A couple of days ago, Mercedes asked us, “Seriously, how do you do it?” This is my answer.
(This is a revised version of a post I originally wrote when my now 6-year-olds were toddlers.)
I don’t think parents of multiples or military families or single parents or working moms are unique in needing to answer this question repeatedly. I suspect all parents get it, because seriously, parenting is a hard hard job. It’s physically, emotionally and creatively demanding, and, although its rewards are incomparable, there are days it’s a thankless slog.
So, how do I do it?
My 2-second answer to the question is, “I do the best I can.”
My 20-second answer is, “I prioritize, and I lower my standards. I figure out what really matters and what’s necessary. Then, I let everything else slide. The kids and my job need a level of attention that cannot be compromised. I have to care for myself enough so that I am mentally and physically healthy enough to manage those things. Everything else has to fit in around those top priorities.”
Here’s the long answer:
My priorities are clear. In order, they are:
- The kids’ immediate well-being
- The kids’ long-term well-being. Are they on a path to being healthy, happy, wholesome, productive adults?
- My job and my immediate co-workers and customers
- The kids’ relationships with their family members who don’t live with us, including their father, stepmother and stepsisters
- A healthy diet for the family
- My mental and physical health (including getting sleep)
- Friends and remaining family
- Community participation
- Housekeeping and home maintenance
I look at the balance of my life in two-week chunks. I might not get to cleaning, talking to relatives, exercise, or even reading with the girls, every single day. I may go a week without making a meaningful contribution to my community. Within each 14 day period, though, each of the areas I value should have had some attention, in proportion to their place on the priority list.
How do I fit this blog into my life? Well, blogging helps me work through the most challenging questions of the day, reminds me that the kids are the primary reason I even try to achieve balance, and keeps me connected with the amazingly supportive and smart community of parent bloggers. Priorities 1, 2, 6 and 8 addressed in one fell swoop. Again, the 14-day balance helps me stay on top of things. I don’t write nearly as regularly as I publish. Some days, I’ll have three things to talk about, and I’ll publish the extra drafts on days when there’s a gap and I don’t have the time, energy or creativity to come up with a timely post.
Here’s the big secret. I don’t do it all. On a given day, I either don’t sleep enough, don’t clean enough, feed the kids junk like mac and cheese and hot dogs, don’t shower, or don’t take any time to sit and breathe.
So, how do I do it? I don’t.
Sadia is a recently divorced mother of 6-year-old twin girls, M and J, having spent 8 years as an army wife. They live with three cats in the Austin, TX area, where J and M attend Spanish-English dual language public school and Sadia works at a large university in information technology.
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This is perfect
I think having a concrete list like this is so helpful. And even more helpful is the tip to look at things in two week chunks. I find I get so overwhelmed if I try to look too far into the future! You are so right about balance! If I get dressed one day, maybe I don’t make lunch or if I shower then I can’t catch up on any blogs or reading.
This is such a great way to look at things! Love it. #twinklytuesday
Julie Downes recently posted 5 fab things this week #21
It’s nice to know that, by not doing it all, you can still do a lot – and feel good about it! You’ve got your priorities straight & you’ve got the set of intentions – what mom could say more?
Katey Howes recently posted How To Create Extension Activities for Children’s Books with Author Laura Sassi: Plus Goodnight, Manger GIVEAWAY
This is such a great post! I love your 20 second answer, but the whole philosophy of the post is fantastic. Looking at contributions as a whole, in 2 week chunks, is a really great way of doing things. I had my second baby when my eldest was 14 months old, and I still struggle with how much I had to lower my standards. I still don’t like how often the tv is on, and how I don’t have the time to be constantly doing craft activities, and all the other things I told myself I’d be doing on a daily basis. This is a refreshing way of helping people feel better about what they can achieve!
#twinklytuesday
This Mum’s Life recently posted Generic Baby Sleep Manual: A Review
That list scares me lol
It’s actually quite frightening when you write down everything that needs to be done even when it’s been put into order of priority. I prefer to bury my head in the sand and not do my housework for four months 😉
Thanks for hosting #twinklytuesdays
Unhinged Mummy (aka Janine Woods) recently posted A Scan And A Gourmet Burger
Setting out your priorities is such a good idea as that helps you focus on the things you need to do and not get distracted.
