Balancing Work, Home, and Mommy Guilt

Working fulltime with two little ones at home is proving more difficult than expected. It’s been 8 months now since returning to work after extended leave, and I thought we had it all figured out. One thing we didn’t factor in was how busy and challenging my job had become in two years.

We’re doing everything right, or so it seems. Mr. Mama and I take turns cooking and we have someone coming in to clean the house twice a month. Mr. Mama does most of the daycare pickups and dropoffs while I help him get the kids out of the house. We tag team during mealtimes, bathtime and bedtime. We even have extra help from the Grandparents once a week and on the weekends.

Our morning routine is consistent. I usually wake up first to get ready for work and make breakfast. Then I get Little Mister and Little Missy, chang them and start on breakfast while Mr. Mama gets ready. In the evenings, I’m home 10 minutes before the twins which is enough time to warm up dinner. Then follows bathtime and an early bed.

Other things I do to save time and energy: pack my lunch 2 days ahead, write down daily priorities at work, write up weekly “To Do” list at home, set out the twins clothes for the week and set out my clothes for the week. Despite all that, we never see the neighbours, let alone our friends, and barely have time to catch up on the rest of the life.

As another twin mom put it, every day is organized chaos. I know this is for a short time only because the kids are so young. But that’s the sad part! Every day they seem to grow an inch and learn things at an exponential rate. And I’m too tired right now to enjoy it. That, my friends, is mommy-guilt. How do you manage yours?

Ambereen, mom to 2 year old B/G twins, is constantly striving to find some form of balance between all the aspects of their busy lives. Read more on her personal blog.

Medium and Happy

(Leila and Rahul are turning 2 in a few days. They are doing very well, happy and healthy, other than a cold they have been fighting for the last week.  I would like to share something I wrote when they turned one-and-a-half.)

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Rahul and Leila have come a long way since their birth at 31 weeks gestation. At 18 months they have caught up with other children their age physically, emotionally and developmentally.

Leila recently jumped from the 5th to the 10th percentile in weight, and Rahul is steady at the 10th.  In height they are both at the 50th percentile. All in all, according to the charts (which might be slightly different that the US standard ones?), they are light weight children of average height. Not that it means much anymore. Last month I met a five month old baby who weighed as much as Leila. At their NICU there was a baby born at 24 weeks, much tinier than them. Now however, when I see them play amongst toddlers their own age, they merge right in, size-wise as well as ability-wise.

Since they were born a couple of months early it was normal, even necessary to closely monitor their weight gain. Thankfully we have had no serious problems since they left the NICU. They are both running, playing, and talking a lot. They are full of energy.

It’s time for me to let go of the obsessive monitoring. They need a break from being scrutinized and compared. They inevitably get a lot of it just for being twins. They don’t need any more, and especially not from me. In the big picture a little delay here or there is not a big deal. I have noticed that they are eating a little more than before, sleeping a little bit better, and enjoying each other.

I have found that comparing healthy babies growth and development is useless, and even silly. We all do it though. It’s natural. Parents often compare how soon their babies sit up, crawl, start sprouting teeth, walk, and talk in relation to others. Discussing these things with other mums and dads is important, especially for first time parents. It is necessary to follow-up on certain milestone achievements. If a real problem is caught soon enough it could be addressed more effectively.

There is a wide range of normal. I can see that just by having two babies. Leila crawled by 7 months, Rahul started after 9. They both had issues with digestion in the NICU. They digest differently. R has a strong reflux, Leila a poor appetite. Now L eats all the time and R eats only when he can feed himself! They both got their first teeth around the same time. According to Dr. Sear’s “The Baby Book”, when teeth come out is a genetic trait. Speech seems to be a big “issue”, and especially when there is more than one language spoken. We have 3 languages around us, and so far they are both saying words in all.

My brother didn’t speak until he was 2. My grandmother forced my parents to see doctors about this. Neither did he eat. What a catastrophe. My parents were easy-going enough to let him be. When he was ready he spoke and when he was hungry he ate. Now he talks a lot, and eats a lot. He is a professional sportsman, and a big guy. My brother-in-law spoke “late”, but apparently when he did it was in full grammatically correct sentences!

