more on separation

Posted on
Categories Development, Relationships, School-AgeTags , , ,

As I wrote in my last post, we are gently working with our boys on separation from each other. Our boys will be 6 in August, and will start kindergarten. They’ll be in the same class, and we have no interest in forcing the two of them apart. Their bond is tight and they’re far more outgoing when they’re in a room together, than when they’re out of eye- and earshot from one another.

G, my “baby A,” wants to be a baseball player when he grows up. P, his twin, wants to be a chef. This caused them some stress for a while, until they worked out an arrangement where P would locate his restaurant next to the stadium, and G would eat there before his games each day. P is also willing to work as a food vendor in the stadium while G is playing.

Anyway, G wanted to play T-ball this spring, and P did not. This was the first thing they’ve done separately, without any coaxing from us, so we were anxious and interested to see how it would go.

During the first practice, P stayed home with me and grew increasingly agitated over his brother’s absence. He eventually laid down in his bed and cried a little, just before G arrived home. When G came in he asked me, “Was P crying because he missed me?” before he’d even seen his brother.

We all attended G’s games, and P wanted to get a foam #1 finger he could wave to cheer G on. G participated fully and cheerfully, which was interesting because he was the more dependent twin during this past year of preschool.

This weekend G’s T-ball league was invited to march in our town’s Independence Day parade, so he and my husband left early and headed for the fairgrounds while the other kids and I staked out a spot downtown. P was quiet during the parade, although he happily scurried to collect candy thrown from the floats with the other kids. A few times he asked how much longer it would be until he’d see his brother…

By the end of the evening, he was getting agitated and upset. He was very anxious to get home, and spent the whole car ride wondering aloud whether G would be home yet when we got there. Fortunately they’d beat us home, and the boys hugged for a long time when they saw each other.

Their relationship is so far beyond my understanding that I’m hesitant to do much to manipulate it. The only punishment that affects them at all is separation. One in the basement, one in their bedroom… and that is 10-15 minutes of the two of them calling to each other through the HVAC vents. Absolutely nothing else gets through to them, because they have each other and what more do they need?

I love their closeness. I love that they are making these small decisions to be apart, even though it’s a little uncomfortable for them. Mostly, I love that they are making these decisions, because the guilt of it would drive me nuts if I’d been the one to separate them. Watching them take responsibility for pursuing their own interests is fascinating.

Jen is a work-from-home mom of 5-year-old twin boys, and two girls ages 3 and 8. She also blogs at Diagnosis: Urine, where she examines the finer points of potty training failure.

Share this...Share on Facebook0Tweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+0Pin on Pinterest0Share on StumbleUpon0Share on Tumblr0Share on Reddit0Digg thisShare on LinkedIn0Email this to someone

5 thoughts on “more on separation”

  1. I think it’s great that, as close as they are, they are starting to venture out just a little on their own. Good for them for finding different interests, and good for you for taking a step back (and definitely for not insisting the other kid sign up, too!).

  2. It sound like they also know they need some separation and a chance to develop their own interests. It sounds like you’re doing a great job of supporting them, at a pace that suits them.

  3. I agree that letting them do it at their own pace and pursue their own interests is the best way to go. I’d so proud of P for staying strong while G was off doing his activity, and for not just going along because it was G’s activity. I know some identical twins from college who never separated until they got married, and they are still in business together. My father-in-law is a triplet (he and one of his brothers are identical) and he and his identical brother stayed together throughout school, college, dental school, both became oral surgeons, and only separated because the town they were in didn’t need two new oral surgeons. I wonder if the bond is the same with fraternal twins- but I don’t think so. My niece and nephew are still in the same class and everything, but I don’t think it’s a separation anxiety thing. Maybe P and G will decide to stay together through all their schooling- I don’t think there is anything wrong with it.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge