“Comparison is the thief of joy,” Teddy Roosevelt warned us.
There’s definitely some truth to that. If you measure your quality of life by comparing it to the lifestyle you perceive others to live, you’re going to be miserable. But how much more joy can be gained from realizing how good we have it?
Parents compare their kids. We compare them to ourselves. We compare them to their siblings. We compare them to their peers. We certainly compare them to statistical averages. “Oh no,” we say, “an average girl can say 50 words at 16 months and mine only says 40!” Or, “my boy already says 50 words at 16 months and the average boy only says 30. He’s a genius!” We forget that the child is a unique person, never intended to be the average of all children in her country.
Parents of multiples can’t help but compare our same-age children to each other. There’s a silver lining to this, though. The comparison highlights each child’s unique personality and quirks. You might not notice how athletic one twin is except in contrast to his more verbally precocious brother.
I used to ask new parents what their baby was like. 99% of the time, they’d give me an odd look and shrug. “I dunno,” they’d say, “Eats, poops, sleeps. Acts like a baby.”
It was years before I realized that the contrast between twins had granted me the luxury of identifying their unique personalities well before they were talking. I knew who my twinfants were, in a way that many of my singleton parents did not know their children.
Shortly after J and M’s first birthday, I had this to say about them:
First of all, both M and J are very easy-going, cheerful, low-maintenance babies. They’re both extremely opinionated, love to play together, but can entertain themselves too. They’re affectionate, active and very very very very verbal. They know the rules, but they both enjoy pushing their boundaries. They both love to eat and are growing rapidly. They’re still very small for their birth age, but very advanced in their physical, linguistic and social skills.
8 years later, so much of this is true. My girls are cheerful and relatively low-maintenance. They’re opinionated and capable of playing together and apart. Their verbal abilities are off the charts. They still love to eat what they love to eat, although M’s repertoire is pretty limited. They’re still tiny, but are proven athletes, scholars, and great friends.
M is a people-pleaser. Around new people, or folks they don’t see too often, she definitely comes across as the dominant personality. She smiles and chatters and shows off. Even when she’s doing her own thing, you can catch her checking that the new person is watching her. She loves to explore new spaces, but she checks in with Mommy often for a snuggle.
This is all accurate. M puts herself at ease in new situations by showing off her strengths, usually in mathematics. She’s very aware of her audience when we’re out and about, which is why she’s so easily embarrassed by me.
She’s a pickier eater than J and some days will eat only bananas. She’s getting to be an expert at the sippy cup, so we’re hoping to stop bottles altogether soon.
She was already a picky eater. Well, that hasn’t changed. It’s just magnified.
[M is] quite careful when encountering new objects or acquiring new skills. She tends to figure out how to do things before she tries, and gets frustrated quickly if her attempts fail. For instance, if a toy she wants gets stuck behind something, she starts fussing immediately. Because she does learn how to do things before trying them out, though, she catches up to J very quickly on physical skills, and often surpasses her. For instance, she crawls much much faster than J ever did.
M continues to be a perfectionist, so much so that J skipped a grade while M stayed behind to work on her time management. The girls have an optional after-school cultural performance this week. J can’t wait to get on stage. M is declining to participate because she doesn’t think the class had enough practice to perform to her exacting standards. As far as surpassing J, that still happens. J is still sore that M skipped several swimming levels ahead of her when they took swimming lessons at age 4.
J is defined by the word “determined.” She picks a goal and works and works and works on it. She may fail any number of times, but she keeps trying. This means that she learns physical skills sooner than M, but she falls far more often and has to try the same thing over and over. She’s already running, and has so much to accomplish that she’s been skipping naps recently and falling asleep in her high chair during meals.
J is incredibly determined still. It permeates every aspect of her life.
J likes to push the rules, although if she knows she’s about to break one, she shakes her head at herself and looks around to see if anyone’s going to stop her. She stops immediately on being told “No,” unlike M, who needs to be told “No” multiple times before reacting. She can often stop herself from breaking a rule: there’s some vigourous head-shaking, and then she turns around and runs towards me with a huge smile on her face.
