Discipline and Love

“Why are you acting like you love J and not me?” my 5-year-old M asked me this morning, her voice full of tears.

That was quite the knife through the heart. Within minutes of learning that there were two little people growing in my womb, I had promised myself two things: I would never play favourites, and I would treat our children as individuals.

I wasn’t playing favourites today, of course. M would be allowed to snuggle up against me with her blankie too, once she’d served her well-earned 5 minutes in time out.

Here’s what led up to this moment:

We had a small quantity of chocolate milk in the fridge, a spring break treat. I had split it evenly between two cups, and offered them to the girls to tide them over while I prepared breakfast. J took a cup from me and downed the milk in one swallow, while M tensed every muscle in her body before wailing, “But I wanted that cup!”

I offered her the other cup. I offered to pour her milk into the cup J had just emptied. She didn’t want milk at all, she informed me, because J had the cup she wanted. This sort of interaction was par for the course at age 3, but not now. Instead of having the milk go to waste, I offered it to J. That was when M started pummeling me with her fists. Instant orders to time out prompted her accusation of my not seeming to love her.

M has been having some major self control issues all week. It’s been a stressful time for the whole family. J is more in touch with her emotions than the majority of adults I know, including me, so she’s been weathering this period unbelievably well. M, on the other hand, is either unaware of what’s really bothering her or unwilling to talk about it. I sat her down with crayons and paper yesterday, and drawing seemed to help some, but she has a way to go.

While she has a legitimate reason to be generally upset, this doesn’t excuse rudeness or hitting. She’s a month shy of turning 6, and we’ve been working with both girls on a variety of tools to help them maintain their composure and handle their emotions since they were 2. Deep breathing, playing with water in the sink, and taking some alone time with a book or toy are standard ways that both J and M deal with overflowing anger to make their way to a productive solution.

She finally calmed down. I explained to M that it was because I loved her that I took the time to help her behave like a grownup. If I didn’t love her, I wouldn’t care how she behaved. Surprisingly enough, she accepted that response.

A little later, M asked to play a game on my iPad. I told her that I wanted to let her play, but the fact that she wasn’t controlling her body well made me worry that she would break the thing. That cued another tantrum and time out. Once she returned, I told her that if she went 3 hours without a tantrum, I would have enough confidence in her self-control to let her play a game. Classic bribery, I know, but we work with what we have.

She made it 45 minutes until the next tantrum hit. She begged me to lower the bar. A tantrum-free hour should be enough, she thought. I do not negotiate with tantrum-throwers, so I held my ground.

It was afternoon before she asked if it had been 3 hours; I’d been head down in work and hadn’t thought about her request for the iPad game. I realized that she’d been playing nicely with J for 5 hours, blowing bubbles in the yard and inhabiting up an elaborate make-believe world that involved pirates and restaurant owners.

It wasn’t until I sat down to write this post that I noticed how M had worded her pain to me. (I jotted the sentence down immediately for use in this post.) She had asked me why I was acting like I loved J more. She didn’t actually accuse me of not loving them equally. Even in her deepest frustration with me, she was confident in the content and equal partition of my love, even if she didn’t like how I expressed it.

I think M’s going to be all right. We’ll get through this. I just need to take my deep breaths, play in the water, and take some alone time every now and then.

What’s your approach to fairness in parenting? How do you balance the needs of multiple children?

Sadia telecommutes from El Paso, TX to her job in Austin and is thankful that her 5-year-old identical twins can entertain one another 8 hours a day.

6 thoughts on “Discipline and Love

  1. Great post. I thought that was pretty wonderful that M said ‘acting’. She’s an advanced one, uh?
    I think parenting multiple children, twins or not, brings challenges. Right now I notice that our oldest (5) notices the ‘unfair’ treatment that his siblings (3,5) receive. It’s difficult to try to get him to realize that it’s not ‘unfair’ per se, more like ‘age appropriate’. Over the last week or so this has gotten better so maybe as he matures he won’t comment on everything and I’ll feel less quilt over it. I have tried to minimize the true ‘rules’ so that I can stay consistent with the few between all three of them. Because unfortunately children have amazing memories when it comes to being fair with them.

  2. My own children have never seemed to have an issue with this topic (not yet, anyway), but as a kindergarten teacher I ran into this issue all the time. However, it seemed that whenever I explained to the class that I am not trying to give everyone the SAME thing, but instead am making sure that everyone gets what they NEED they seemed to get it. One child NEEDS alone time at their own table to get their work done. Another NEEDS to earn good behavior tickets throughout the day in order to be successful. But most of them just needed to sit at the regular table with all the other kids in order to have a good day. I found that 5 years olds are very understanding and compassionate people.

  3. My littles are too little to notice or care about unequal treatment at only 6 months old, but I f ind myself worrying about this already. I feel like I need to parent them differently because they have different needs. My little guy just seems to need his mama more, so he gets more of my time. My baby girl has no problem spending time with Daddy or playing on her own, so it isn’t a big deal right now, but I’m not sure how I’ll handle it when they’re bigger and can notice these things.

  4. This post really spoke to me, not as much because of the fairness thing (which is just starting to kick in with my boys, 4 and 2), but from hearing that I’m not the only one with kid(s) that have trouble dealing with emotions. I love some of your ideas for calming down too–deep breaths, a book. My oldest is wonderful some days, and others he just can’t figure out how to handle his emotions and it’s like an all-day battle. Thanks for writing this, and it sounds like you’re doing a great job! I think people sometimes see discipline and love as opposite ends of the spectrum, but if you love your kid, discipline is part of that. You seem to get that here!

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