- Due to nursing, you’ve had more nip-slips than Tara Reid.
- You’re constantly being followed. You have your own tiny paparazzi, and if you have teens they WILL photograph you on their phones at the worst possible moments of your life.
- Someone else is always trying to do your hair and makeup.
- People are always judging you and giving you unwanted advice. Let Miley smoke her weed, let Lindsey steal jewelry, and let me feed my kids chocolate for breakfast! It’s none of your darn business.
- There’s a different person in your bed every night. Sometimes another one (or two) by morning.
- People vie for your attention and break out in fits of jealousy over your affection. Forget autographs. They want your soul!! (LESSON- always give the same amount of food, snacks, juice, milk, hugs, kisses, Christmas presents, and snuggles!)
- Your house should be on an episode of Cribs (because you have so many).
- You have real scare-the-bleep-out-of-you stalkers that will stand by your bed quietly staring at you until you wake up fearing for your life.
- You are constantly being watched like you’re a patient at the Betty Ford Clinic. You can’t shower, poop, or brush your teeth alone. Not because you’re on suicide watch or you might chug down the Listerine, but because to them you’re just that fascinating!
- People are obsessed with your body. ( I know, gross, right?) They want to see every inch of it and want to analyze what they see. They ask a million questions. “Are those your boobs? Is ALL of that your butt? Why is hair there? What is that bump? What is that crease? What is that dent?? Will I get that? Will I have those?”
- You don’t have an actual ‘job’ yet you’re busier than everyone you know. Maybe your days aren’t filled with fashion shows and charity lunch appearances, but some days you actually wish YOU could wear the diapers to save time.
- You’re an embarrassment to your family. This isn’t because of a sex tape and drug abuse, but more due to your mom jeans, ‘I didn’t have time to brush my teeth’ breath, and showing them love in public. You’ve been called ‘that’ mom.
- You have your own fragrance (though I doubt anyone would buy mine). Think bleach/bacon/pee (not mine!)/ pancake batter/Desitin/sweat-socks. Awesome, right?
- You go half the time without a bra, and when you do wear one people ask if you’ve had ‘work done’.
- You stay up until wee hours at the ‘club’. (And by club I mean reading a book from your reading group’s list that doesn’t rhyme or teach phonics.)
- You have others do your shopping, or do it at odd hours so you’re not seen in public.
- You always make a grand entrance because you’re definitely late and you have an entourage.
- You think you can sing beautifully and deserve a recording contract. (Although I don’t believe anyone would buy a CD of me belting out Disney and Laurie Berkner songs in my Suburban. But hey, Kim K sold her record, so it could happen, right??)
- You’re the most talented (in your mind) person in the world!! Bring on the party planning, cake making, soccer coaching, costume sewing, toilet scrubbing, and butt wiping! You can do anything! You’re Super Mom!! (Riiiight….and Paris Hilton can act….). But I really do feel like a bad-ass when I get ANYTHING accomplished.
- You are the most important person in the world!!! Not because you’re a regular on TMZ and people copy even your bad habits, but because to those people you’ve created, you’re everything. You’re their meal making, scrape kissing, tear drying, closet monster slaying, homework checking, bubble beard creating, constant chauffeuring, fort building best friend. That’s right, you’re a bad-ass.
You’re a mama.
Sundy is Super Mom to four amazing kids, including a teenager, a toddler, and 1-year-old twins.