twins have the honour of being called the Dragon and Phoenix, they are associated with being at the top of the hierarchy, the best outcome possible, and so the highest blessing.

Total strangers seem genuinely happy for me, and always remind me of the gift of having them. They smile, caress the children, and try to carry them. Almost without fail I am told: “how cute, what curly hair, and big eyes they have.”  This line sometimes reminds me of the scene where the wolf pretends he is Little Red Riding Hood’s grandmother.

But I have yet to come across someone who is envious or jealous. This is amazing considering the One-Child Policy in China.

Quite the opposite in fact. People here associate twins with joy and luck to such a degree that almost no one seems to realise that at times raising two same-age babies can be tricky and tiring.

Our ayi (nanny ) once asked, “Isn’t it strange that out of all the people who stop to talk to you and the children, no one ever mentions how much work it must be to take care of them?!” This came up on a day when both L and R were sick and in need of extra attention. My husband was out of town for work.  Our ayi and I were exhausted and had to laugh at that thought.

Only once, a mum playing with her two year old son in the kids area of a neighbouring housing complex asked if I wasn’t exhausted taking care of two. Almost immediately the three mums around us responded for me: “It’s pure joy to have two, and especially if they are a Dragon and a Phoenix.”

Had my Chinese been better, I would have answered myself: True I complain at times because I am tired from lack of sleep, or irritated by L and R’s constant hair pulling, biting, snatching… But man am I happy to have my Dragon and Phoenix.

How would you have answered the mum in the park?

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

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“So are you putting your twins in different classes this year?” This is a question I am often asked (right after “are they identical,” and “do twins run in your family?”) Not only friends or other moms of multiples, but strangers on the street want to know my school plans! At birth, I could never imagine a time where I would want them apart. They were preemies, they were perfect together, they NEEDED each other in a way my singleton did not.

As toddlers, I read every article and sought out all opinions on separating twins at school. I was determined to keep them together: kindergarten is so big, the day is so long, my older daughter was slow to adapt to kindergarten, and I just thought they would benefit from each other’s support in the classroom. Fast forward four years: the boys are more different than they are alike, and while both have strong personalities, one is more outgoing and social, the other longs to be included.

This September, my boys will begin their “4s” year at a small, cooperative preschool in separate classrooms. They were together the previous two years, so this will be a new experience for all of us. However, being apart for the 2.5 hour preschool day will give them an opportunity to establish their own skills, likes and dislikes, and friendships, instead of being thought of as a unit by teachers and friends. Things have changed–as a Mom I have grown to appreciate and celebrate their individualness and want them to learn independence in preparation for elementary school. Their elementary school is big and the principal encourages separation of twins.

In the back of my head, I hold this experience as a test for myself–if this experiment truly bombs and both boys are unhappy, then I will fight tooth and nail to put them together for kindergarten. If one boy is unhappy and the other one is fine, which is one of my fears, I don’t know what I will do. Not to mention my fears for the rest of their education and beyond: what if one has a great teacher, and the other has an okay teacher, and they do not receive the same educational opportunities? Ugh.

This was not an easy change of heart, and my stomach still clinches tight when I think about it. I have come to see how my thoughts of them as “brothers who happened to come out at the same time” impacts all aspects of their lives and putting them in different 4s classes and eventually kindergarten follows this path. Is it the right choice? We will have to wait and see.

So, when are you planning to separate your multiples?

Leslie is a freelance writer and mother to an amazing 7 year old girl and two adventurous 4 year old boys who is counting the minutes until school starts.

Preschool, Food Allergies and IEP's "OH MY"!

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Let me take a moment to introduce myself. My name is Lara and I am a single mother by choice to 3.5 year old twin boys, Clay and Reese. I have been following HDYDI for a couple of years now and I am very excited to be a contributor. I really enjoy blogging but due to my schedule recently my blog has been ignored. I am hoping that writing here will re-ignite my blog writing, the boy’s being in preschool again will also help.

