We’ve got two babies (at least) and two arms (if you have information on how to grow a third, please post here immediately!). If we ever want to eat or pee again, we must develop a special set of skills to get basic things done. We must become…Mom Ninjas.
Super Skills of the Mom Ninjas
Level 1: Holding two babies at once. Let’s face it, even though we MoMs usually take this for granted, holding two babies, seated or standing, is a skill.
Level 2: Feeding one baby while rocking/feeding/changing/soothing another. AKA your life for the first 6 months (give or take a couple years).
Level 3: Leaving the house by yourself and all your infants. And coming back in one piece.
Level 4: Changing a poopy diaper in the middle of the night without waking the sleeping non-pooper. Keeping your cool when the non-pooper poops too, even though this is the first thing they have managed to do on the same schedule all @#$% day. And we’re breathing…
Level 5: The ol’ Switcheroo – trading babies with your partner by handing them over simultaneously.
Level 6: Picking up a dropped toy/keys/diaper with your foot while holding both babies.
Level 7: Listening to and retaining information from the bank/insurance company/doctor’s office while wrangling two busy little bodies determined to a) roll across the room and eat cat food, and/or b) deafen the neighborhood with screaming for no apparent reason.
Level 8: Picking up a baby up from a car seat/putting a baby into the car seat while holding another (possibly both are crying hysterically. Actually they definitely are. Otherwise no one would attempt this insane move. Please don’t tell CPS.).
Level 9: Knowing, in the midst of a Double Meltdown, whom to go to first and the subsequent order of problem-solving to get back to relative peace.
Level 10: Walking down the street, pushing that awful Double Snap n’ Go that your kids refuse to ride in because we woke up, mommy, so you’re carrying one in the Ergo and the other on your hip and maybe even talking on the phone (it’s the sleep consultant, guys) when some kind, misguided soul whispers “Oh my god, quadruplets,” as you pass. Actually, if I had quadruplets, I’m pretty sure I would leave the house in a better state than this. If I left at all. Which I wouldn’t.
Level 11: Standing up with two sleeping babies on the double nursing pillow, possibly still attached to the boob, walking to the bathroom, peeing, pulling up your pants, and returning to the couch – without anyone waking up.
Level 12: See Level 11, add jeans.
Level 13: Doing it all again tomorrow, without much sleep in between.
You know you’ve done all this and more (MoMs-to-be, don’t worry, you will too). So tell us, ladies – What are your ultimate Mom Ninja moves?
RebeccaD is a SAHM in San Francisco. She is currently in ninja training with her 6-month-old fraternal twin boys, who are ruthless taskmasters but big on hugs and kisses for a job well done.