1500: A Milestone

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One thousand five hundred.

This is the 1500th post here on How Do You Do It?. Did the MoM bloggers who came together 6 years ago imagine that we’d have 1500 posts here today? I don’t know. I know they couldn’t have possibly imagined that we’d have an active presence on Pinterest or a vibrant community on Facebook.

How Do You Do It? has just published its 1500th post.

I don’t think that the founding members of HDYDI imagined that this blog would continue after they all moved on to other things, but it has. I certainly expect it to do so once my time here has come to an end.

There have been a lot of inspiring and insightful writers here over the years, 71 by my count, not including guest posters.

What really makes HDYDI a community, though, is its readership. New mothers of multiples have stumbled across it in a quest for others who understand their exhaustion and feelings of inadequacy. Expectant mothers who’ve just discovered they’re having more than one baby have sought out HDYDI in an attempt to understand what they’re in for. Parents of older multiples have come by trying to figure out what to do about classroom placement. Thousands of those moms have become regular readers. Hundreds have commented, sharing their own wisdom, recommendations, and perspectives. And a few have become writers here, giving HDYDI an identity of its own as individual writers come and go.

I thought about sharing a list of our best posts here, but how do you choose a favourite child? Instead, here are some that happen to stand out to me today:

Here’s to you, the supportive, accepting and creative HDYDI community, and to 1500 more posts over the years to come.

What would you like to see covered on HDYDI?

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Reunited

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I got the best news in a long time today. A college friend’s twin boys were reunited at 2 months old. Her second NICU baby got to come home from the hospital, 7 weeks after his brother.

In the middle of the joy I felt for my friend, though, I felt an upwelling of the sadness, anger and helplessness that tainted the joy of my own babies’ release from the hospital, over 5 years ago. Homecoming is one of the ways that the NICU experience can differ for parents of premature multiples in comparison to preemie singletons. Many twins and triplets are released from the hospital simultaneously, but many are not.

Our daughters were born 7 weeks early, but had few problems apart from their small size. J had a hole in her heart, which eventually resolved itself, and M had a facial cleft that turned out not even to require surgery. Neither of these conditions required hospitalization, so they were textbook “feeder growers,” newborns who were hospitalized until they had fattened up enough to maintain their own body temperature and had the strength to suck enough nutrition to keep them healthy.

Our girls didn’t need any assistance breathing; they’ve been verbal and long-winded since the start. They were keep in warm isolettes, and fed a mixture of high calorie formula and my breast milk through feeding tubes inserted through their noses and threaded into their stomachs. Every three hours came a diaper change, weighing, blood sugar measurement, temperature measurement and feeding. We watched every number as they rose and fell, and I promised myself I would take notes when they got home so as not to double feed one baby and starve the other. J and M were cared for by the same nurse, so their schedules were offset by 15 minutes. One benefit to having NICU babies was that they were on a clockwork schedule by the time they came home.

There were 3 criteria to be met, we were told, before the girls could come home. They had to weigh 5 lbs (2.25 kg), be able to maintain their own body temperature, and take 8 meals in a row by mouth, drinking at least 31 mls of formula/breast milk each time. Every now and then, when J asks for her “warmed up milk, please,” at breakfast or dinner, I wonder at the way she guzzles 8 oz of milk down and think back to the days I tried to get her drink 1 oz by force of will alone.

We wanted all the girls’ energy to go to growing at first. Somewhere in the first week, I think, they were introduced to doll-sized bottles. It took a few tries to get them to suck, first 1 ml, then 3, more and more each meal. They finally made it up to 31 mls at a time, but couldn’t keep it up two meals in a row. It was just too much work.

M couldn’t finish her bottle at every feeding, but she made an effort. Once, I was even allowed to let her suckle at my breast, although the nurses took her away before she exhausted herself. J was less predictable. She’d suck like a champ and then suddenly get distracted, seemingly more interested in playing with the bottle than drinking from it. Two weeks in, she broke our hearts by refusing two meals in a row and being put back on her feeding tube. It was the only time I saw my husband so upset that he couldn’t stay in the NICU to monitor every last detail of our babies’ care. A friend took him out for a beer.