When asked, I usually responded to questions about my children’s age, weight, birth order etc. And then I asked similar questions back. Sometimes I even initiated such dialogues. I knew it was silly, but I needed to hear that Leila and Rahul are smaller than others to validate their experience of early birth, as well as mine being their primary care-giver. It has not been easy with their tiny milk feeds. After birth they wouldn’t drink more than 1 to 3 ml of milk at a time. By 1 year R could take 120ml. But because of his reflux he had to stop and burp every 30 ml. Each feed was drink, burp, drink, burp…  Leila woke up every 2 to 3 hours to drink at night, and still does. Most babies around us sleep through the night and eat comfortably. I couldn’t help comparing.

I was listening to a studio talk by Richard Freeman, an inspiring senior Ashtanga teacher the other day. I am paraphrasing what I understood from it. He said as soon as we realise that our Asana posture is medium, that it could look better, and it could also look worse, there is a release. The pressure dissolves and the breathing starts. It is no longer about having the perfect posture. It is more intrinsic and personal. That’s when the suffering stops and the practice can deepen.

The same goes for size. As soon as we can acknowledge that we are medium, that we could be taller or shorter, fatter or thinner, there is a release. We can move on and think about other things. I once told a close friend that her son was tall. “No” she responded, “he is average height.” Her honesty struck me.

Rahul and Leila are changing all the time, as I am. When I am around them I want to be actually present. I want to encourage them to have fun, and to laugh. They have enough time to follow curriculae and perform in the future. We can all stack 4 blocks and order rings according to size. It makes no difference to me if they can do it now, or in a few months. They are full of love and energy and that is what really matters. I want them to be Medium and Happy.

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Natasha lives in Chengdu, China with her husband Maher. She is mum of  twins Leila and Rahul, and was an Ashtanga Yoga teacher until her little yogis became the teachers. You can find more of her thoughts and stories at Our Little Yogis.

 

Yet An Other 'Secret' Language

When I was expecting our first child I didn’t really read that many books about expecting and giving birth but one thing I was interested in was language development in children, especially when they were raised in a multilingual home. You see, I was born and raised in Finland, the winner of Newsweek’s 2010 best country to live in. I was going to be speaking Finnish to our children and my wonderfully totally American husband, who after 6 years of marriage knows about 10 words in Finnish, was going to use English.

I was not surprised to read that multilingual boys were the slowest to develop speech. Nor was I surprised when I read that the major cause of baby/toddler frustration, manifested in tantrums that are now way too familiar to me, is the inability to make their thoughts and desires known. I was hoping that somehow there was a way to bypass all this.

I had heard of ‘baby signs’ and properly ordered a book before our first was born. I read it but wasn’t that thrilled. The book was full of signs but it was dry to read and I had no time to study the signs well enough so pretty soon it found its permanent place in a box ‘somewhere out of sight’. Then my SIL let me borrow couple of their Signing Time DVD’s. What a great concept! (You should totally check them out, if you haven’t already.) Suddenly I was exposed to this wonderful new language in a way that was so much fun to learn, both for me and the kids.

Nathan was 10 months when we started watching the DVD’s. It was fascinating to watch him pick up signs so excitedly and effortlessly and then to see him use those signs. I’d offer him a banana and instead of throwing a fit he’d sign ‘grapes’, at the end of the meal, instead of sending his plate and cup flying through the room and adding several minutes to my clean up job, he’d sign ‘all done’. Beth and Joshua got an early start at the precious age of 2 months. When making dinner I’d place them in their bouncy seats in front of TV and all kids happily watched while I cooked.

Out of everyone in the family I believe that Joshua has benefited most from learning American Sign Language (ASL). Ever since being the reason why I ended up with unexpectedly early c-section he’s been our ‘special’ child. He would throw tantrums over anything and everything. He couldn’t figure out sequences (like, first you need to get dressed then you can go outside), he wanted to be held at all times, loud noise would send him over the edge and he didn’t seem to register what we said unless it was signed as well. So sign we did. I borrowed all available ST DVD’s from library, requested them to order the ones they didn’t have, kept them over due and paid enough in fees that it would’ve been cheaper to buy them to our selves from the beginning. But as we all learned more signs, there were fewer tantrums from Joshua and the flow of our days changed from ‘very challenging’ to ‘almost normal’. Quickly signing became his first line of understandable communication and he was rather proficient in it. (He has since learned how to speak clearly and is more than able to make his needs and opinions and desires know .. all too well!)

