Ask the Readers: Speaking Up

What do you do when you observe an uninformed parent putting her child in danger?

No one likes unsolicited advice, especially when it comes to parenting. Strict routines work for some families, and not for others. Breastfeeding works for some mother-child pairs, and not for others. Discipline comes in as many flavours as there are children in the world.

However, there are times that it’s difficult, perhaps even immoral, to stay quiet.

My husband and I recently observed a young mother picking her child up by the head. Her thumbs under the baby’s ears, her pinkies at the base of his neck, she lifted his entire body to kiss him gently on the forehead. His body swung from the neck. To us, this screamed of possible cumulative spinal injury. We communicated our concerns to the mother. Her response was, “I don’t see the problem. I do this all the time.” We found some documents on spinal injuries in babies and gave them to her, although nowhere were we able to find a clear directive forbidding this sort of lift.

We may have very well destroyed our relationship with this mom, whose son we adore, but we couldn’t have lived with ourselves if we didn’t say something.

What would you have done?

Heartful

Thanksgiving is time to count our blessings. My heart is full of the gifts all my children have given me. I am especially thankful to have been given the gift of multiples. Having two kids at one time has stretched our family in new ways that we have never thought possible. I will fully admit–and friends will agree–that I was a not myself during the newborn days with twins an a three-year-old. But as the kids get older and relationships change, I am able to look back with pride and nostalgia for all that we have accomplished together, growing as a family, as well as look forward to fun years ahead.

In the book, “One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are,” author Ann Voskamp encourages readers to look beyond the day to day grind of lives and to keep a counting of our blessings. These three children have given my husband and I so much to be thankful for–my heart is full. A recent counting of my families’ blessings include:
The ability to walk my older daughter and her friends to and from school. Pickups that become huge playdates with friends and their siblings

Legos and polly pockets and imagination games that all three can play

Loving the old dog

 

Boys and dog in the stroller

 

Halloween and Holidays. Busy-ness and slowing down. Time flies

The ability to stay at home these beginning years and trying every day to remember to enjoy each minute

Wanting, needing, demanding time with Daddy, especially when it involves hitting golf balls or hammering nails

Kids Meetings (where they scurry away to have discussions and usually involve filched treats like potato chips or candy). I try to be mad because I think I *should* but it is just so cute!

“Mommy, I need to be outside, or I’m just going to die!” My nature-centric kids

That twins and an older sibling play together, love each other, need their time together without Mom or Dad interfering

 

From our family to yours, wishing you a heartful Thanksgiving Season.

Leslie H. is freelance writer and mom to a spunky seven-year-old and rambunctious four-year-old twin boys.

Thankful

Happy Thanksgiving to readers in the US!

I have a lot to be thankful for today. My husband is home, and with troops being withdrawn from Iraq, I’m pretty sure he won’t be going back there, although Afghanistan is in his future. My sister is here in the US with her spitfire son, 20 months old. He is my daughters’ only first cousin, and this is their first meeting. No Christmas present could ever beat this gift of time with my loved ones, seeing my girls as amazed (and, I’ll admin, annoyed) by a younger kid following them around as I was by my sister.

My daughter J made the observation that she felt sad for her cousin, because he’d have no brothers or sisters to play with when he returned home. My husband reminded her that most kids are born solo, and many of them don’t have a big brother or sister waiting for them. “We’re lucky!” said J. “We’re lucky to be twins and Oskar and Abel are lucky too!” (Abel and Oskar are Tracey‘s identical four-year-old sons.)

They are lucky to be twins.

I, too, am lucky that our girls are twins. I tend towards perfectionism, and often take responsibility for things that have nothing to do with me. I suspect that if I had had a singleton, I would have considered every success, every milestone, and every personality trait a reflection of my parenting. My mum certainly felt that way about me, and later about my sister.

Instead, I was given the gift of identical twins who are altogether unique, despite sharing DNA, schooling, their home environment, and most experiences. From the start, my daughters showed me that they were people in their own right, and not reflections of my parenting decisions alone.

My twins gave me the gift of perspective, and for that I am most thankful. From the very start, I tried to become the right parent for each of them, rather than trying to turn them into my ideal children. I have seen many of my parent peers agonize over where they’ve gone “wrong,” trying to understand why one child has a speech delay or another is biting her friends. I have also seen parents congratulate themselves for their children’s brilliance in math or unusual athleticism. I am thankful that my girls are who they are. M’s chatterbox nature is hers, and is not because of anything my husband or I did particularly right or wrong. J’s generosity is also her own.

I am thankful to my twins for helping me see them as people in their own right, instead of as reflections of my husband and me.

