I read some of the other quad momma bloggers out there, and they are truly super moms.
Or they lie.
Or they don’t blog about the hard stuff.
OK, that’s not entirely true either, over at Littlest Lesnaus, Krista had a blog not to long ago about struggling and finding life difficult.
This past week we had two doctor’s appointments, a PT appointment for Alyssa, and Infant Development twice. School break was coming up for our 4 year old. I haven’t been sleeping well at all. Not because of babies. I just can’t sleep. Greg had a rough day, then I had a major meltdown.
No, maybe three times.
OK, if we’re being honest, perhaps it was a lot of times.
Yup. It has finally hit us.
We have many visitors in our home… yet life is lonely.
If I hear “oh I don’t know how you do it”, “I couldn’t do it”, “wow you’re organized”, “your babies are always sleeping”, “everything is under control”, I think I might just lose it.
Maybe I have lost it already.
This week maybe I’ll trash the house and screw the schedule.
Friday was a terrible terrible day. So I checked out of my life Saturday afternoon. I really did. I left home, and said someone else can deal with it.
And you know, sometimes I wonder if Gods sense of humor is messed up.
Really messed up. No joke this truly happened:
Friday afternoon my sister-in-law said that I could go to their place in Newmarket as they were coming to visit anyways so I’d have the place to myself. Awesome. Friday night, all four babies got sick. No big deal, lots of people around to help.
Saturday morning I got sick.
No big deal, right?
Saturday afternoon, I drove to Newmarket, spenr lots of time in tears, hating the world, not understanding life, but I told myself to buck up and get it together. Sunday morning I thought I’d go out for breakfast. Car wouldn’t start.
No big deal, I’ll use sister in laws car and deal with mine later.
Drive to Timmie’s, and roll down window. I get my breakfast. Window won’t go back up. Awesome.
No big deal. After about a half hour the stupid thing went back up.
Go back to parking lot, then decide, “You know, maybe church is where I should be.”
Drive to church. The pastor speaks, and his first point was how God is the perfect parent. Are you kidding me?! Go back to house, call CAA, dude #1 couldn’t get it to start, he calls dude #2 who gets it to start and says, “You better drive straight home. Who knows if it will start again before you get there?” How relaxing is that?
The stupid thing is, the whole time I was away I didn’t read, I didn’t catch up on anything, I didn’t shop.
I laid around and worried about home. About life. About my oldest daughter. About not spending time with each kid. About the friends that used to call. About the family who doesn’t come. About the people who say “call me anytime” but never answer. About a church that I no longer feel a part of. About the people I thought were friends that have ignored us completely. About the friends that I’ve helped when they’ve needed it. About the big things. About the stupid little things.
Worked myself into quite the downward spiral.
The more I thought about it the worse it became.
I know there people who care. I do.
I am SO thankful for our parents.
I am beyond grateful for our regular helpers. For the 13 members of the community. For the 6 people from our church. I am thankful for the occasional helpers who come when they can. For my faithful meal makers. For my fellow mommas who do find time to check in. For our nanny who has been incredibly flexible and loves our kids like her own.
It’s just so flippin’ hard.
Since writing this post back in March, some things have changed:
- I have stopped pumping every 3 hours, and have gone to just 5 times a day.
- I have scheduled life so that at least once a week I have some time to myself.
- I have admitted that perhaps I cannot handle everything on my own. In March, I quietly began taking the prescription Zoloft. As much as I hate to admit it, it has helped. While I don’t think I was depressed, I definitely could not find the “off” switch. I would lay awake worrying about things and stressing over daily unimportant things. I would put on a face and say that everything was OK, even though it wasn’t. I had begun to read more into things people said, and that really wasn’t like me.
So all that to say, “Life is hard, but sometimes we make things harder on ourselves.”
MrsLubby is a mommy of four cute 6 month old fraternal quadruplets and a 4 1/2 year old, trying desperately to find a balance.