I noticed that the children started to sign when playing together. First very simple signs but then adding them together to form sentences ‘like pink shoes’, ‘train goes fast’, ‘let’s pretend we’re animals’. They were very good at identifying their feelings and communicating them with us early on, I believe because they associated the signs with (otherwise rather abstract concept of) emotions.

Beth and Joshua turned 3 end of last month. We still sign. I realized at one point that it would be a disservice not to continue with ASL since they already know so many signs. I signed them up for deaf/hearing children’s playgroup and I am taking classes as well. I hope that as they grow and realize that not everyone in the playground uses their hands to communicate they continue to use ASL, because you never know where life leads you and how many opportunities for friendships they might find in the deaf community in years to come. And one day, it could be their other ‘secret’ language. That is if they ever start speaking Finnish. Right now they seem content with understanding Finnish, speaking English and signing back to me. But I won’t loose hope. They just might prove to be more gifted in the area of language than their otherwise pretty awesome Daddy.

So dear HDYDI readers, are you raising your brood in a multilingual home? What challenges have you faced? What benefits are you seeing?  Have you thought about signing?  How are you dealing with potential speech delays/behavior issues with your children?

Making the Bed Transition

Hello, I’m Meredith and this is my first post on HDYDI. My twins, Elizabeth and David, are 16 months old. I consider myself quite the Twin Momma (capital TM) and have all the shirts and coffee mugs to show it off. When it comes to my kids though, I acknowledge I have two very different children that happen to have been born at the same time.

I am a major planner and the thing that has been on my mind lately is planning the kids’ transition out of the crib and into a bed. I know I am still a little early since they are only 16 months old but as I said, I am a planner. I struggle because I also need to separate their bedrooms. Part of it is that they are boy/girl but the bigger part is that the bedrooms are so small in our house, I do not think I can fit two twin size beds into one room.

The logistic side of me says when they are ready to leave the crib and move to a big bed just move their rooms then. I was thinking we take a weekend where the kids can stay at Grandma’s and my husband and I can play musical rooms. Then the kids can be totally surprised and excited about each having their own room with their own stuff and it will be lots of fun.

Then the motherly side of me kicked in. No longer in the safety of their crib, no longer in a room with their sibling, and poor David will be in a completely different room. I worry that it would be a huge shock to their little bodies and no one will sleep for months (I can’t go through that again!).

So far, the best thing I thought of is when the time comes, still take that weekend, play musical rooms but keep one crib in each room. That way each room will contain one twin size bed and one crib. My hope is that that will let them deal with the transition of being apart and get used to their new rooms while still having the comfort (and confinement) of their cribs. Let them be in that arrangement for a few weeks and then start to use the twin bed.

What did you do to transition your children from the crib to the big bed?
Did you separate their rooms?
How old were they when you made these transitions?

Back 2 the Future: Child-proofing

Griff Thena Phe recliner3 121605
“Child-proofing” is a term that gives me a good hearty chuckle, like “potty trained.” We child-proofed the heck out of our house when we were expecting the twins. Magnetic locks on all the cabinets, with the magnet stored up high. Gates at the top and bottom of the stairs. Locks on all the door handles, outlet covers out the wazoo, chemicals stored up high (except personal lubricant)… The kids had the run of the living room, kitchen, dining room and hallway, but couldn’t get anywhere else.

That was perfect, until the twins learned to walk.

From: me
Date: 12/20/05 21:09:12
To: NorthernWarrenCountyOhioFreecycle@yahoogroups.com
Subject: [Freecycle] ISO baby gates PLEASE!!!

Please, for the love of all that is sacred, if you have a spare baby gate, would you consider giving or loaning it to me?

I have 16-month-old twins and I just cleaned the kitchen trash off the floor for the 9th time today. This is AFTER I taped the lid shut. They just used their twin powers for evil and lifted the lid right off.

We have two gates but they are on the top and bottom of the stairs. I never would have dreamed we’d need to gate them out of every part of the house. Silly me.

So please, I am nearly in tears because they think they are hilarious but I can’t take this anymore! If you have a gate you aren’t using I PROMISE I will return it to you if you can loan it to me. Or maybe I can trade you for something. We just don’t have any $ for gates until at least the new year, and even then… Gates are crazy-expensive.