J has excellent self-control. She hardly every makes the same mistake twice. M’s reactions, on the other hand, tend to run away with her, although she always apologizes after she’s calmed down. As she explained to me yesterday, “I feel my feelings and then I don’t say anything about them until they explode like a volcano.” Impulse control is a challenge she’s working to overcome.
J has an extremely good sense of balance, and can navigate her way into very tight spaces. She’s constantly moving around, usually walking, but every now and then, she’ll decide to lie on the floor on her back, very quietly, for a couple of minutes, before resuming her rambles. She likes to carry things around, even things that are too heavy for her. She likes to push toys along the floor while yelling “Eeeeeeeee” at the top of her lungs.
J’s constant motion is the reason I Santa bought a trampoline. She is also the daughter who will come up to and ask if we can read and snuggle. “Hugs make everything better,” is her signature phrase. Now, instead of yelling “Eeeeee”, she makes up silly songs to belt out while bouncing off the furniture.
J is the least picky eater I have ever met. She’ll eat anything I give her, and is very decisive about being done when she’s full. She simply turns her head away, and refuses to open her mouth.
J is still an adventurous eater. She recently ordered sliders topped with raw onions and chili. When the waitress checked to make sure she’d understood correctly, I confirmed that J loves raw onions.
There are, of course, ways in which M and J have changed as they’ve grown. J’s compassion for others and desire to right the wrongs of the world is astounding. Yesterday, she reported to me that her class has finally reintegrated the genders at their lunch table after having established a “girl side” and “boy side”.
M’s creativity is unbounded. This shows through in her story-telling, inventions, artwork, and, most recently, her CS First programming.
Getting to know your children may just be the greatest gift that comes with twins in that exhausting, overwhelming first year.
Those of you who have twinfants, what parts of their personality can you see already?
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This is a great read! I never really want to compare my twins. They have different personalities.
And yet, to notice how different they are, you have compared them. I think actively focusing on NOT comparing them is very valuable. We do it; it’s a matter of being aware and not letting it influence our expectations in a negative way.
Just love the quotes you included in your post, we do compare don’t we. My three children are all unique, although 1 and 3 are more alike than 2, she is by far the most different, but still I shouldn’t compare so much. I love them all so much! #Twinkly Tuesday
Mackenzie Glanville (reflectionsfromme.com) recently posted Sentimental heart #mummy & us
I am extremely guilty of comparing the developmental abilities and personality traits of my 7 month old to my 2 year old (thinking bank to when she was 5 months, 6 months, 7 months, etc). My cousin has twin sons (now tees), and I have seen her struggle through the years to not hold the same expectations for each boy.
That was a great thing to read, especially because I am so guilty of comparing my little boy to how the books think he should be, or what other kids his age are doing. I even compare my parenting style to others. But I’m slowly realising this isn’t the best way to be and I just need to focus on our life and my little boys personality and traits.
The L’s Mum recently posted All it takes is one thing to feel inspired
Great post! And the comparison is always there isn’t it, but I love that you have turned it into something so positive! #twinklytuesday
MOMM recently posted What Ramadan means to me…
I agree, getting to know your kids is possibly the greatest gift (when they are not driving you nuts!) and I can only imagine how intense and remarkable that must be with multiples! #twinklytuesday
What a lovely post! I knew quite a few twins growing up and they were just as different as me and my two sisters. We can’t help but compare – I really think it’s in our nature to – but like you say it doesn’t have to be a bad thing!