Skipping Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a struggle in my family. Actually, as much as I want to be one of those “family dinner” moms, I have to admit that getting everyone to sit down and eat is one of the worst parts of my day. My kids try hard, but they are so excited to chat with each other, they have ideas, they bounce up and down to write notes, get toys, giggle and tell jokes that there isn’t a whole lot of eating. I have to put on my “mean mommy” voice just to get enough dinner into them so they are not hungry later. And this is all ten times worse when my husband makes it home for dinner–they are so excited to see him that they can’t concentrate. Remember, my twins are four and my older one is seven, and yes I am appalled just writing this!

Living in the D.C. metropolitan area, with family along the I-95 corridor, the thought of slugging through Thanksgiving traffic to a sit down meal is exhausting–especially with kids who can’t just sit and eat. I am aware of the whole purpose of the holiday–passing on tradition, visiting family, teaching manners and values. However, our whole meal will be filled with cajoling the kids to sit down, try your food, no you can’t get up yet. Two hours of cooking will be over in 20 minutes and I usually end up with a bad taste in my mouth. I don’t want my kids to grow up thinking Thanksgiving is the holiday full of food they don’t like; where they have to sit still and eat without fuss. That’s no fun.

 

A hike with Big Sister leading the way, as always

So this year we’ve given ourselves permission to take the holiday “off”. We plan to be tourists in our own city–swapping museums and monuments for Macy’s parades and football games. I will cook the usual Thanksgiving foods the day before and have a casual meal of leftovers after the kids go to bed, exhausted after seeing the sites. This plan sounds relaxing and more along the lines of our family’s values–having fun, active, learning experiences together. Yes, we are still reading Thanksgiving books, doing turkey crafts, making the requisite Native American feather headband, and hopefully my kids will learn that Thanksgiving is a fun day for our family no matter how we celebrate it.

How do you celebrate Thanksgiving with multiples?

Leslie H. is a freelance writer and mom to a spunky seven-year-old girl and adventurous four-year-old twin boys.

A Week of Giving Thanks

Since (American) Thanksgiving is celebrated this week, I thought it would be a good time to have a theme week celebrating the blessings that come with having multiples. Please share your blessings with us this week, too.

I know many bloggers are writing about what they are thankful for this month, so I’m offering you the first part of my list of 30 Blessing I’ve Received From My Twins

  1. Two lovely daughters
  2. Lots of kisses and cuddles for me
  3. Watching how my 2.5 year old daughters care about and look out for each other
  4. A constant reminder to be aware of what makes each person unique
  5. The opportunity to reflect on my parenting decisions and how they reflect my values
  6. Becoming part of a community of parents of multiples online and in person
  7. Plenty of requests for reading stories
  8. Seeing how easily children adapt to multiples.  They are way less concerned about how they were conceived, or which ones is older than their parents.
  9. Lessons in patience and perspective
  10. Only having to narrow our name choices down to the top two
  11. Lots of helpers in the kitchen
  12. A constant reminder to look at people when I talk to them
  13. A son who enjoys “the sister” and “the other sister” even though he can’t tell them apart.  He wants to have 2 more baby sisters (but I think we’ve got our hands full).
  14. Opportunities to be an advocate for my children and to demonstrate through my actions that their uniqueness as individuals and as multiples is important
  15. Lots of great stories to share

Night Duty, Again!

After having our first son potty trained in just 3 days (at 25 months) and never having an accident I was boasting my chest ruffles pretty loudly whenever potty training came up with family and friends. Call it denial or positive thinking I was convinced that there would be no problems with the twins either. They turned 25 months and then 30mo and still had absolutely no interest in letting go of their comfy and warm diapers that I dragged from the store every month on my back bent over doubly (why I never heard of ‘Amazon Mom’ is beyond my understanding. That thing there saved us so many $ and so much time&trouble I wish I had heard of it when the twins were first born). I started potty training with them several times just to realize that it was of no use when they’d pee in the toilet and then 15 minutes later finish emptying their bladder on the carpet in the basement. Too much stress, too much work and who really cares if they don’t get potty trained at all until they’re 12?

Throughout the past spring Joshua had been watching his big brother use the toilet with some interest.  He then started to tell us that he needed to ‘potty’ at diaper change. We’d take him to the bathroom and he’d often pee and we’d do the clapping and cart wheeling and confetti and he would beam of pride. Then he’d start telling us he needs to ‘potty’ before he wet his diaper. This went on for about 2 months before I realized that the boy is ready to say good buy to diapers .. or so I thought.

