The Candy Tax

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Categories Parenting

In an effort to keep my readers informed, I am going to spend some time today explaining an important, but often overlooked, law that will affect all of us in the near future.

I’m speaking of the Candy Tax. Not only is this a Federal statute, I think it is worldwide. I believe this law will soon be put before Congress for a vote to amend the Constitution.

Simply put, the parents of any youthful recipients of large amounts of candy are entitled to a percentage of said candy. This percentage is up to and including any and all snickers bars if they constitute 10% or less of the total haul. Candy that has been collected in pillowcases or other outrageously large containers is subject to a 15% Candy Tax. This covers the time and stress of the parent having to manually inspect each piece upon re-entry of the youthful person into the home.

In the case of really awful sour candy being the sole form of candy collected, the candy recipients may petition for a deferment of the candy tax until such time as they receive a form of candy acceptable to the candy assessor. For example, if at Halloween the recipient returns home only with awful sour candy, they owe the parent the ears and feet of the next chocolate Easter bunny they receive.

Additional taxes may be levied in the case of a parent creating a homemade costume. Because said costume was created in an effort to assist the Candy Recipient in accumulating more candy, the parent may collect up to and including all snickers, 3 Musketeers, and Hershey bars in compensation for their time.

The payment of the tax is at the sole discretion of the parent, and may include substituting Reeses for Snickers if they so desire.

Candy eaten on the way home from trick-or-treating still counts towards the total haul, and parents should take into account not only the number of pieces of candy, but the number of wrappers present during candy inventory.

If the candy tax is not promptly paid, the candy may have to go on time out on a high shelf in the kitchen until such time as the parent can properly inspect it and collect the tax.

You can meet my little tax deductions over at Lit and Laundry

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5 thoughts on “The Candy Tax”

  1. Too too funny.

    My plan had been to take it all, and only leave ’em lollipops. Even that’s only because hearing two-year-olds says “Wolliplops” is worth dealing with the sugar-enhanced energy.

  2. Oh dear heaven, I do feel quite strongly that Halloween taxes need NOT be across the board “fair” taxes. When the haul is so extreme that it might actually cause harm to the recipients, it is in THEIR best interest for me to relieve them of the potential regurgitation provocateur.

    ESPECIALLY when we’re talking twins (one of whom is a labor-intensive mummy), who need to dress for THREE costumed functions…I’ve paid into the system, I’d like a little something back…

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