#twinklytuesday
Emma’s Mamma recently posted Why I hate my new phone
That’s a lovely post! Getting to know your children and seeing their personalities come out is such a joy. #twinklytuesdays
Very interesting insight in respect of twins. Very true about the problems of constant comparisons – I think social media has really increased competitive parenting & encouraged constant comparing of kids. I’m not sure that’s a good thing. #TwinklyTuesday
Silly Mummy recently posted ‘I’ll tell you what, Mummy’: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week
I absolutely agree that social media can have huge negative impacts, but at the same time, it allows people to come together to support each other. I’ve “met” two other parents, one on an altogether different continent, who have children with the same dysplasia condition as mine, through social media. Much though comparison can be a negative influence, having no one to compare one’s situation with is incredibly isolating.
I noticed these small details when my boys were babies (not at the same time) where I felt sure it was their personality, already there at a few weeks old and sure enough years later I can say that it was. those things I could see in them then is so very much a part of their personalities.
Great post. You have really made me think about the issues of comparison and the perspective you get when having twins. #twinklytuesday
Kirsten Toyne recently posted 6 Tips On Dealing With The Hurtful Things Children Say
I do not have twins but i find myself often comparing both of my daughters personalities, how Miss C was when she was Miss M’s age. They are so different in so many ways! #twinklytuesday
Rachel (Lifeofmyfamilyandme) recently posted Time for me, myself and i
This is so interesting. I always learn something about my boy when he’s in a situation with other children. Not in a comparison way, just because I see different things in him come out. Lovely post #twinklytuesday
Lucy at occupation: (m)other recently posted Pirates and Princesses
What a lovely post and I’m sorry but I was far to distracted at the super cute little ones in the photo! lol x
Debs @ Super Busy Mum recently posted Our Week in photos!
You’re so right about celebrating differences. Wouldn’t it be boring if we were all the same. I remember expecting my second child to be a carbon copy of my first and I was so surprised by their differences. I wouldn’t have it any other way either xxx
Kerry recently posted Me Time Conundrum
It is hard not to compare isn’t it? I try not to but you just can’t help it. Cannot imagine what twins would be like!
Katy recently posted Wildlife Jack Review & #Giveaway
I love that comparison quote and once blogged about it too, it really does bring home to me how we need to focus less on others sometimes. I don’t have twins but I can see so many differences in my children and can’t help but compare them. Hopefully it won’t be doing them too much damage! Love them both to bits! #twinklytuesday
Julia@ Rainbeaubelle recently posted Wagamama style gyoza recipe
This is a great post. It is lovely to see how your twins have developed. But is is really interesting to know that the personalities and skills that developed when they were little have only developed as they have grown up. #TwinklyTuesday. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Mrs H recently posted Moving on after a miscarriage
I don’t have twins but have always thought it must be so interesting watching them grow and develop together and seeing hoe they are similar and how they are different.
I have a toddler who showed her personality very quickly and it’s been great watching her grow…although I am slightly dreading her being a teenager already!
I now have a 7month old boy and am trying hard not to compare and just wait to see his own personality and development, very exciting!
Little Treasures recently posted Italia
I have 2 girls who are 11 months apart and their personalities are completely different ends of the spectrum. It will be interesting to see them grow together and I can only hope that they form a great sisterly bond. One of which I didn’t have with my sister nor do I do to this day. Thanks again for hosting #TwinklyTuesdays.
Trista, Domesticated Momster recently posted #Momsterslink for June 19,2015 Featuring Mommy From The Park
I think this is my favourite post of yours Sadia — I absolutely LOVe reading the differences between your girls — and how they’ve developed over the years — thanks for sharing
Thanks so much for being an amazing co-host of #TwinklyTuesday xxxx
Caro | The Twinkles Mama recently posted Hillarys Crafts Competition | A shoe rack IKEA hack!
How interesting! I only have one child, and sometimes I can’t help but compare her to her peers when we have play dates or go to social outings. I think it’s a natural thing to do, but I also agree that if you’re constantly comparing your child to his or her peers or siblings that you may be focusing too much on others and not enough on the uniqueness of your little girl or boy. Every child is made to be perfect in his or her own way, and we need to embrace them for who they are. Thanks so much for linking with #candidcuddles! xx