Monthly Archives: September 2012

Sneak Previews at School

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My twin daughters M and J are in different classrooms at elementary school. Their teachers collaborate a lot, so the girls tend to cover the same course material at the same time, and are actually taught together–along with the other set of identical twins in their classes–for Language Arts.

When it comes to art, physical education, and music, though, the girls’ classes are on different schedules. They have different music teachers and learn different songs in music class while learning the same musical concepts.

Yesterday, M told me, she knew all the answers in music class. She “cheated” (her word) because J had told her all about her music class the day before. She earned a sticker for being about to explain the difference between beat and rhythm. M told the teacher that she had an unfair advantage because J had told her everything already, and the teacher didn’t seem to think much of it.

I can imagine that J’s music teacher might be pleased that J took away enough from class to want to and be able to share her new knowledge with a peer. However, I don’t want either of my daughters to be deprived of the joy of discovery in the classroom. I don’t want them to have an unfair advantage over their peers, either, from the early access to classroom material having a twin provides. When the time comes, I want them to choose to avoid previews of test questions, for instance, that would allow them to game the system. J and M are only 6 years old now, but I can only imagine that the next 6 years will rush by me just as fast as the last 6 did.

At the recommendation of some friends, I think I will talk to both girls about holding back from spilling the beans on new knowledge in the classroom until Sissy has had a chance to have the same experience with her teacher. Of course, I want them to feel like they can talk to each other, especially if they find schoolwork engaging. Some of my most effective learning in school came from discussing classroom material with my friends and getting their insights and perspectives.

How would you approach the matter of exposure to common course material at different times with your multiples? Has this come up?

Sadia’s identical twin daughters, J and M, attend dual language Spanish-English first grade in Central Texas. They have the same homework assignments, but get to choose 3 of 7 possible homework exercises each week per language, which keeps things interesting. They are lucky to have art and music at their school, in this age of funding cuts.

Pure Love

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My 6-year-old daughter, J, had something important to tell me on our drive to school last week.

Mommy, M is the importantest person in my life. I love you and Daddy and Grammy and Grampy, but I love Sissy the most. If she died I would be so sad. I don’t want her to ever get cancer and die. (Note: Two close friends lost their dogs to cancer in the last year, and it hit J hard.) She is the importantest person because I love her and she is funny and we play together and we were born together. I never want to be away from her and I love her.

I used to wonder if my daughters knew what an exceptional gift it was to have a twin sister. Now I know.

Sadia is a single mother of 6-year-old monozygotic twins, J and M. She lives and works as an IT professional in the Austin, TX area.

Self-Categorization

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When I started writing for HDYDI, I knew where I fit among the other authors. I’m a mom of identical girl twins, school-age ones at that, which places them at the older end of the HDYDI spectrum. I parent in an excessively intellectual fashion, I know, and figured that I could share with you the neuroses that come from over-thinking matters of parenting. I felt that I was representative of multi-cultural families of multiples, and could bring the perspective of a military wife and working mother, as well as that of a foreigner in the US and one raising her children in a religion other than her own.

I now find myself in a new category, one I never imagined I would be: a newly single mom.

My divorce was a clean and quick one. My ex-husband and I continue to put the well-being of our children first. Learning to co-parent in light of the loss of all the other aspects of our relationship has been, I confess, rocky at times. Still, despite some moments where my pain gets the best of me, I know that my ex-husband wants the best for our children. I know it couldn’t have been easy for him to see me move them back to the Austin, TX area with me following the divorce; he remains a 9-hour drive away in El Paso. As I explained to my mother to give her an idea of distances involved, that’s twice the distance between London and Paris. Still, he has been nothing but supportive of my decision to return to the community J, M and I still consider home.

So, hello everyone. My name is Sadia and I’m a divorced mother of twins. I’ll be writing about co-parenting at a distance with a former spouse, and how it differs from long-distance co-parenting within a marriage.

Activity

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When my daughters participated in a soccer—I prefer to call it football—program that came to their daycare centre, I was the proud mother of children who played soccer. Now that we have entered the Age of Activities, I am a bona fide soccer mom, shuttling M and J to soccer practice and games. Well, I would shuttle them to games if I could find the elusive soccer field, which I did not do this past Saturday. That was a rather epic soccer mom failure on my part. The coach assures me it will be okay as I long as I get them to their second match.

My overachieving 6-year-olds are also taking piano lessons after school, which thankfully requires no driving on my part. The group lessons are held at their school. They continue to take dance lessons, ballet and tap this year, in contrast to last year’s ballet and jazz dance. The dance school is within walking distance of my house, so driving the girls is optional, although accompanying them is not.

When J came home with a note from school about Girl Scouts last week and begged to join, my immediate reaction was to yell, “Are you kidding me?” but I suppressed that response.

J has her moments, certainly, but she has been nothing but helpful when it comes to getting to her activities. She packs her bag when appropriate, gets dressed without a fuss, and even lets me put her hair into a ponytail for soccer and dance. I know she would much rather wear a headband, but she understands the need to pull her hair out of her face. The only time she’s made us late for something, it was because she had an unanticipated bathroom crisis.