Joshua does not like change. Last winter his shoes were 2 sizes too small before I got him to wear the bigger pair without a full blast tantrum. I was never able to introduce his new winter hat, that’ll have to wait ‘till this winter.  I don’t know why I thought he’d let go of his diapers without a fight. We did the whole ‘big boys wear underwear’, ‘look at Daddy, he’s got underwear’ speech. We bought underwear with his favorite colors and animals and trucks and you name it. We promised candy and toys and moon from the sky and yet he was not seeing the light.

Until one day when he wanted to be ‘like Nathan’. I’m not entirely sure what happened but he’s been fine since. As long as we call his underwear pull ups.

His sister on the other hand was a tougher one to train and according to my husband that shouldn’t come as a surprise considering who her mother is. She took her sweet time and had accidents, refused to go until it was too late and then she’d cry hysterically that she didn’t mean to pee on the floor but had to go so bad …

But that’s not what I wanted to write about, really. I wanted to tell you that I am living a phase of regret. I am no longer able to sleep through the night as I was used to for sometime. I now have three children unable to pee in their pull-ups but yet too young to hold the pee in all night … so that leaves me to get up at least once per kid per night, on a good night. There are nights when I am up more than when they were infants. And I’m not liking this. I know that ‘this too shall pass’ and pretty soon they are big enough to use the bathroom alone in the middle of the night. Until then I’ll be in night duty. Once again.

Did you feel like your workload increased when your kids potty trained? How did you help them figure out bathroom at night?

 

Best Friends

There’s no denying the special bond that my twins share. Tiny and Buba are extremely close (as I’d hoped they’d be) and love each other dearly. Sure, they fight- sometimes quite a bit- but when it’s over, it’s over. Life goes on and they’re more than happy to snuggle together and read books or make up a new game to play. They started playing together at an early age- before most of their singleton friends were ready or interested in playing with either of them- and I have no doubt in my mind, that at the age of 3.5, they are each other’s best friend.

But over the summer, while we were attending group playdates with the kids who are now their preschool classmates, Tiny began to make new friends. Now, almost three months into the school year, Tiny has two other good friends who she looks forward to seeing at school and who look forward to seeing her. Buba has very little interest in playing with these kids. He has told me more than once that he has been sad at school because he wants to play with Tiny, and just Tiny. As Tiny’s friendship with her two new friends has grown, Buba has had more and more weepy days at preschool.

However, his teachers report that he is well liked by his classmates. Buba enjoys singing and drumming and acting silly, which his classmates love and think is hilarious. He seems to get a lot of laughs and attention when he’s singing new, silly words to familiar tunes (something we’ve been doing at home for a long time), but has yet to make a real friendship sort of connection with any of his classmates.

In general, I’m not too worried about this. I know that preschoolers will all develop socially in their own way and time. But it does break my heart a little bit to hear that he’s been feeling sad at school. I’m sure if he were a singleton, he wouldn’t care about other kids playing together while he played alone or parallel to other children. But watching his sister, his best friend, go off and play with others is not so easy to dismiss.

I wish there was something I could do to help him through this. I’ve asked if he’d like to invite a friend from school to have a playdate at our house, but at this point, he’s not really interested. Hopefully, as the year goes on, he will form some new friendships of his own. He may not be the kind of kid who wants to be everybody’s friend, and that’s okay. I just hope he can find a way to be happy in those moments where Tiny is off doing her own thing.

*reanbean is a mostly stay at home mom to g/b twins, Tiny and Buba, who also works very part-time as a private tutor. She blogs about their lives as often as possible at: http://www.reanbean.com/.

**The above photo was taken by a mom at Tiny and Buba’s preschool and shows Tiny holding Buba’s hand during circle time on the rug.

from hospital ankle bracelets to sports jersey numbers

I’ve written a little before about my efforts to help the boys’ teachers and friends tell them apart. I’m happy to report that their teacher, by mid-October, had found some tiny freckle on one boy’s face that he can use to tell them apart. Their friends still have no idea and arbitrarily call them by one name or the other.

But now, let’s talk about sports!

like the scarlet letter, but white

My boys played tee ball last spring, and their coaches learned which boy wore which pair of shoes so they could call them by name. Yes, their coaches were that awesome, because both sets of shoes are mostly grey and black, and just have tiny bits that are green or red.

They played flag football this summer, and that was trickier. For one thing, black cleats were pretty standard. For another, it’s not like tee ball where the kids are mostly coached one by one, or assigned a spot. The boys had big numbers on the backs of their jerseys, but from the front it was anyone’s guess.

