Every mother worries how her first-born will adapt to life with a new baby. How can we quantify and plan for the way our hearts expand to supply enough love for more babies? When preparing for twins, I wondered how bad it would be to bring twins into a family that already housed a three-year-old.
It turned out not to be a matter measured as, “how bad,” but more “how different.” From the beginning, we were keenly aware of how important it would be, during those first few weeks, to give her a role to play as big sister, and to keep up on our promise to love her. Love comes in cuddles, extra helpings of dessert, shared bubble baths, movie nights and special walks together, at least when one is three years old.
The First Days at Home
My husband and I kept a close eye on how our oldest handled the transition. It was important to involve her in as many of the new changes as possible, so we did: She bottle-fed, sang to them, changed diapers, and drew pictures to decorate their nursery. Anytime a visitor came with a gift for the babies, we made sure to express our gratitude, but not evoke much fanfare if there wasn’t also a gift for the new big sister. This was the beginning of our learning the lesson of being even-Steven with everything in a family with multiple children.
One-on-One Time
We chose to do a combination of direct breastfeeding and bottle-feeding pumped milk and formula, which gave my husband and I some free time to spend one-on-one with our oldest girl. This. Was. KEY. Honestly, having a energetic three-year-old was often more work than having twinfants. She did not care if we were sleep-deprived, and she had more needs to be met than ever before. Initially, this intimidated me, and fed my worry about how I would ever have enough time and energy to satisfy each daughter.
Each day, I took a moment or two to capitalize on time together. If she woke before the twins, we would enjoy a quiet breakfast together, just us two. If the twins happened to nap at the same time, I would take her for a walk, or a quick trip into town. If all were awake, I would pile everyone onto my lap and read books, letting my oldest have a chance to ‘read’ to her sisters.
Let Their Bond Grow Organically
I watched my oldest with our twins and recognized there was a new dynamic in the family that required very little from me. New sister relationships were forming, and I moved out of the way. Sometimes, she was too rough with them, and they would cry or whimper in response. Rather than scold her, I watched her face process the twins’ reaction, and she learned how to better handle them. Giving her the space to learn how to be a big sister to twins on her own has given her the confidence to forge ahead, to the beat of her own drum.
She has learned when to shut them out (kindly), because she needs to be alone and doesn’t want to be a big sister sometimes. That’s her prerogative, and rightly so. In turn, the twins have learned to idolize their big sister, and today at age three themselves, they are elated when they are invited to play with her.
We also let her paint on their faces; It was non-toxic and washable!
When Our Hands Were Full
There were, of course, times I was busy feeding the twins, or rocking them to sleep, and I couldn’t physically respond to our oldest’s requests. I would do my best to explain I could help her with my words, but not my hands. I would sing songs if she had a tantrum, I would play word games if she was amenable. I even took to setting up a pile of stuffed animals beside me as I nursed, so I could throw them at her if she was getting into something she wasn’t supposed to!
Telling her, “I’m sorry, mama’s busy feeding” was heartbreaking and, I’ll be honest, is a guilt that doesn’t go away, although it changes as they grow older. I never feel like I am giving each of my (now four) girls everything they need at all times. How can I possibly? I cannot raise four girls with 24/7 individual attention from their parents, but I am happily raising four girls who have established a true sisterhood. They have learned from infancy the values of cooperating with others, empathy, shared joy, and patience.
Sarah is the mother to four girls, two of whom are identical twins Hailey and Robin. They were born in the Yukon in a very small hospital at 35 weeks, and though they were small, they were mighty. She now lives in Ontario, where her high school sweetheart husband works very hard, and she stays home with the girls, freelance reporting on the side. In her past life, she was a journalist who covered everything from fast-paced federal politics to cats stuck in trees. Her writing has appeared in local newspapers and magazines, and in national publications like the Globe and Mail and ParentsCanada Magazine. She is a yogi, a mediocre cook, an awesome Beyonce dance move imitator, and an avid blogger at Cure for Boredom.
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What a great idea for a post. I have thought about doing a guest post or a series of interviews as well.
Adjusting to having more then one child is always a challenge but I couldn’t imagine the trials of multiples. The little girl painting the twins faces is just priceless and I smiled big when I saw it. Thanks for hosting #TwinklyTuesday.
Trista, Domesticated Momster recently posted Favorite Quote #9
Sounds very busy but lots of fab tips here. I only have one boy but I often wonder the juggle of having one other, let alone three! x
Potty Mouthed Mummy recently posted The Hollow
Ahh this post has come at the perfect timing for me!! As my c-section date gets closer (eeek 5 weeks today!) I spend more and more time worrying about how my first born who has only just turned two will cope! There’s some really lovely advice in here! Thanks so much for sharing
x
Seychellesmama recently posted My Expat Family 12
Good luck, you’ve got this mama!
Sounds like you did a great job of making sure your eldest was involved in helping with her baby sisters and making the most of those little moments when you were able to give her undivided attention. Love the fact that you gave your big girl space to discover the impact of her actions on her sisters for herself where possible – I’ve definitely been guilty of jumping in too quickly with my two at times. Beautiful post, thank you for sharing. #twinklytuesday
Louise (Little Hearts, Big Love) recently posted What we loved about In the Night Garden Live
How kind of you to say, thank you!
I have found going from 1 to 2 easier than 0-1 but I couldn’t imagine going from 1-3! When I’m up during the night feeding or settling my baby I often wonder how parents of multiples cope! You seem to have taken it all in your stride! Love the first photo – there is something so adorable about little feet! Thanks for hosting #twinkletuesdays
Amy (Feeding Finn) recently posted Traditional Weaning or Baby-led Weaning?
Great tips. My children are 8, 7, 2 and 10 months – we adopted a very similar approach. The big kids are very involved with the babies and great helpers but they have their own time too. #TwinklyTuesday
Mummy Fever recently posted Hide and seek with a toddler
You ARE busy! But it’s better than being bored, isn’t it?
SarahN recently posted A Great Many Things
Useful tips and sounds like you are doing a great job! I have 4 so I know how difficult it is giving them all ‘special’ time. The photos are fab
Thanks for hosting #TwinklyTuesday
great post I particularly like the part where you mention throwing the soft toys at your eldest brilliant idea!! I’m one of four girls and speaking to my mum now as an adult she often worried if she was being fair to all of us with her time. But as a child growing up in a large family I never felt like I wasn’t getting enough attention. I was always at my happiest when we were all doing activities together and often as we got older we didn’t want mum hanging around we were quite happy occupying ourselves with dress up etc which was a welcome break for her! Try not to worry too much it sounds like your doing a great job to me!
zoe dunn recently posted 10 Easy Peasy Jobs for Mums Minions
This is such a comfort, and great encouragement. Thank you!
SarahN recently posted A Great Many Things
You’re right in everything you say. Bringing another child into your family (two more in your case, well done!!) makes parents feel guilty. I cried every day leading up to our seconds birth and every day after for a couple of weeks. It’s so important to make baby 1 feel included in everything with the baby so they don’t get jealous and it does bond them together. We were lucky it was an instant love from baby 1 to baby 2. One on one time is really important like you say, it’s a hard time for them and a real treat to get our undivided attention. Your children look adorable!
Lovely post! I am still at the stage of only contemplating having a second child and it’s reassuring reading how well you coped! #twinklytuesday
Emma’s Mamma recently posted Road trip to the sea
We made sure throughout our second pregnancy that our daughter was involved and we made sure this continued once her brother was born. Now the two of them are really close and he thinks she’s the greatest thing in the world!
Em @ snowingindoors recently posted Ice-Cream Make Believe
Some great tips here! I wouldn’t think to get the older sibling so involved with the new baby. I like that your daughter figured out alone she was being too rough too.
#twinklytuesday
Mama, My Kid Doesn’t Poop Rainbows recently posted Baby Number Two
Exactly! Those younger siblings just grow a bit more tough and sturdy as a result of older brothers and sisters!
SarahN recently posted A Great Many Things
Lovely post. Some excellent tips here for navigating the sibling wars. #twinklytuesday
Awe loved the little video, so sweet. One on one time still remains so important even as they get older, great post #Twinkly Tuesday
This is a lovely post. I’ve been in a similar situation recently as I’ve just had my third, and hubby and I really wanted to make sure that we didn’t neglect our oldest two when baby no 3 arrived. It sounds like you handled it really well! x #TwinklyTuesday
Fatima @ Baby Toddler Me recently posted The truth about having 3 kids – the first 10 weeks
It’s so important the the eldest feels that they have a role to play isn’t it. Sister relationships are so lovely to witness. We have one boy and one girl and although they are often the best of friends, it’s not quite the same
x #TwinklyTuesday
Michelle (@AFamilyChatter) recently posted Starting School – I’m just not ready!