Mrs Tubbs recently posted Half-term In Madrid! Hola!
Brilliant honest post and a model of how to prioritise effectively! Thanks for sharing #TwinklyTuesday
Anita Cleare recently posted 101 ideas for supporting your child’s development
I do love a list and live my life by lists. I don’t know where I’d be without them! #TwinklyTuesday
Crummy Mummy recently posted 10 differences between first & second babies
Fab post!
Sounds like you have it sorted.
And I totally agree, we can only do our best x
Jayne @ Sticky Mud and Belly Laughs recently posted It’s a Grandad thing
This is a great post. I have 2.5 years between my 2 and there were times when my husband went back to work that I really didn’t have a clue how to get through each day! But somehow we did in 1 piece!
I take my hat off to you managing so well with twins. We all find our own ways through don’t we…
Vix x
#twinklytuesday
Vix another mum in london recently posted Babywearing – Carry them Close
What a great philosophy to take a medium-term view of your priorities by trying to get around to everything on your list at least once each two weeks. I like the idea that it takes the pressure away from having to do perfectly each day. #twinklytuesday
Robyn recently posted HOW TO THROW A KIDS BIRTHDAY PARTY
This is great, I do the same and make a list of things I need to accomplish. I try and pick off a few things each day, it helps keep me out a getting in a rut also. Thanks for sharing #twinklytuesday
Nicole, THe Domesticated Goddess recently posted Disneyland Diamond Celebration Vacation
I think you have it right when you say you prioritise & lower your standards. I can relate and I don’t have twins! Well done on juggling everything! #TwinklyTuesday
Becky (@educatingr) recently posted Tonight Matthew, I’m going to be….
My two only have 15 months between them & I just try to do as much as possible, sometimes with more success than others. An organised list of priorities is probably more sensible! #twinklytuesday
Silly Mummy recently posted Toddler of all Trades
I don’t have a list as prescriptive as yours, but I can assure you us stay at home dads take a similar approach. Thanks for hosting #twinklytuesday
John Adams recently posted Our new kitchen, and a spectacular failure to plan for it
I’d love to hear your approach! I think that stay at home dads still have to contend with dismissive attitudes and it’s so important for fathers like you to remind us to examine our prejudices.
I like the idea of looking at your life in fortnightly chunks to see how well everything is balancing out. #TwinkleTuesdays
Tracey Abrahams recently posted My Top News Stories Of The Week- 11th November
Lovely to read such an honest post. Well done mama.
Jen @ 4,128 miles recently posted Remember remember the fifth of November
Aaah I LOVE this post!!!! LOVE IT. Because actually, you’ve dispelled a bit of a myth and been honest.
I think — and this is especially true of certain ‘social media’ platforms. There’s a trend to give the illusion that we live in a perfect Pinterest house, with Instagrammable food, kids, life in general. And it’s all smoke and mirrors isn’t it?
Whilst we may manage to keep on top of it all *most* of the time, it’s nice to admit that we’re only human and it’s not always that way! Thanks for being a great co-host #TwinklyTuesday
Caro | The Twinkle Diaries recently posted Home Etc #26
Excellent post. It’s nice to hear someone else has a similar mindset! #twinklytuesday
Great post Sadia! It’s comforting to know that none of us have it all together. I enjoyed seeing how you broke it down, especially your 20 second answer.
Erin @ Nourishing My Scholar recently posted A Week in the Life of Unschoolers
I love your 14 day window – that’s a fabulous idea. I think I might have to start doing that immediately! Gosh what a lovely way to prioritise and make sure you do the things that count. Glad to see the cleaning at the bottom, where it should be! I can only aspire. Nicky #twinklytuesday
Nicky Kentisbeer recently posted Poppies For Our Children
Always good to prioritise, I am forever making lists. #TwinklyTuesdays
Katy (What Katy Said) recently posted The Toys From My Childhood
Great post and so refreshing to hear that sometimes the cleaning slips or food isn’t as healthy as you’d like. Same here! As long as they are happy and fed, that’s the main job done! Becky x #TwinklyTuesday
Becky at PinksCharming recently posted “I love you to Spanish and back!”