Thank you in advance!

[Note: The twins thinking they are hilarious frequently coincides with me nearly being in tears. That hasn’t changed in the last four years.]

This post resulted in an intimidating fencing system cobbled together from various semi-broken baby gates. On the plus side, the boys were finally confined to the living room and hallway and were no longer free to roam and plunder the garbage. Sadly, my 3-year-old had to be able to predict her need to urinate in enough time to press the release button – which only sometimes worked – on the hall gate blocking the babies from the kitchen/dining room/bathroom. And my blog is named “Diagnosis: Urine,” so we all know how that worked out for me.

Any good “child-proofing” stories in your past?

Jen is the married work-from-home mother of 7-year-old Miss A, 5-year-old boys G and P, and 3-year-old Haney Jane. She also blogs at Diagnosis: Urine.

Field trips

When my kids were infants, I often felt like I was missing out on baby things that my friends with one infant did. They often met at the movie theater for Mommy & Baby movies. Hahaha. I was so not going to be able to do that with two infants, especially when one was quite a bit screamy. They would go out to lunch (see previous note on His Screamy-ness) or to the mall. Once when I tried to go by post-pregnancy jeans at The Gap, Danny screamed so loudly in the dressing room I had to leave my four pairs of jeans there and make a quick exit. It was ugly. I saved the jeans shopping for a Saturday when there were two of us. Mommy & Baby yoga was another no-go. As was any semblence of sleep.

Hanging out at a family picnic Hanging out at a family picnic

However, as the months went on, I felt like I was missing out on less and less. Music class? We started that at about 20 months and had tons of fun. Gymnastics? We started that at 18 months and was also a blast. We can do playgroups and trips to the park and to a friend’s house as easily as anyone with just one toddler. Dinners out? Well, we probably wouldn’t do that even with one toddler, what with our 7pm bedtime and my dislike of just shoving (expensive) food in quickly so that I can eat at the speed of a two year old. That’s what babysitters are for, in my book. And we have a great one who isn’t phased by putting two two year olds to bed.

But my kids are now coming up on 2 1/2 and suddenly I think those singleton moms and kiddos are getting out a lot more again. A trip to the Science Museum on a weekday morning? Hell, no. Between rush hour traffic and trying to keep track of two (fast) two year olds, I might not survive until naptime. The same goes for the Aquarium and the Children’s Museum. Could I try to attempt it if it I really wanted to? Probably. But I’m a bit concerned about safety and keeping track of both of them in such a big, crowded space. And honestly, I’m really not interested in having them do a 30 minute nap in the car as their only nap of the day. My friends with one kid seem so much more willing to mess with that nap. But me, on a day when it’s just me from 7am to 7pm? You’ve got to be kidding. I’m just too tired not to have an hour or two to myself, to eat lunch, respond to emails and maybe throw a load of laundry in. On weekends, fine. But just me days? No thank you. Now I am aware that this may have more to do with my own personality–there are certainly peppier, sunnier twin moms out there than me. But has anyone else found that 2 1/2 is a hard age to get kids out on TRIPS? Not the usual everyday ones, but the fun big ones, like museums or zoos or such? Anyone have any good tips for making it work?

 
Abigail enjoys a recent trip to the playground

Abigail enjoys a recent trip to the playground

An Antidote for Twinsanity

Remember that old saying you heard, oh, let’s see … once, maybe twice, maybe a hundred times? Sweet whispers caressed your pillow night after night and they all went something like this:

It will get easier.

I think I remember throwing a flower pot or something very heavy at someone after they said something like that during one of my sleep-deprived dreams.

But, I’m not going to write about how all ages and stages are hard – because they are and we know that already.

Instead, I’m going to share the Top Secret Tip to Ridding Yourself of Twinsanity – EVERY DAY. Disclosure: This does not include days when they just wake up cranky and miserable no matter what you do or when they are vomiting or have a fever. Only chocolate can help you those days.

It does, however, include all ages and stages the rest of the time.

Here’s the Top Secret:

Plan.

When you finally pick yourself up off the floor and dust off from that shocker, I want you to think back – and if your twins are 2 you’ll need to think way back – to your best days. I’m willing to bet you would agree that they were filled to the brim with activity, with perfect pace and degrees of difficulty and creativity.

Our best days around here are the ones that are planned out almost by the minute. They are ordinary, stay-at-home kind of days that offer less time to, say, knock over the living room lamp or rip open a brand new bag of Seattle’s Best Coffee and dump it all over the brand new rug.

One second without an activity and the next thing you know they’re crying, I’m saying things I regret and the day is a lost cause.

Since I became a stay-at-home mom when my daughters were 10 months old, I kept them busy just about daily with planned extra curricular activities (ie: art, music, physical activity).

Recently, I realized I stopped planning and started winging it once they turned 2. I guess I thought since they were older they should be able to entertain themselves better than they actually do. But, they still need me to help teach them how to play and be creative. Or, I need it, I suppose.

Sure enough, as soon as I started planning out our days again, life got easier and happier and, well, more sane. It ain’t perfect, but I’m not asking for perfect. And, so I’m being clear: planned activities like this are more for a mom’s peace of mind than for trying to raise brilliant children. Though, it would be nice if the latter sort of tagged along with the original goal.

No matter the age of your twins, you too can have a relatively peaceful, calm day that includes more learning and laughter and less crying and fighting – even on the ordinary days. Here’s the trick, Mama.

Preparation: Spend a half hour at your computer or with your activity books (don’t have any you say, well then get to the library FAST!) and a notebook. Think about the downtime your kiddos have and consider their attention spans. Most activities for young children last only a few minutes so you’ll need quite a few. Three in the morning and three in the afternoon is best if you’re home alone with multiples all day. But, even just one morning and one evening activity is enough to make for a good start and end to the day. You could easily just write down one activity for each day on a calendar if one is enough for your family – a great time management tip I found through Preschool Mama.

Themes/subjects: Pick a theme for the day or even the week and try to stick to that to help you minimize the activities you could venture into. Keep them simple for yourself, too. If your theme this week is hot weather, then consider activities that will use all five senses for that topic. In our early days together, we always had music, art and physical activity. Need more ideas? Check out Toddler Toddler’s site for fast and easy activities.

Everything is A Big Deal Activity: Sometimes, just knowing what will come next is the best antidote to a crazy life with young twins. Knowing that after just 15 minutes you can all easily move on to the next thing — maybe it’s brushing teeth, maybe it’s cleaning with wipes or maybe it’s painting the next great piece of living room art. It’s all a big deal to a young child if you make it a big deal. The point is to show up, pay attention and be ready for the next great big thing.

Which leads me to my last point:

Stay Open, Be flexible: Some of our best moments have come directly from my failed activities. I thought it would go one way and they took it a totally different way but as long as they are happy, I am (usually) happy, too. So long as I know what’s on deck next when a meltdown ensues.

And, let me say, it’s great to be here. I love writing and I love twins so this is a perfect venue for my thoughts and ramblings. Two years ago, I would have posted about keeping a schedule and desperate ways to get my girls to sleep through the night. A year ago, I would have been posting about how I honestly thought they were the best age ever (and, I was right!). Now, well, they are 2.5 and … what was I talking about? Yeah. That’s about my brain these days. So, let me try and be coherent on all topics near and dear to my heart related to twins — in between verbal arguments and physical dramatics. And, oh, I have another blog, too.

Toddler Truth, Times Two

How anxiously I awaited the onset of actual conversation with my twosome…

So many months were spent gazing into their wee eyes…just hoping  for (and often, projecting) a returned gaze of love.   With the advent of their oral dexterity, surely all the affection so generously lavished upon them would be reciprocally expressed to my eager, and maternally misty, delight.

Alas, as our twins’ language skills developed rapidly and fluently, it became glaringly clear that emotional declarations were not their top priority.

Instead, keen powers of observation and remarkably detailed memories provided them with the motivation for their earliest commentary.

Honesty.  Pure. Unadulterated. Unvarnished. Horrifyingly unedited.

Imagine poor Mommy’s dual-injected reality check…courtesy of my beloved twins, verbally unleashed.  So begins the re-assessment of my self-image, through their empirically-accurate perspective…..

On my housekeeping skills:
….or perhaps more correctly phrased, my lack thereof.
Yes, I have exploited my own children.  Having young twins has provided me with the seemingly perfect alibi for my far-from-immaculate household. When I unearthed the spritzer of Windex to clean our glass-topped coffee table, my son declared, “That’s Grandma’s!” If possession is truly 9/10ths of the law, she’s certainly had it in her hands more than I.  He’s right; it’s hers.