This is really useful. I will have to bookmark it for the future. x
#twinklytuesday
Betty and the Bumps recently posted Musings on starting nursery (one year earlier than is strictly necessary!)
Ahh. My mummy often wonders how I’d adapt if she had more children…it’s just me at the moment and I love all the 1-2-1 time we have. Thanks for sharing your experience x #TwinklyTuesday x
Baby Isabella recently posted Sparkle Princess Dress-up from Monsoon
Ah having just had my second, I can emphasise with so much of what you’ve said here
the guilt when you can’t always address your eldest’s needs is so so hard. Mim x #twinklytuesday
Mim recently posted Tiddley Pom Natural Baby Spa Products Review
The guilt is real, and doesn’t ever really go away, so focus instead on how much you’re doing right!
SarahN recently posted A Great Many Things
Sounds like you really put an effort into involving your older daughter.
I love that first photo, multitasking like a pro!
#TwinklyTuesday
Fionnuala
Fionnuala recently posted Creating an Outdoor Kitchen
Love this! My friend who has a daughter the same age as my girls recently had twins- I’m going to share this post with her. Love the sweet pictures and videos as well. #TwinklyTuesday
Elizabeth recently posted Teacher Tuesday: small goals for July
Thanks! and tell her good luck for me!
SarahN recently posted A Great Many Things
Love to read this! The sibling love that I am seeing in the photos and the video is just the most adorable thing to witness =)
#twinklytuesday
Merlinda Little (@pixiedusk) recently posted Water Sheep
Great tips.
#twinklytuesday
We are currently TTC number 2. I really want another baby, but the thought of dealing with a toddler and a baby is pretty scary! Thanks for a great read!
Sophie @ Mum, M & More recently posted No Cook Play Dough
A lovely post, so nice to see how she liked helping and being a big sister, I’ve seen some of this from my eldest today and it’s lovely to watch him being a big brother!
x
Jenny Eaves recently posted Rainy Day Painting
We do not have a second child, but I have always wondered how Monkey would cope. Theres some great tips in this post I especially like the one about letting her process how she deals with them. Will bookmark incase we ever have a second 😀 xx #TwinklyTuesday
Mudpie Fridays recently posted Toddler Memory Game
Lovely article – it reminded me of those mad days when I had two under two #TwinklyTuesday
Lizzie Woodman recently posted Punting on a sunny afternoon
It sounds like you older girl has a very special bond with the twins. I loved the face painting photo, looks like they were having a lot of fun! I think getting the older children involved with the baby helps a lot because they feel part of it all rather than pushed out. Thanks for hosting #TwinklyTuesday
Debbie
http://www.myrandommusings.blogspot.com
Random Musings recently posted In The Hotseat 1
Visiting from Twinkly Tuesday
Such great advice, I always worry about adding another child in our family, we just have the one, but she’s gotten so used to be an only child I do wonder how she would take having another child around. We would like another one, but haven’t fully decided if it’s best for us, but I’m glad to see such a beautiful relationship between the three of them
liz @ sundays with sophie
Thanks for a fab post. It’s always a worry I;ve had how my child woudl react to another baby never mind twins! Your doing a fab job and it’s lovely to see the relationships you portray in your post. I enjoyed the little video too! Cute!
Angela xx from http://www.daysinbed.com
Angela at Daysinbed recently posted The Love Hate Challenge
Aaah I’d have the opposite if we had another baby! It would be the twins dealing with a baby brother or sister!! Fantastic advice — and I absolutely LOVED your movie too!!! Made me feel a bit gooey and think of when my tiny boys were that age! They’re two now and it feels like an AGE ago!!
#TwinklyTuesday
Caro | http://www.thetwinklediaries.co.uk
Caro | The Twinkles Mama recently posted 121 weeks | Adding light to dark rooms
This is so interesting and lovely. I’m starting to hope for a second child, and this is full of thoughtful and caring insights into the situation for the older sibling. #twinklytuesday
Lucy at occupation: (m)other recently posted Where it all began – hospital volunteering