The countdown has begun! As of right now there are 13 days left until preschool starts this year, I can vividly remember one of the back to school commercials with the parents singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year”. We had a taste of it last year from January-June and everyone benefited, but it didn’t come without some work. They attended two 1/2 day sessions a week. This year they are going 4 full days.  We are blessed enough to have a wonderful public school system in a very small community. When my son Reese was aging out of early intervention and still needed services the next place was the public preschool. Initially I was told that only he was going to be admitted mid-year but I put my foot down, insisted that I was not sending one without the other, and suddenly they had spots for both boys. I got that news in September. The boy’s turned 3 years old in December and Reese’s services at that point would be the school’s responsibility. There was a lot of meetings and planning.

In September, I met with the principal, speech therapist, occupational therapist, school nurse, preschool teacher and his current therapist’s, to decide what his “needs” were and if further testing would be required prior to writing his IEP (Individual  Educational Plan).  It was decided that no further testing was needed but that a plan was needed to address his severe peanut allergy in the classroom and seizure disorder. I did my research and came back with a plan in October when we sat down to write the plan.

Thankfully, his peanut allergy is by ingestion only so he can be near peanut products. I was so afraid he was going to be ostracized because of the school’s fears. But a plan was developed that they felt safe with and that I could live with. Of course we need to revisit the plan this year since he will be eating lunch there. As for the seizures, again it was the education of the staff but in this case it was my feeling safe with the plan.

The IEP was like a foreign language to me, luckily a good friend of mine is a special education teacher and reviewed it prior to me signing it. He receives 30 minutes of Speech and OT a week right now, which will be re-evaluated in October.  I have noticed a difference in his speech intelligibility and his confidence. My concerns have now shifted to his emotional regulation, inattentiveness and impulsiveness, all of these will be discussed.

Clay had some trouble adjusting to Reese being pulled for his services, but they were great in the beginning and just let him go also. I have found the structure, activities and time away from home to be very positive for both boys’. With that said it had been a lot of work, letting go and trusting other’s to keep my children safe and just watching them grow up.

The Preschool Process

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The process of searching for a preschool can vary widely depending on where you live. Even out here, in the Greater Boston Area, it varies quite a bit from town to town. Here are just a few tips to help you if you’re in the beginning stages of looking for a preschool.

1. Find Out When You Need To Begin Your Search: We live roughly 20 miles from Boston and needed to begin our preschool search process last October (almost one full year before Tiny and Buba would officially begin!). I suppose, technically, we could have waited until winter or even spring, but several school we were looking at had late fall application deadlines. However, just 10-15 miles further north, many friends of ours were able to register easily the spring before their children would enter the school. Sometimes it depends on the area, and sometimes it depends on the schools. So, it just helps to know ahead of time what you’re dealing with.

2. Know What You Want: If you live in an area where you have a lot of options, it can be tremendously helpful to know what type of school/program you want for your children. Do you need all day or do you only want half day? Would you like a morning program where you have the option to have your children stay through lunchtime or even the full afternoon? Do you prefer to have classes grouped by age or do you like the idea of multi-age classes? How many days a week would you like your kids to go? Would you like a program that is primarily play-based, or would you rather have a program that will focus more on academic skills. And how far are you willing to travel? Would you prefer a school closer to home, or, perhaps, closer to work? These are just some of the questions that you can answer ahead of time that may help you narrow down your search.

3. Know What You Can Spend (But Don’t Be Afraid to Ask for Discounts or Aid): I’m not sure what it’s like in other parts of the country, but out here, preschool can be quite costly. (I was shocked to learn, while visiting family this summer, that preschool for 4 year olds is FREE in Iowa! Anyone else have a deal like that?) Knowing how much you can spend, or how much you’re willing to spend, can also be an important piece of information when deciding which schools to look at. However, some schools offer sibling discounts, alternate payment plans, and/or financial aid. Not all schools publish these possibilities on their websites or in their literature, so don’t be afraid to ask. You may be surprised by how willing a director might be to work out a plan that allows your children to attend the school.

4. Talk To Other Parents, But Trust Your Gut: Talking to other parents whose children are already in a preschool you’re considering for your own children can be very helpful. They may be able to talk more specifically about things, such as how the teachers operate their classrooms, how well the staff communicates with parents, and what they personally like about the school. However, your friend may love a school for her own kids that you feel is not the best fit for your own children. Trust your gut and do what you know is the right thing for your own family.

What advice do you give to friends who are beginning to look at preschools for their kids? Not ready for looking yet- what further questions do you have about the preschool search process?