On my musical abilities:
…or perhaps more correctly phrased, my lack thereof. 
For the first 23 months of our twins’ lives I sang along cheerfully with Raffi, the Sesame Street Gang (Oscar and I are blessed with the same vocal range), They Might Be Giants, Cedarmont Kids… all the Billboard chart-toppers.  At 24 months, our daughter began to yell “No!” from the backseat of the car.  Assuming the song mid-play was not a favorite, I’d advance to the next track. By 25 months, she was able to elaborate with greater clarity, “No! Mommy can’t sing!”  So
ended my aspirations of Karaoke stardom on Children’s Song Night.

On my post-twin delivery figure:
Many (okay, most) days, I waited to shower until my twosome was down for their afternoon nap.  On the day of this disheartening revelation, my son’s wailing could clearly be heard over the shower flow.  Concerned about the possibility of his extremities hopelessly wedged betwixt crib slats; or worse yet, his sister pulling aforementioned body-parts against the crib slats like twigs for the snapping, I sprinted to the nursery.

My soggy-faced son, shocked silent by the visage of his naked, dripping Mom, whispered (with perceptible horror in his voice), “Mommy, please put some clothes on.”  Suppose I should be proud.  At least he tried to be polite.

On my grammar :
My daughter sat in her high chair forcefully fork-spearing her banana slices as if they needed to be subdued prior to consumption. Watching the poor slices being mutilated beyond fork-friendly, I suggested, “Honey, you need to do that gentle! Look how mushy the bananas are getting.” Without so much as a glance in my direction, she responded, “Sarah will do it gently.”   Well, at least I don’t refer to myself in the third person.

On my time management & twin juggling skills:
…or perhaps more correctly phrased, my lack thereof.
Before my twosome could inform me that I was mistaken, I took substantial pride in single-handledly taking them on daily out-of-the-house adventures. One particluar day, my daughter, with her shoes on and jacket zipped, was jumping up and
down by the front door chanting, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” In an effort to explain (important note: “explaining” to toddlers is
rarely a useful practice) why we couldn’t leave immediately, I reminded her that she had a brother, also needed shoes and a jacket prior to our departure. In her effort to explain the delay, she declared, “We’ll go in the car as soon as Mommy gets her act together.”

On my personal hygiene:
[Warning: This story is not for the squeamish.]

While in the process of potty training, my husband and I made a frequent practice of allowing/encouraging our twins to “watch” Mommy and Daddy “go potty.” On this particular day, while pulling down my pants for the Potty Parade, I noticed my period was starting a day early. A small spot of darkish flow was in the crotch of my panties. My son, ever empathetic, pointed to the brownish area and sympathized, “That’s okay, Mommy.  You had an accident.” In keeping with my earlier-stated theory on the lunacy of offering explanations to toddlers, I replied simply, “You’re right.  Thanks for making me feel better.”   Wish he could do something for cramps.

On my appearance:
As I was changing my daughter’s diaper, she was reading P.D. Eastman’s classic, The Alphabet Book.  Suddenly, she began kissing a page and cooing, “Ooooh, Mommy!” My mind reeled as I tried to guess which of the illustrations had caused her to think of me so affectionately.  Was I the regal “Queen with a Quarter?”  Perhaps I was the gleeful, fast-moving “Rabbit on Rollerskates.”   No such luck.  When I asked to see the picture of Mommy, lo and behold, apparently I resemble “Walrus with a Wig.”

In an earlier episode, when she informed me that the Veggie Tales’ Archie Asparagus “Looks like Mommy”, I must confess that out of sheer desperation, I took solace in the fact that he was “bookish and lean.”

Now for those of you twin mommies whose twins have yet to share their “truth”, try not to panic.  Not all of their observations are so dramatically ego-bruising.

One Friday night, not long after the walrus incident, as my twosome came down to say “Good Night” to me and my Book Club galpals, my daughter picked up a framed movie still of a young Audrey Hepburn and pronounced with pride, “That looks like Mommy!”  As if that didn’t have me beaming enough, she subsequently picked up the companionate photo of a young Paul Newman and chirped, “And that looks like Daddy!”

Suffice it to say, I think I have decided which truths I’ll believe.