(This post was submitted anonymously.)
When you are trying to get pregnant (and constantly failing), you live your life in 2 week cycles. You run through a series of emotions from positive to negative to numb. Here is an outline of what I went through every two weeks:
- Day 1: start of the cycle
- Day 3: have an ultrasound to see if the follicles have collapsed and if I have any “large” or “huge” cysts remaining (cysts are normal during the cycle, but at the start of the next cycle, they should be gone)
- Day 3-7 (PM): take Clomid and watch out for HORRIBLE mood swings, forgetfulness, tiredness, soreness, and overall self-pity
Week 1 emotions: hope, excitement, wishing, positivity that this WILL be the month I get my BFP!
- Day 10: start checking for ovulation
Week 2 emotions: anxiety, worry, fear of another missed cycle. Will I miss ovulation? Will there be stress again that prevents me from implanting? Is everything right? Will we be in the 20% success this month, or will we be one of the 80% negatives?
Second 2 Weeks
After ovulating, then comes the official 2 Week Wait. Wait to see if I get my period (no pregnancy) or I get the amazing pee-on-a-stick BFP (“Big Fat Positive”).
Week 3 emotions: I think we got it this time. I think it’s working. Oh, there’s a cramp! I think that was implantation! Can I implant this soon/this late? Oh, my temperature dropped slightly. I think that’s my implantation dip. Oh my gosh, when will I start to feel these pregnancy symptoms? I am cramping SO much! This has to be a good sign that Baby is making room in my uterus for itself.
Week 4 emotions: It didn’t happen. It couldn’t have happened. Another month gone, another month not pregnant. I’m sure my temperature is going to drop. Not good. Not good. This stinks.
Week 4 is a particularly tough week, as all of the symptoms of early pregnancy are also the exact same ones as when you start your period. So, along with the hope comes the complete devastation.
You look up every little twinge and cramp online. You get really good at pinpointing where you feel the movement, cramp, pain, pinprick, flutter. You use vocabulary words you never thought you would know, because you have to be very specific about the way you describe everything.
And then, you become even more confused, because for every case of a woman having the same matching symptom as you and being pregnant, there are an equal number of cases where the woman is not pregnant.
This post is part of Infertility Tales 2014, How Do You Do It?‘s series to raise awareness about infertility and its impact on families. Please take a moment to read through some of the personal stories of loss, pain, fertility treatments, and success.