M, on the other hand, has been angry a lot recently, for reasons I’ll get into another day. She hasn’t been quite as cooperative as I would like her to be. On Saturday morning, for instance, she flailed her arms and legs and screamed that she hated me because, in my efforts to help her into her soccer uniform, I had allowed her shorts to touch her belly button for the briefest instant. I confess that after that, being unable to find the soccer game sent me calling my mother-in-law in tears, sitting in my car with the girls in an empty parking lot next to where I thought the game was to be.

My mother-in-law told me that like me, she loved M, but was well aware that her temper can get the better of her. She warned me not to let the consequences of M’s decisions negatively impact J. Her advice firmed up an idea I’d been playing with.

Tonight, at the Girl Scout roundup hosted at our school, I signed J up for Girl Scouts. I didn’t sign M up. I told M that, if she could get ready for dance, soccer and piano without a fuss through the end of the month, we would revisit her participation in Girl Scouts. For now, I thought she had as many activities as she could handle. She needed to handle them well before we could consider adding any more.

M was a little disappointed, but handled this consequence of her actions with grace. She repeated back to me the terms under which she could join the Girl Scouts. Clearly, Mommy and Grammy’s point had made an impression. We’ll see whether that impression lasts.

For years, I have been careful to treat my girls equally, trying to evenly divide my time, my attention, treats, punishments and all the little things that go into a child’s life. The fact is, though, that they’re different people, with different personalities and different incentives. While I don’t intend to let go of the ideal of equality any time soon, I also need to take a more nuanced approach to parenting than one-size-fits-both.

How do you handle it when your children have differing discipline needs?

Sadia is habitually late to soccer practice and other activities in Central Texas, where her 6-year-old identical twin daughters run her ragged. She escapes the soccer mom treadmill to her job as a business analyst.

A look into our past

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I recently came upon a letter I had written to the good people at the hospital that helped bring Beth and Joshua into this world. It brought back such memories of what our lives used to be like with two babies and a toddler. I miss those days! I was delighted to read the way I described both of them. For one I felt pride that I was able to think of so many differences in the sleep deprived state that I must’ve been when I wrote the letter. Secondly, I could still describe them in very similar ways (tho Beth’s cheeks have mostly disappeared). My only regret is that I did not write a letter like that every few months. How fun it would’ve been to look back on those and share them with the kids when they’re older. I guess I could start now ..

But here it is, for you to read. It is dated December 31st, 2008

Happy New Year!
I know I promised an update of the babies by the end of the year ..just didn’t think I’d be cutting this close. Nevertheless I’m sure you’re happy to hear that they’re doing great. I can’t believe they’re already 4 months! It seems like time goes by so much faster the second time around you have a baby ..or maybe I’m just busier this time around and don’t have the opportunity to focus on their every accomplishment?
Joshua is a great sleeper!! I was totally prepared not to sleep well for the first 6 months (since that’s how it was with Nathan) but he was about 2.5months when he started sleeping 6hrs/night. Now he often times sleeps for 8hrs without eating (and I have one engorged breast in the morning). He loves to linger on the breast for as long as possible. And every single time (no matter how long it has been) he’s heartbroken when he has to unlatch. Beth on the other hand is very efficient and quick feeder. She also likes to nurse during night at least twice. She used to be the one who easily slept in until 9am while Joshua got up early and watched Nathan and I play. 2 weeks ago they switched parts. They also seem to have gone from being on a similar awake/sleep rhythm to completely opposite during last week. While I enjoy having more time with them individually I hope they get back on track soon. I usually tandem nurse them once or twice a day to try to set them ‘right’ but sometimes it doesn’t work. ..Joshua’s heart murmur is gone. Beth spits up SO much, all the time. Joshua is very relaxed and easy going. He smiles so big it makes us cry. He’s absolutely adorable (and we still consider him our most beautiful child). Beth is more social and seems happiest when she is part of ‘something’. She likes to be held facing the action, being carried around and being played with. Joshua is the opposite. He loves to curl up in a tiny ball in our arms and make him self ‘invisible’ in the hopes that we’ll ‘forget’ about him and never put him down. In the morning when we pick Beth up she immediately starts babbling and gesturing with her hands like she’s wanting to catch up from where we left off the night before. Just adorable! Her smile comes easily and is super cute, partly because her mouth is so tiny and she’s got big cheeks!
I think they are developing just fine even if they seem to be behind Nathan by quite a few weeks. And Joshua seems younger than Beth in many regards. But they are adorable!! And they are a lot of work!! Sometimes we’re not sure in which order!! We ‘specially love the times when they seem to cry for no apparent reason ☺ They feed off of each other. And it’s even more fun when Nathan freaks out and starts crying too. There have been couple times when I join them. But mostly they are a lot of fun.
My carpal tunnel is still bothering me and I seem to have muscle atrophy from it. I’ll be seeing a doctor about it in January. Completely suck ☹ but it could be much worse, at least I can change diapers now without loosing all the feeling in them … the endless amounts that we go through every day! So that’s about it. Thank you for the roles you played in getting the babies safely to this world. We are trying to do our very best in raising them.
Wishing you a wonderful year of 2009!

What kind of memories do you have from when the babies were young? Did you write down their milestones or is it all a blur? (I recently had to fill out paperwork about their development and drew a complete blank on too many questions .. felt like an awesome mom).

Hanna and her husband live around Boston with their still ‘adorable and lot of work’ 4 yr old twins and 5 yr old big brother. And they still think they’re mostly fun!