To help the coaches (and everyone), I took to putting an X in surgical tape on one boy’s shirt. I felt so weird about this — first because I was afraid he wouldn’t like it, but he didn’t mind. But I still felt like I was branding him in some odd way. I also felt like maybe I was making a bigger deal out of this than it needed to be.

It turned out to be a good thing. Their coaches were great about remembering which boy got the X (the one who has an X in his name, which made it easier) and my boys benefited from being called by name. And I have to admit, I relied on that X to keep track of who was where from the sidelines. It saved me from a lot of, “YAY! GREAT JOB– (who was that?) – GREAT JOB, um, SON!”

When your look-alike multiples are in uniforms, what strategies do you use to help other people tell them apart?
Jen is a work-from-home mom of 7-year-old twin boys, and two girls ages 5 and 9. She also blogs at Minivan MacGyver, where she freaks out about every single thing that happens at school.

Fighting the Urge to Compare

I am not one of the twin moms who shuns the idea that my kids are a unit. They were born together and I regularly refer to them as “the boys on my blog and quite often in real life. I figure if I had two boys of different ages I would likely shorthand it to “the boys” anyway. I have dressed them either alike or similar since they were born because it’s cute and it’s easy. I think the fact they were born together is incredibly cool and should be celebrated. Yes, they need to be individuals, but since they are fraternal twins there hasn’t really been an issue with individuality. They are so different in temperament and personality and have been since before they were born. They also look different. One has always had more hair. One struggled with weight gain. One had horrible reflux. When I was pregnant, there was the active one and when they were born the bald one, the pukey one, the small one. As they have grown they have taken turns being the clingy one, the needy one, the cuddly one.

The fact of our situation is that there are two children of the same age and developmental station living in our home. If one is doing something the other isn’t, it’s difficult to not compare. Sure, one had to walk first, right? But when it was the same one crawling first, then walking first, then climbing and running first, it made the other seem to be falling behind. When one was saying words and the other was only grunting, we doubled our efforts to help the one we viewed as struggling. (All the while both were well within the expected range for those skills.)

Now they just reached their second birthday and had their 2-year checkup. In the past 6 months we have seen our littlest guy who struggled to gain weight (who was born 1 ounce heavier but by one-month was a full pound smaller) get not just a little bigger, but much bigger than his brother. Suddenly people are asking how far apart they are in age, since there is now a 3 inch and 4 lb. difference in size. I admit was scared to go to the appointment because while I knew one had really grown over the summer (He went through 3 shoes sizes since May!) and the other hadn’t.  was terrified we’d learn he hadn’t grown at all, or worse yet, he would have lost weight. I was afraid the doctor would question why he isn’t growing, why he hadn’t gained weight. I was questioning my own parenting, were we doing enough to make sure he’s eating the right foods? Should we be doing more? Was he really not growing, or was his brother just growing faster so it seemed that he was staying the same size? If we had only one kid that age would we have even noticed his slow-down in growth? Would we notice that he is wearing the same shoes he’s had since Spring is his brother hadn’t gone though so many pairs by now?

I dreaded that appointment for a month.  The good news is that he did gain weight, and height, though admittedly not much. He’s always been on the low end of the percentile chart, but he’s on the chart and his line is moving in the right direction. He’s healthy and happy. He’s just small. The doctor wasn’t concerned about his size or weight. She has a much better perspective of seeing them as two different kids, just two more patients that happen to share a birthday. I was relived to know he did gain some weight. And he did grow a little. I was even more relived that the doctor was fine with his checkup and deemed him healthy.

It’s hard not to notice he’s smaller than his brother. It’s hard to not compare. I have a friend whose twins are 2 months younger, who once told me she always worries about her kids whenever we get all four of ours together because her kids aren’t doing the same things mine are doing. I tried to reassure her that she shouldn’t compare our kids since 2 months at this age is a big difference. In another year they’ll have gained all those milestones and all be about the same skill-wise. Of course, this doesn’t mean I don’t do the same thing with my own kids. Why is that one doing such and such and the other isn’t? Am I doing enough to make sure one doesn’t fall behind? Maybe the hallmark of a good parent is to worry about these things, after all, I want the very best for my kids equally. How do other parents fight the urge to compare?

Jen Wood is a former computer geek turned stay-at-home-mom to amazing, vastly different and newly minted 2-year-old twin boys. You can follow the daily adventures of our family as we navigate the crazy road of twin toddlerhood, home preschooling and attempt to raise happy, well-adjusted citizens at goteamwood.com.

Our Speech Therapy Journey(s)

M has successfully completed two programs with a speech therapist, and we’re considering having her evaluated again. Twin sister J joined her for the second of those programs, and also benefitted greatly. Watching both my daughters work their way through speech therapy has taught me a few new things, and convinced me all the more of others.