When our girls were 2 weeks old, the hospital staff pronounced them to be the healthiest babies in the NICU. They could afford to be downgraded to a less fancy-schmancy NICU within the same hospital network. We talked it through and agreed to free up their beds. However, when the paperwork arrived, we were asked to sign a waiver releasing both the hospitals and the ambulance service of responsibility for the babies during their transport. There was no way we were signing that, so the girls stayed put.

Two days later, M was ready to come home. She hadn’t quite made the weight cutoff, but they couldn’t see any reason she wouldn’t be just fine at home. She passed the carseat test, and home we went.

mcominghomealone

J was still on her feeding tube. I felt more torn as a mother of twins in that moment than I ever did before or since. I was celebrating the health of one of my daughters, but leaving the other alone at the hospital, without even her sister with her. My husband was away for an army training exercise, and I was still recovering from my C-section. Fortunately, my father-in-law was able to stay for 3 weeks, and drove us the 30 miles to the hospital every day so that I could deliver breast milk and steal a few moments with J. I couldn’t stay too long, though, since M was in her carseat in the hospital parking garage with Grampy.

After 5 long, agonizing days, J was ready to come home. It finally felt like my life as a parent could start. My friend just ended 48 days of that waiting, and I hope that her heart can finally begin to heal.

Did you get to bring your babies home at the same time?

Sadia’s daughters, M and J, are still short for their nearly 6 years, but Sadia is short for her nearly 33, so it works out nicely. They guzzle milk, grow, and keep each other busy in El Paso, TX.

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But they're the same age, so they should be doing the same things

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When you have two (or more) babies who are the same age, it can be hard not to compare them.  For the first 9 months of their lives our girls were very similar in temperament.  There were a few differences, but generally the behaved very much alike.  And, just when we thought we had a way to tell them apart like one was more active than the other or one slept more than the other, they would switch.

Around 9 months, one of our girls figured out how to move.  Slowly at first, then faster and more deliberately.  It took almost two months before her sister started moving; she was content to stay in one place.  I didn’t really consider this difference in their desire to move – I don’t think it had to do with ability as much as motivation – as a problem.

At their one year check up, the pediatrician mentioned that both girls seemed to be on the slower end of the developmental spectrum for gross motor skills (standing, walking, etc).  He said he wasn’t concerned because all children develop at their own speed, but he wanted to see them again in 3 months to follow up. Again, I wasn’t too concerned.  Their big brother didn’t start walking until 16 months.

Since that appointment about 6 weeks ago, one of the girls (the first to move) has become much more active. She can roll over, get from lying down to sitting, pulls herself up to standing, sits down from standing and walks holding on to furniture or a hand.  She’s clearly getting more active, and I’m sure she’ll be where the pediatrician expects her to be by the next appointment.

Her sister is learning things more slowly. Just this week, she figured out how to go from lying down to sitting.  She’ll stand leaning on the furniture, if you can get her in position. When she’s had enough, she’ll fuss until you sit her back down.  I’m not as confident she’ll have achieved the milestones as soon.

It is hard to look at both girls and not compare them.  It takes patience to help them both at their own pace, to celebrate their achievements as they come. But I try to remember that a year from now being a few weeks apart in learning to stand up won’t really matter.  One isn’t ahead and one isn’t behind; they are both learning as they are ready. This is a lesson we’ll all have to keep learning. And the sooner I learn it, the more I can help them and support them as they grow. I’m sure they will face people who expect them to have the same abilities and interests, and that’s when they’ll need to count on their family to affirm they are each unique and valuable as individuals so they can help other realize it too.

How do you encourage your multiples when they are learning at different speeds?  Do you have any ways to remind yourself not to compare them?

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