Infertility isn't easy to leave behind, even as motherhood takes precedence.

Infertility: It Still Affects Me

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Categories Fertility, Guilt, Infertility, Infertility Theme Week, Parenting, Theme Week

(This post was submitted anonymously.)

I’ve run the race, and I have not one, but TWO t-shirts to prove it.

I traveled the path of infertility. It was long. It was hard. But I have my twin girls to show for it. I am so very, very lucky.

My girls color my world with love and joy, the depths of which I never could have imagined.

Infertility should be a thing of my past then, right? A chapter I closed, to focus on the happily ever after.

It’s not, though.

Infertility isn't easy to leave behind, even as motherhood takes precedence.

I always said I wanted two children, and that’s precisely what I got…two brilliantly amazing children, whom I love more than life. I could not be happier.

Why, then, do I wince a little when I see a glowing mother-to-be?

Why do I switch to the other side of the mall, to avoid walking past the maternity store?

Why does it sting to hear about the “oopsie” babies…the declarations of “we want a big family”?

Why can’t I bring myself to read the “how do you know if you’re ‘done’” posts?

Infertility still affects me.

I know it will always be a part of who I am, and I hope it at least makes me a more compassionate person. But the pangs of wanting I feel? They are isolating, and they come with a lot of guilt.

Why can’t I just be happy with what I have, content with the gifts I was {finally} given?

I am. I am so very happy. And I can’t imagine feeling more content than I do, walking hand in hand with my girls down the street, or snuggling with them on either side of me, reading books.

Had I been able to have my two children by conventional means, would I still feel this way? I don’t know.

I don’t know the answers. I just know how it feels. I hope I can one day move past the rawness of the emotions.


Infertility TalesThis post is part of Infertility Tales 2014, How Do You Do It?‘s series to raise awareness about infertility and its impact on families. Please take a moment to read through some of the personal stories of loss, pain, fertility treatments, and success.

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Sadia

Sadia (rhymes with Nadia) has been coordinating How Do You Do It? since late 2012. She is the divorced mother of 10-year-old monozygotic twins, M and J. They live in the Austin, TX suburbs, where Sadia works full time in information technology. She contributes to a number of parenting websites and magazines and also runs The Mommy Blogging Guide, where she answers mommy bloggers' technical questions.

4 thoughts on “Infertility: It Still Affects Me”

  1. Thank you for this courageous post. I have thankfully not had fertility struggles, but my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. All through my twin pregnancy, I was seized with fear – I had to work really hard to live with my fear of the past and not let it crowd the present. I did have two healthy, wonderful boys whom I love beyond my wildest dreams. But when I see a pregnant woman, especially with a first pregnancy, I still feel jealous. I think there is something about the experience of spontaneous, uncomplicated pregnancy that I have mythologized. Maybe the brave face that woman is putting out is masking some inner worry. Maybe there is someone looking at me and feeling envious too.

  2. Rebecca, you make such a strong point…a reminder to all of us, no matter the situation, that we can never know the path someone else has walked.

  3. I love this article… I think certain things we go through in life just stay with us. I also believe what we do with them makes all the difference, and your sharing is a great thing! My infertility is a big part of my journey, but more so, the premature birth of my triplets and the loss of one of them. I think that I’d want to get pregnant again just to experience a third trimester, a ‘normal pregnancy’, etc. But, there are no guarantees, and I think knowing where those feelings come from is such a milestone for anyone feeling them. It’s the first step towards ‘better’.

  4. My twins are one now and I love them them more than anything in the world. But I too cringe every time I see a pregnant woman or a friend of mine tells me that they are pregnant. I am truly happy for them, but so jealous also. I am glad to see that I am not the only one who feels this way. We had to seek help to get pregnant through invitro. I will never be able to have anymore children because of the cost and it breaks my heart.

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