I was divorced in June of last year after 8 years of marriage. I never saw it coming. Mothers’ Day in the US is 2 Sundays from now on May 12. It will be my first since our family was completely restructured and the ground ripped out from under me.
My mother-in-law was my best friend and confidante, and the best grandmother I could have ever desired for my children. She is loving, yet firm. She spoils the girls as only grandparents can, but has always respected my rules and boundaries. Sadly, my former in-laws have chosen to cut me out of their lives, despite my ex-husband’s very clear indication that he didn’t desire that and wanted the children’s well-being to come first. I won’t be sending my former mother-in-law a Mothers’ Day gift this year after 9 years of cards, flowers, and gifts. The running list I had of perfect gifts for her needs to be put away permanently. The reality that this surrogate mother is forever lost to me is really hitting home. Rejection hurts.
Things with my ex-husband were as polite as divorce can be. We didn’t involve lawyers, except to spend our tax refund to hire a single lawyer to draft a divorce decree incorporating the terms we agreed to on our own. I sent my ex a note a list of things that I’d taken care of for his family that he would now need to own on behalf of our daughters: thank you cards, Christmas and birthday presents, summer visits and, yes, Mothers’ Day cards.
I’m pretty sure that Daddy’s going to forget about the girls’ Mothers’ Day cards for Auntie and Grammy, but I need to accept that it’s no longer my place to remind him. I can still teach my daughters about honouring those who love them. I can make sure that my ex’s new wife gets a card from our daughters. After all, this is her first Mothers’ Day as a stepmom. If picking up cards for her inspires the girls to ask to get cards from Grammy and Auntie, I won’t say no. It’s not my place to tell them to do so, though. This post-divorce co-parenting thing doesn’t come with demarcations of what duties are his and which ones mine… and that’s not even the hardest part.
Who do you honour on Mothers’ Day? Do your kids send cards to their grandmothers, aunts, and godmothers? Who in your family keeps track of card- and gift-giving occasions?
Sadia is mother of nearly 7-year-old identical twin daughters, M and J. After 8 years as an army wife, she made the surprisingly minor transition to single motherhood. In August 2013, she moved back to Central Texas from El Paso, where she had moved a year earlier on orders from Uncle Sam.
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My mom passed away years ago, as did my grandmothers, but I send a card to my aunt who is a big supporter of mine. I also send cards to my closest girlfriends…I love the idea of honoring them as mothers, as heaven knows they help keep me sane. 😉 I have so much appreciation for traveling this motherhood journey with them.
It surprised me when the girls said, out of the blue, that they wanted to send cards to their great-great aunt and “Grandma” J, our neighbor, for Mother’s Day. I just thought that was so sweet.
Wishing you a wonderful Mother’s Day, Sadia!
It is nice that you settled the separation civilly with a divorce lawyer. I am sorry that this made a divide towards your relationship with your former inlaws. If ever, you could hang out with your friends and family for a while before you fix your relationship with your former mother figure.
A professional advice is important to take important decision. A professional lawyer is necessary for a good decision.
I like that you have undergone your divorce in a civil manner. My cousin is having a hard time with his divorce procedures. I think we need a Marriage Dissolution Attorney to help us out on his case.
Thank you for this article. I am very glad to read this. Thank you very much.