They do not look the same. This weekend, we went to a knitting class for kids in Austin. The other mom there asked which of the girls was mine; she had assumed that they were friends whom I’d brought to class together.
People frequently ask me how my girls can possibly be identical if they don’t look the same. After all, don’t they belie the very definition of identical? The same question was asked by another mother of identical twins in a MoM Facebook group recently. She wondered how it was that only one of her twins had crossed eyes so severe that he needed surgery. Shouldn’t both have the crossed eyes if one did? As you may know, M has a condition called frontonasal dysplasia that impacts how she looks. J doesn’t have this condition. I felt compelled to answer the other mom’s question, then realized my response to the other mom was worth sharing with you.
The confusion comes from the usage of the word identical. Used colloquially, it means that two things are alike in all ways. Used scientifically to describe two organisms, it means only that they share their genetic makeup. My daughters’ DNA is identical (more or less; every time a cell divides in two, there’s the potential for something to get miscopied, resulting in a minute genetic change). That’s what makes them “identical” twins. Personally, I prefer the term monozygotic to identical. It makes clear that my daughters started as a single (mono) fertilized egg (zygote).
DNA doesn’t dictate everything. In the case of my girls, the sides of J’s face came together exactly on schedule, so she’s symmetrical . M’s facial formation was behind schedule for some reason we don’t know, so she has a cleft running down the center of her face and an adorably unusual nose. Even though they can look very similar, their noses, foreheads and chins are different. Plus, J has a dimple, an interruption in her cheek muscle, that M doesn’t.
My M also had amblyopia. Essentially, her brain ignored the message from her left eye, rendering her functionally blind in that eye. We caught it early, and we were able to resolve it by having her wear a patch over her “good” eye several hours a day for a few months. Her twin J has always had perfect vision in both eyes.
The biology of differences between identicals can be pretty complex, but think of it this way. The DNA that our identical kids share is the blueprint from which they are built. However, the actual process of fetal development (just like house construction) introduces teeny tiny differences. When those differences comes early in development (think during the framing of a house) they can have a really major impact on the final product, whether human or house.
Especially when our kids have medical challenges, it’s really easy to blame ourselves and wonder if there’s something we as moms could have done differently. There usually isn’t.
And really, would I want my kids to be exactly alike? M’s sparkling wit is a foil for J’s earnestness. J’s emotional maturity balances M’s academic precocity. M’s musical and artistic ability are a match for J’s literary talents.
My unique girls are not identical people even though their matching DNA makes them identical twins.