  • There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
  • Follow your gut.
  • It never hurts to get a second opinion.
  • Some lessons are more likely to stick if they come from someone other than a child’s parent.
  • Things are often more complicated than they appear.
  • There is such a thing as knowing too much about something.

The first time we visited a speech therapist was at the recommendation of the family pediatrician. When M was nearly 3 years old, I became concerned about how slowly she ate. I once timed her spending 17 minutes chewing a single piece of meat, and finally had her spit it out. The pediatrician suggested that she had dysphagia, or trouble swallowing. I had imagined that a couple of degrees in linguistics gave me a basic understanding of what speech therapists do, but I was wrong. Speech therapists deal with all sorts of oral motor issues, including problems with chewing or swallowing.

It turned out that M had never quite figured out how to use her tongue to effectively move food around in her mouth as she chewed. Because of that, foods that required chewing would cause her to choke. After six sessions of feeding therapy with an amazing speech therapist and a lot of reinforcement at home and daycare, she could eat successfully. Meals became enjoyable again. It’s been over 2 years, and we haven’t seen any backsliding. In fact, M enjoys food so much now that she plans to open a restaurant when she grows up. Bonus: military medical insurance covered 100% of speech therapy session costs.

It was during feeding therapy that the therapist raised a concern that M might have articulation delays. It had never occurred to me that there was anything off in her speech, since the child talked incessantly and no one who knew her—I, her teachers, or our neighbours—had any trouble understanding her. I thought her pronunciation of yellow as “lellow” was darling, rather than worrisome. The linguist in me had always ignored the nagging doubts, knowing full well that there was variation in the timing of pronunciation mastery, but there should be no cause for alarm as long as the order of acquisition were being followed.

When my husband returned from Iraq and need me or J to translate for him so that he could understand M, it was clearly time to revisit the speech therapist. My MA in theoretical linguistics hadn’t taught me as much about the practicalities of language development as I’d thought. The practice we’d been to for feeding therapy no longer took our insurance, so we had to find a new therapist. We had both girls, now 3 months shy of turning 4, evaluated at the new practice. They ended up being evaluated by different therapists, and we learned how incredibly subjective these evaluations can be.

J was determined to be 2 standard deviations above the norm for her age when it came to grammar, vocabulary and comprehension, but 2 standard deviations below the norm for articulation, the production of mature speech sounds. She sounded more like a child just turned 3 than one soon to be 4. M, on the other hand, was evaluated only for articulation, and declared to be just dandy. These results didn’t ring true for us. M was, to our ears, far less clear in her speech than J. My husband insisted that M be reevaluated, this time by the therapist who had seen J. When the office staff let us know that they were concerned that insurance might not pay for a second evaluation, we offered to pay out of pocket. Insurance did end up covering it, though. The second set of results was more in line with our expectations. Although J’s need for speech therapy was a judgment call, M definitely needed it. Where the first evaluation had her placed her in the 43rd percentile, the reevaluation placed her in the 2nd percentile for articulation.

Since their delays were along the same continuum, the therapist offered to work both twins together in weekly sessions. The sessions were great fun for the girls. The therapist pulled out board games, and let them each take a turn after they completed a pronunciation exercise. She focused on making them aware of how the sounds coming out of their mouths were different than hers. Soon enough, they could say ‘sh’ and ‘v’ easily. It was extraordinary to see how those two sounds alone helped with others’ comprehension of their endless chatter.

After 3 months, both the girls graduated from speech therapy. All J had left to master were ‘l’ and ‘r’, and the speech therapist didn’t think those needed to be rushed. M had a lisp to work on too, but we were comfortable with the exercises she needed to do at home to help with that. We should keep an eye on the girls, she told us, and consider revisiting a speech therapist if they didn’t appear to be making any headway after a while.

My husband and I think that we’ve given it long enough, and both girls’ ‘r’s are still very baby-like. At this point, speech evaluations are often conducted through the school district, so we need to ask both their classroom teachers what they think of their speech before we go hunting for yet another speech therapist.

If you’re curious about what precisely goes on in a speech therapist’s office, feel free to peruse the detailed tales of feeding therapy and speech therapy sessions on my personal blog.

Sadia and her 5-year-old girls, M and J, do their talking, lisps and all, in El Paso, TX, much to the exhaustion of her soldier husband. They try not to talk while eating, but it’s tough when there’s so much to say. They are happy to report that chewing challenges are no longer to blame for the length of conversations around the dinner table.